what pushed you from thinking about committing suicide to planning it out?

[stripey]

for those who currently have a plan to commit suicide, what was the "final straw"?
was there a specific problem, person, event, thought, etc. that made you decide?
feel free to be as specific or non-specific as you'd like

for this question, i'd consider it a plan if any of the following apply:

• you intend to commit suicide and you have a specific time frame (year, month, day, situation) you will adhere to
  (i.e. "i'll commit the next time my roommates go out" or "i''ll commit in august")
• you are currently searching for a method to commit suicide with...
  you don't want to have it "just in case", you intend to plan the rest out once you find it
• you are in the process of obtaining the materials
  (i.e. you ordered materials online and they're being shipped or you're saving up money to purchase something)
• you're settling things before you die
  (i.e. figuring out who will take care of your pet, giving your stuff to loved ones, writing a will, writing a suicide note...)
• you have an "ultimatum" with yourself
  (i.e. "if [something] happens, i'm going to commit" or "if [something] doesn't happen, i'm going to commit")

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i think it wasn't really about what it was that happened as much as just being tired of all the stress and things stacking up. the thing that happened on the day i decided i was going to actually go through with ctb isnt a problem anymore but all the other stuff is and i'm still just as tired. it was money problems and stuff with not having a job but really it could have been anything, it was more about all the other stuff that had happened already if that makes sense.

 

[Untoten_]

for those who currently have a plan to commit suicide, what was the "final straw"?
was there a specific problem, person, event, thought, etc. that made you decide?
feel free to be as specific or non-specific as you'd like

for this question, i'd consider it a plan if any of the following apply:

• you intend to commit suicide and you have a specific time frame (year, month, day, situation) you will adhere to
  (i.e. "i'll commit the next time my roommates go out" or "i''ll commit in august")
• you are currently searching for a method to commit suicide with...
  you don't want to have it "just in case", you intend to plan the rest out once you find it
• you are in the process of obtaining the materials
  (i.e. you ordered materials online and they're being shipped or you're saving up money to purchase something)
• you're settling things before you die
  (i.e. figuring out who will take care of your pet, giving your stuff to loved ones, writing a will, writing a suicide note...)
• you have an "ultimatum" with yourself
  (i.e. "if [something] happens, i'm going to commit" or "if [something] doesn't happen, i'm going to commit")

My girl giving up on us.

She knew I was trying to get better for her and still left anyway.

Decided "meh why the fuck not"

Found out she was cheating on me anyway very early into the relationship from a mutual friend of ours.

So there's a double whammy. It's not over a girl, I'm not that shallow, but going from "forever" to "nah I'm out" to "She was messaging WHO" (last one is very recently), just decided with myself, why the fuck not.

 

[RiftbornVeil]

My girl giving up on us.

She knew I was trying to get better for her and still left anyway.

Decided "meh why the fuck not"

Found out she was cheating on me anyway very early into the relationship from a mutual friend of ours.

So there's a double whammy. It's not over a girl, I'm not that shallow, but going from "forever" to "nah I'm out" to "She was messaging WHO" (last one is very recently), just decided with myself, why the fuck not.

Cheaters are terrible. I am so sorry to hear what seemed like a promising and fruitful relationship was shattered by an insensitive person.

for those who currently have a plan to commit suicide, what was the "final straw"?
was there a specific problem, person, event, thought, etc. that made you decide?
feel free to be as specific or non-specific as you'd like

for this question, i'd consider it a plan if any of the following apply:

• you intend to commit suicide and you have a specific time frame (year, month, day, situation) you will adhere to
  (i.e. "i'll commit the next time my roommates go out" or "i''ll commit in august")
• you are currently searching for a method to commit suicide with...
  you don't want to have it "just in case", you intend to plan the rest out once you find it
• you are in the process of obtaining the materials
  (i.e. you ordered materials online and they're being shipped or you're saving up money to purchase something)
• you're settling things before you die
  (i.e. figuring out who will take care of your pet, giving your stuff to loved ones, writing a will, writing a suicide note...)
• you have an "ultimatum" with yourself
  (i.e. "if [something] happens, i'm going to commit" or "if [something] doesn't happen, i'm going to commit")

As for my "final straw," I didn't exactly have a definitive moment, and my decision to CTB/construct a plan doesn't rely upon a singular variable or event. Rather, I am simply exhausted and wish to escape my suffering (in a rather selfish move). More concretely, I cannot live in an environment where I am belittled, misunderstood, weighed down with expectations, and forced to put on a performance while going through the motions simply to protect the emotions of those around me. I derive no joy from this existence, so to CTB remains my most rational decision.

