So...my life was never really good to begin with, but my childhood was definitely better than my life today.
I was always bullied because I'm autistic and people quickly caught on that I was different from most other kids.
However...I was at least a little bit talented as a kid. I was always pretty good at math and English/writing. I was okay at science, and pretty shitty at anything history.
It stayed like this throughout most of elementary school. But then...middle school started. 6th grade, I was 12. I suddenly started to struggle a bunch. Everything was so much harder. My English/writing skills went from pretty good to just okay, my okay science skills went from okay to shitty, I stayed shitty at history, and all of a sudden, math was my worst subject of all. Especially when I began algebra 1 honors in 7th grade when I was 13. Like oh god...I barely passed that shit. I got a D year to date. A low D too.
Then high school started...and things got even harder. I was honestly pretty shit in basically every subject. The only subject I did good in was chorus/choir, because the teacher basically just gave you points just for being there and participating, and you had to put in very little effort.
My grades looked something like this...my one A in choir...really low B's in a few subjects, like we're talking 79.50%...A LOT of C's and D's...and a few F's, but I worked hard to raise those up to a low D, or else I wouldn't get the class credit.
These days, I'm 19. Just turned 19 on May 15. And I just finished high school, 12th grade. I started elementary school at age 6, while I was supposed to start at age 5...but my parents though I was too "mentally disabled" to start school at age 5. And I don't blame them, cuz...at 5 I still wore a diaper cuz I kept pissing and shitting myself in public.
But I finished high school...and I struggled A LOT with it...and people say high school is supposed to be EASY. People say it gets WORSE from here on out.
I'm definitely not going to college anytime soon. If I do, it'll only be when I'm a lot older and more mature, like 25-30.
I plan to do some sort of trade, but I don't really know what I wanna do. I kind of want to help out mentally ill people, but I'm not 100% sure of what exactly I wanna do.
For now...I just plan to start somewhere easy like Publix, Target, or Walmart. But with COVID, it's gonna take a while for me to find anything.
And on top of all these issues...I was feeling depressed and suicidal a lot of the time, too. It started when I was 13 in 7th grade, and only got worse.
At this very moment my depression and suicidal thoughts have mellowed out a little bit, but I don't know when they're gonna come back full force, if they do.
For the record...I don't think I could ever kill myself. I mean I've definitely thought about ending it, but I'm a complete pussy when it comes to physical pain. I can barely handle stubbing my toe, so how would I handle real, life ending pain?
I don't think I ever plan to kill myself either for the record. Imagining the world without me just feels so empty and weird...because I've been a part of so many people's lives. And I'm kind of famous in a way.
But if there were an 100% painless way to die, like a new technology, I'd take it in a heartbeat.
And not only that, but I'm 19...if I'm like my other family members, I'll live till like 75-80. Won't life get even duller than it already is in those 60 years? What will I even do? Just be in a retirement home with other people who are also dying soon? Like what the fuck.
And just...I don't know. Life is just so complicated and unfair, and seems to be going backwards instead of forwards. What's the point of living if life keeps getting tougher, but I'm not getting any more skilled or smarter?
I was always bullied because I'm autistic and people quickly caught on that I was different from most other kids.
However...I was at least a little bit talented as a kid. I was always pretty good at math and English/writing. I was okay at science, and pretty shitty at anything history.
It stayed like this throughout most of elementary school. But then...middle school started. 6th grade, I was 12. I suddenly started to struggle a bunch. Everything was so much harder. My English/writing skills went from pretty good to just okay, my okay science skills went from okay to shitty, I stayed shitty at history, and all of a sudden, math was my worst subject of all. Especially when I began algebra 1 honors in 7th grade when I was 13. Like oh god...I barely passed that shit. I got a D year to date. A low D too.
Then high school started...and things got even harder. I was honestly pretty shit in basically every subject. The only subject I did good in was chorus/choir, because the teacher basically just gave you points just for being there and participating, and you had to put in very little effort.
My grades looked something like this...my one A in choir...really low B's in a few subjects, like we're talking 79.50%...A LOT of C's and D's...and a few F's, but I worked hard to raise those up to a low D, or else I wouldn't get the class credit.
These days, I'm 19. Just turned 19 on May 15. And I just finished high school, 12th grade. I started elementary school at age 6, while I was supposed to start at age 5...but my parents though I was too "mentally disabled" to start school at age 5. And I don't blame them, cuz...at 5 I still wore a diaper cuz I kept pissing and shitting myself in public.
But I finished high school...and I struggled A LOT with it...and people say high school is supposed to be EASY. People say it gets WORSE from here on out.
I'm definitely not going to college anytime soon. If I do, it'll only be when I'm a lot older and more mature, like 25-30.
I plan to do some sort of trade, but I don't really know what I wanna do. I kind of want to help out mentally ill people, but I'm not 100% sure of what exactly I wanna do.
For now...I just plan to start somewhere easy like Publix, Target, or Walmart. But with COVID, it's gonna take a while for me to find anything.
And on top of all these issues...I was feeling depressed and suicidal a lot of the time, too. It started when I was 13 in 7th grade, and only got worse.
At this very moment my depression and suicidal thoughts have mellowed out a little bit, but I don't know when they're gonna come back full force, if they do.
For the record...I don't think I could ever kill myself. I mean I've definitely thought about ending it, but I'm a complete pussy when it comes to physical pain. I can barely handle stubbing my toe, so how would I handle real, life ending pain?
I don't think I ever plan to kill myself either for the record. Imagining the world without me just feels so empty and weird...because I've been a part of so many people's lives. And I'm kind of famous in a way.
But if there were an 100% painless way to die, like a new technology, I'd take it in a heartbeat.
And not only that, but I'm 19...if I'm like my other family members, I'll live till like 75-80. Won't life get even duller than it already is in those 60 years? What will I even do? Just be in a retirement home with other people who are also dying soon? Like what the fuck.
And just...I don't know. Life is just so complicated and unfair, and seems to be going backwards instead of forwards. What's the point of living if life keeps getting tougher, but I'm not getting any more skilled or smarter?
