N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,996
I am currently extremely vulnerable. Yesterday I took 1 mg lorazepam and I am still quite puzzled. I thought this one girl had a crush on me. (This is often the content of my delusions.) Today she ignored me and sat to someone else. Last week she asked me after our first conversation whether we could sit together. To be honest I absolutely can't say anymore what the truth is and what not. I felt offended by comments about me in this forum. I think this partly stemped from my delusions. Though one comment was really mean but the person deleted it fast.
I am not sure what should have the bigger impact on me. Option 1: I thought a beautiful girl had a crush on me and now this probably only was a delusion. Deep sadness as a result.
Or 2: Should I rather be concerned by the fact that I am this delusional. To be honest this is not far away from a third psychosis. And after my next psychosis I need to ctb. In case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. I imagined to jump in front of a train this evening on my way back home. But they are all too slow and the survival risk is so high. If I had something lethal here I might would take it.
This makes me pretty anxious. What the fuck is with my brain. In addition someone today made fun of what I said today. The person repeated it in front of a group 4 times. But maybe this is only delusional too.
I am really curious what the truth with this girl was. Why has she asked me to sit next to her last week? Maybe I interpreted that wrongly. But she defnitely asked me to sit next to her? My friends say maybe she still likes you, but just sat randomly to someone else today. They think I might only interpret her behavior today in the wrong way.
But I have stopped to listen to that. During my second psychosis when the psychotic symptoms decreased but they were not gone fully. I was puzzled about everything. I have often the delusion that women liked me. A really good looking girl texted me concerning a question for college. I interpreted that as if she had a crush on me. My best friend said maybe you are not delusional, Then I asked her for a date. She rejected me. I think she had a grasp that something was off with me mental state. She still was very respectful and friendly.
However always after my psychosis with mania I feel in an extreme unbeliebvable strong way humiliated. I think someone who never had this similar feeling after a mania can't grasp that. It was extremely overwhelming. I often feel extremely ashamed also because I thought women had a crush on me and then I approach them in a cringey way. What I want to say with that: I won't apporach that woman anymore. After she sat to someone else I treated her as if she was invisible. I hope not many people have noticed my embarrassing behavior. I am not sure about that. It sounds crazy but this is currently my main concern. I rather should focus on this part with I am going to kill myself after my next psychosis.
This all feels like an extreme emergency. I am really scared about my brain. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I need a break. This is so dangerous.
I am not sure what should have the bigger impact on me. Option 1: I thought a beautiful girl had a crush on me and now this probably only was a delusion. Deep sadness as a result.
Or 2: Should I rather be concerned by the fact that I am this delusional. To be honest this is not far away from a third psychosis. And after my next psychosis I need to ctb. In case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. I imagined to jump in front of a train this evening on my way back home. But they are all too slow and the survival risk is so high. If I had something lethal here I might would take it.
This makes me pretty anxious. What the fuck is with my brain. In addition someone today made fun of what I said today. The person repeated it in front of a group 4 times. But maybe this is only delusional too.
I am really curious what the truth with this girl was. Why has she asked me to sit next to her last week? Maybe I interpreted that wrongly. But she defnitely asked me to sit next to her? My friends say maybe she still likes you, but just sat randomly to someone else today. They think I might only interpret her behavior today in the wrong way.
But I have stopped to listen to that. During my second psychosis when the psychotic symptoms decreased but they were not gone fully. I was puzzled about everything. I have often the delusion that women liked me. A really good looking girl texted me concerning a question for college. I interpreted that as if she had a crush on me. My best friend said maybe you are not delusional, Then I asked her for a date. She rejected me. I think she had a grasp that something was off with me mental state. She still was very respectful and friendly.
However always after my psychosis with mania I feel in an extreme unbeliebvable strong way humiliated. I think someone who never had this similar feeling after a mania can't grasp that. It was extremely overwhelming. I often feel extremely ashamed also because I thought women had a crush on me and then I approach them in a cringey way. What I want to say with that: I won't apporach that woman anymore. After she sat to someone else I treated her as if she was invisible. I hope not many people have noticed my embarrassing behavior. I am not sure about that. It sounds crazy but this is currently my main concern. I rather should focus on this part with I am going to kill myself after my next psychosis.
This all feels like an extreme emergency. I am really scared about my brain. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I need a break. This is so dangerous.
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