 

[Uncounted1846]

By July of last year I had gone through five jobs. When they fired me after only three days I knew it was pointless to keep trying.
I've been spending the last eight months preparing for my suicide in May. I haven't bought the shotgun yet.

 

[Hollowman]

Knowing I'm going to be homeless.

 

[MrOptions]

In my 50s, unemployed, disabled, running out of money. Nothing left in this life worth living for. Got my exit plan. Just a trigger needed to be done with it.

 

[locketofroses]

The day everybody in my life decided somebody threatening to murder me was a joke. Apparently my life is a joke to everyone I know. I have gained other reasons since then, but that was the big one that pushed me to my first attempt.

 

[hurb]

You know when someone tries to make u feel better by telling u things can change there is still hope etc.
Now imagine that guy unable to say such things anymore because he knows ur ideal life is impossible to get and u are pretty much doomed.
That was when i started to plan shit out

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation for 36 years- since the age of ten- to varying intensities. But, I've always felt the need to hold on while certain loved ones were still alive. My Dad is the last remaining one and, he's approaching 80.

I suppose it's a combination really. My (being creative) coping mechanism that has helped me throughout life began to lose effect a couple of years back. Combine that with the logical likelihood that my Dad can't go on and on and it feels as if the time where suicide becomes a genuine option has to be approaching.

It made sense to prepare for that time. My hope is to go as soon as I can after my Dad although- it does depend on other things too. Seeing as SN was starting to attract more attention a few years back- it felt sensible to buy it then. The downside being that it has just expired. Plus, my Meto is even older.

So- it's not really been a change in circumstances for me- although, losing my creative drive has been pretty devastating. It's more that the ideation has always been there. Just that the barriers keeping me from doing it are on their way to falling away.

 

[Yogih212]

Rapidly declining health, wanting to end it before I lose myself

 

[bugbugbug]

I refuse to become more of a loser than I already feel that I am, and with my partner breaking up with me there truly is nothing but pain in my future anyways

 

[Rainork]

This question has got me questioning myself!
I made decision 1-2 weeks ago (it's been a bit of a blur since so can't recall exactly).
I was driving to a therapy session, surrounded by the usual suicidal voices and depressed feelings when I said to myself "I need to make the decision. I need to decide if I'm going to actually kill myself or leave that thought behind and try to live for myself".
I gave myself thatbcar journey to decide (about 40 minutes)- it wasn't until a few days later when I did decide. I was driving back from a beach town, that I went to to feel close to my Grandparents, when I realised- for me, the choice of leaving suicide behind isn't realistic.. it's been a core part of my personality since a very young age and, if I were to decide to live, I would be resigning myself to a life of misery, depression and intrusive suicidal needs that I think are so hard wired that they will always be with me.
So, in that moment, I declared 'I've decided. I'm going to put myself first for once, I'm going to leave everyone else to deal with their things and deal with my things in the only way I can really see to finally end this pain. I'm going to kill myself.' The rest of that drive home was the happiest I can ever remember feeling, I danced, I sung, I laughed and I felt a joy I'd forgotten how to feel.
I suppose I wanted to answer as I didn't have a negative final straw- more a decision to finally put myself first.
Yes, my life is also falling apart. Benefits close to being cut off, friends fallen out of my life faster than the rain falls, family members I will probably never see again- but these are all things I know I could deal with.. my decider was realising I don't want to.
The hardest part since has been the loneliness that is currently filling my daily life because I can't tell anyone the truth of why I suddenly feel okay.
Meh, c'est la vie!

 

[FadingSnowFake]

The love of my life deciding to leave my world.

 

[Untoten_]

i think it wasn't really about what it was that happened as much as just being tired of all the stress and things stacking up. the thing that happened on the day i decided i was going to actually go through with ctb isnt a problem anymore but all the other stuff is and i'm still just as tired. it was money problems and stuff with not having a job but really it could have been anything, it was more about all the other stuff that had happened already if that makes sense.

Based name and pfp big dawg

 

[singingcrow]

I've been thinking about it since I was a young teen. I always knew that this world wasn't made for me but I never had a good method so I thought I would have to live in this mental anguish until I was 90. The stress from that thought got too much for me that I would have a small panic attacks most days.

finding this site from a youtube video was a dream find for me because now I know how to ctb without ending up as a vegetable. as soon as I found the sn website I ordered from it. I guess I never had "final straw" because unfortunately i've had these dark thoughts since I was young. I just needed a good method

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Realizing that the one thing that I thought was going to help me not hate my life actually won't change anything and I will be miserable no matter what. Similarly, realizing I will be alone no matter what.

