Story what the fuck do i want from myself

[darkrage2]

i am so confused like what the actual fuck am i supposed to do?? i am lying to myself i am sure im not fucking straight but i dont want that to be true and i dont know if i should be ashamed of myself for hiding who i am or can i change myself cuz living a life with that tag of being different. i cant live with that. i think alot of things and i dont know what is true , i hate myself for forcing my issues upon others i would very much like to blame my childhood for my actions but blaming on others is easy i just want clarity at this point i am here for i literally dont know what, as i have mentioned in the previous posts i cant tell anything to anyone because there this constant weight of being judged. if someone reading this judges me i wont give a fuck. why am i here?? to get some fucking pity or i just wanted to vent. i dont know. i was happy but then i saw my diary and the time i wrote that i was so down and now im not but what if im just hiding myself. i want to be in the centre of attention i want people to care about me but if i cant hold a fucking convo with them how can i be engaging with them. talking to others with a filter being who you not are its fucking killing me and hwy the fuck am i this way. if someone can tell me to not be this way i would be so fucking happy because im tired to finding answers i dont know who am i. i cant have decent convo with people i cant be social i see others and why cant i be like them i want to explore this world and i want companion and losing a fucking friend because of your own fucking messed up shit that hurts me the most. even if i think or pretend that i dont care about him going , i cant he was the best he couldve helped me in ways that no one can his aura just fucking amazing and all i did was pollute his life with my dirt and i hate myself for that. why cant u fucking talk only if i could do that. i just am going through one of those das i guess. it hurts more to think that he means so much to me when i meant so little. i dont want to end my life as mentioned before but i need clarity. this phase of being a fucking teen is weird 18 and still dumb. emotionally weird i cant even joke with my friends i just act weird.WHY???

 

[BoneWeary57]

First, take a deep breath..now..being in your teens or late teens is a time that most people that age care about what others think, worry about being accepted, etc. But here is what you learn as life goes on..being "normal" is all relative - the definition of normal varies from person to person..for example, normal for some is working Monday thru Friday 8-5, weekends and holidays off, for others it's working 12 hour night shifts, normal for some is same sex, consenting adult relationships, others heterosexual relationships while others have zero interest in any romatic/sexual relationships. There is nothing wrong with any of them. They are just..different based on the person.
You say you act weird..meaning..not like others? Ok..well, you are unique and that's a good thing. You are also still developing how to navigate life, meeting new people, new situtations. old enough yet still young. That's ok too.
It seems you are hyper focused on what others think about you and are assuming how they view you..but you don't really know what they think unless you have asked them. It sounds like you do have people who care about you and maybe, just maybe, you present a little needy because you are so worried about fitting in etc. That is a lot for someone else to take on and frankly, it's not anyone elses job to fix whatever you think is wrong with you - it's yours. Now, that being said, have you considered just being YOU? Weird, wonderful, socially awkard? Whatever you think your "faults" are - just - reframe how you view them - not as a hinderance but as your..superpower?
You alluded to being gay if I read part of your post correctly - so? If you are a decent human, who gives two shits what someone else thinks? Seriously..at the end of your life, whenever that may be, do you really think that will matter? What some stranger or aquantience thinks? I sure hope not.
As far as the guy you are wanting in your life..maybe, just maybe what you see in him is what you want for yourself in terms of being confident or whatever. And maybe, just maybe if you take a deep breath, get some professional help if you can, he may come back around. Like you want a companion, he does too. He wants an equal in a relationship I suspect, he doesn't want to be a therapist or life perserver for someone long term - nor should he be.
You have a chance, you sound like a truly caring, thoughful person. Cut yourself some slack, be your imperfect self, try not to worry or care about what 99% of the people in life think about you and if you can do that, just a small amount, I promise you, your life will expand in wonderful ways you have never thought of. Good luck my friend.

 

[darkrage2]

first of all i would really like to thank you for your reply that meant alot to me and you have told me alot of things that i needed to hear and yes i am getting professional help. i am soo so so greatful for you that you took your time and replied to me i am in tears rn. i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and just want to tell you that you mightve made my life a little better so thank you again.