Help What the fuck can I do?

[hopeless77]

I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now and I really don't know where else to turn.

I'm at my absolute limit and I've previously ordered N (seized) and SN (confiscated by family, unexpected arrival). I have been in counselling/therapy for 5 years and have never found it useful and don't believe it can ever solve the issues I have. In the past, I was prescribed sertraline, mirtazapine, and trazodone for depression. None had any effect on my mood whatsoever which has resulted in my current psychiatrist ruling out medication as an option for me for the foreseeable future (despite me disagreeing).

Every single day (particularly at night) I'm tortured by thoughts of causing pain to my loved ones and my pets who I absolutely adore. I do not want to be forced/pressured to live a full life as it simply isn't something I want, but at the same time, I can only have my wish met by causing severe damage to everyone around me. For a couple of years, this guilt was what kept me from acting on my suicidal thoughts, but this year I found out about N and SN and felt little-to-no hesitation in buying them. I was fully prepared to end my life soon after receiving the items on both occasions, though I never experienced the emotional overload one would expect moments before consuming these substances. I don't know how strong my SI is/would be.

I don't know where to turn for help. I would much rather have a switch flicked and be able to enjoy life and save my loved ones from suffering, but I have tried everything I know of to no avail. I feel so fucking helpless. I've never been ashamed to open up about how I feel and I encourage everyone I know to talk to me or a professional when they're feeling bad, but at this point I have been more open and honest than most and I am starting to feel like a burden because of the reactions of others. I have a counselor and a psychiatrist but I have already told them everything and I understand that there's not much they can do to change how I'm feeling.

So what can I really do? Everyone encourages seeking help, but everyone on this forum knows that there is no real help available for those like us, otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum. I feel like I'm just waiting until I passively discover a new CTB method that I have the resources/circumstances/desire to enact. N and SN have been the only 2 that fit that criteria, and both are no longer an option to me.

Please, someone tell me what kind of help I can seek.

 

[Hollowillow]

Google symptoms + nutritional deficiencies. I have anemia and reactive hypoglycemia. Had rage impulses. Can be side effect medication. Or them gaslighting you into ignoring your needs & limits to be their slave. Sometimes anger is a sign of abuse SI can be our friend. Do fun for you. I tried partial hanging. Intense body pain. No one believe

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Are there specific or concrete reasons for your unhappiness?

 

[hopeless77]

Are there specific or concrete reasons for your unhappiness?

Yes, here are some of them. Being so different to all of my peers for as long as I can remember, while wanting nothing more than to be accepted. Resentment toward myself for allowing my anxiety to rob me of my youth and all teenage years. Had one romantic relationship, was the best thing ever for some time, wasn't meant to be; now I'm traumatised and lonelier than ever. Lack of any desire to force myself through decades of life, for what? The reasons other people give for 'fighting on'... I can understand why push onward for those things, but I have no motivation or desire to do the same.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yes, here are some of them. Being so different to all of my peers for as long as I can remember, while wanting nothing more than to be accepted. Resentment toward myself for allowing my anxiety to rob me of my youth and all teenage years. Had one romantic relationship, was the best thing ever for some time, wasn't meant to be; now I'm traumatised and lonelier than ever. Lack of any desire to force myself through decades of life, for what? The reasons other people give for 'fighting on'... I can understand why push onward for those things, but I have no motivation or desire to do the same.

I can relate to what you say. I never found therapy to be much help with my issues either. Same with meds. It's perfectly valid to just not want to do life. I understand the reluctance to cause your loved ones pain. Losing you would be extremely sad, but so is expecting someone tto stay alive who really would rather not be. No one can make life rewarding if someone findsnit profoundly unrewarding. Can you share a little more about how the end of the romantic relationship traumatised you?

 

[hopeless77]

I can relate to what you say. I never found therapy to be much help with my issues either. Same with meds. It's perfectly valid to just not want to do life. I understand the reluctance to cause your loved ones pain. Losing you would be extremely sad, but so is expecting someone tto stay alive who really would rather not be. No one can make life rewarding if someone findsnit profoundly unrewarding. Can you share a little more about how the end of the romantic relationship traumatised you?

Thank you for your words. Unfortunately I can't share more about the relationship, other than I was mistreated and belittled constantly.