 

[Strangerdanger7]

Because we need people here fighting for the right to die and if we're all gone who's going to do it. If there's nobody left to speak up the movement dies or we leave the corrupt cops, psychologist, psychiatrist, and drug industry who profit off the suffering of others to do it. This is too much a human rights issue to allow that to happen. At least we are standing up speaking out and doing what is right they cannot say the same. Their motive is to cause the suffering of others and profit off their suffering. It's corrupt. There are countries that are enlightened on this topic and we need to catch up and modernize and be like them. There's one of my passion for going on.

 

[Macedonian1987]

My chronic pain getting worse and worse and overall health declining at a rapid rate. At the age of 38 I already have a health of an average 70 year old.

 

[Strangerdanger7]

I like Jack kevorkian's, approach. The reason that pain management is given today is because he was exposing his patient's pain levels. He was videoing it, putting it on the news, It was in their faces. They could not ignore it. He is the reason that pain management exists today. His contribution got us to death with dignity six months or less to live it took time but people open their eyes to it. It took exposure as well you had to put it in the media the suffering of others so it could not be ignored. We can hope for more expansion and less discriminatory laws with this movement but one battle at a time. I think if we protested enough, we speak on the suffering of others, We petition for unjust laws to change. We educate them on this movement we can expand it to include more people. That is the ultimate goal.

 

[nersak]

There wasn't really any specific thing that pushed me - I considered commiting suicide "in the future" for a very long time, but my biggest problem was how would I do it - I didn't know there was a forum like this or any other resources about suicide and I thought that commiting suicide would be much harder than I now think it is

 

[socksnsandles]

realizing the worst case scenario was the scenario

 

[AnEpilogue]

When my dog dies, the only thing left for me will be my other dog. But I can hardly keep going with both of them here as it is. I know I won't be able to do it anymore once she dies.

 

[Strangerdanger7]

Because we need people here fighting for the right to die and if we're all gone who's going to do it. If there's nobody left to speak up the movement dies or we leave the corrupt cops, psychologist, psychiatrist, and drug industry who profit off the suffering of others to do it. This is too much a human rights issue to allow that to happen. At least we are standing up speaking out and doing what is right they cannot say the same. Their motive is to cause the suffering of others and profit off their suffering. It's corrupt. There are countries that are enlightened on this topic and we need to catch up and modernize and be like them. There's one of my passion for going on.
Okay, I'm going to take control of this threat. Sorry about that. I'll give you a solid reason to advocate for changing the laws instead of acting on your own. If you try to CTB and it fails, you'll probably end up in a mental health facility, unable to make your own decisions. Essentially, you'll be a lab rat in a doctor's scientific experiment. You'll be pumped full of drugs with no say in the matter. The drug companies will profit, and the hospital will profit from your stay. You'll be voiceless, with no choice in the situation. Is that what you want—being the lab rat and part of their science experiment? That's the likely outcome. You're going to make the police budget a little bigger by transporting you there, holding you in cells, or infirmaries in the meantime. If there's nowhere else to take you and taxpayers cover all the costs, do you want to help increase their budget—and their profits? Then, if they get to charge you with something, do they get a piece of that profit, too? They make a profit off the suffering of others, and that is my opinion.
There is a lot of profit in it. Why do you think it's illegal?
If there were no money to be made from it and no people to experiment on, with being given drugs by doctors, it probably would not be illegal.
In my opinion, if they are harming no one but themselves, let them be. Their adults let them be adults and make their own choices, in my opinion.
If they are the knife-wielding cart-carrying serial killer, then lock them up. I know first hand we don't want them running the streets. This is my opinion on this matter.

 

[catbunny]

I dont know. Maybe I was tired of everything. All the emotions and bully. All the anxiety I have and will have to deal with. The haunted past and the unknown future. Basically everything.

 

[Dinozauria]

I might sound kinda silly for this but honestly all it took was a hectic month

Like I had a really nice time with my friends, but for some reason the following days I spiraled. I'd already been thinking about suicide passively, but at that time I actually started collecting pills and was going to do it on an impulse.
I ended up backing out, but the thoughts didn't stop. The thoughts cooled down a little, sure, but they slowly grew more intense again over the months. Though, thankfully, they grew more reasonable this time imo. I've researched methods and weighed out the pros and cons of suicide which is a massive improvement from that crisis it all started with

 

[reticulator]

Because I screwed up my life so badly, there's like about as much of a chance of turning it around as Doctor Strange gave The Avengers to defeat Thanos!

 

[SmokingCivet]

I ordered my SN as soon as I heard my girlfriend hung herself. There was no emotion, no sadness, just acceptance, because we had a pact, but I later found out her suicide note told me to hang on for as long as I can. Now I'm just waiting for the right time to do it!