wheelsonthebus
vroom vroom
- Apr 1, 2022
- 25
I'll go first.
Medications occasionally gave me the boost I needed to want to live:
Instead, I was left "chasing the dragon" of that high, that I realize must have been anti-depressant incurred hypomania, which I understand to be a common reaction. Since it levels out into numb depression again, but also with nasty withdrawal effects if I miss a dose, and also leaves side effects when I do take the medication, I see no benefit to continue to take antidepressants. I understand there is a genetic component at play, but I feel more damaged between trials and increasingly suicidal. I'm at the point that I don't even want to try to recover. I'm tired of this, grandpa. Let me out of the game!
I suspect it comes down to untreated ADHD. Not everything, of course, but this does seem like the underlying theme. Whenever I would raise this concern to my psychiatrist, he would say that his goal was to treat the "underlying depression" before assessing whether or not I had ADHD. I have also seen this take before between physicians in online discussion. This seems so odd to me, because while ADHD going untreated could absolutely lead to depression, it is not possible for depression to "cause" ADHD. (Much like Tylenol cannot cause autism.) I understand certainly that memory and attention and motivation can all be affected by depression, and issues with these are absolutely symptoms of ADHD in many people, so a depressed patient might exhibit certain signs that reduce or disappear when the depression is addressed but... I had exhibited the issues associated with ADHD and many more (that are not caused by depression) my entire life - these select few were just exacerbated in recent years. In other words, I've had ADHD symptoms before I was depressed, and I have no issue articulating why I feel depressed. It comes down to state-of-the-world issues in part, but my inability to take control of my life is the primary concern, which I expressed to the doctor. I have tried other psychiatrists, but they assume I am drug seeking. I am drug seeking, of course -- that is why you generally see a psychiatrist in their medication-management clinic. For medication.
I have never been prescribed Adderall, but the tiniest dosage (half or quarters of IR 5 mg blue pills) gave me great, manageable, not overly excited days when I took it, without diminishing effects, at least for the duration of my (elective) experiment. Similar returns with Ritalin. However, there's a lot of discussion recently from those who are prescribed Adderall or similar that it is no longer possible to find the real stuff, at least in the USA. There's theories that the recipe was changed for US distribution across all manufacturers, and honestly it seems to be the most likely cause, as Anne Milgram was the DEA Administrator during these times, and active ingrediate quotas during that period changed as well. Even if I could get a prescription without providers assuming intent to sell it or... I don't know, smoke it?... I don't know that it would do any good. Thoughts?
Medications occasionally gave me the boost I needed to want to live:
- Wellbutrin (bupropion, DNRI) gave me the ability to focus and the energy I needed to actually do what I told my body to do. For the fist time in my life, I was able to clean, keep organized, recall names and faces and what I ate that morning, study (and have it stick), and feel what I imagine "normal" is like. I didn't feel overly excited and was able to sleep just fine. It wasn't hard to switch tasks and I didn't get absorbed too long in interests that weren't what I needed to focus on in the moment. I think it still counts as hypomania though, as this was short lived. It lasted about a week and then I became "evil" - impulsive, non-reflective, making dumb decisions and blaming others despite being in the wrong. It was dangerous for me to drive, because I was selfish in my behaviors. I was extremely quick to frustrate and experienced frustration as rage. I quickly got off of this medication.
- Lexapro (escitalopram, SSRI) did nothing for me except numb me, destroy what was left of my sex drive, and make me really sweaty.
- Effexor XR (venlafaxine, SNRI) worked so damn well, but ultimately became ineffective as well, though I didn't become a villain this time. Upping the dose didn't return the positive effects, but did intensify the side effects, which were not tolerable to me: GI issues, really bad bruxism (teeth grinding) during the day and night, tremor, anxiety, high blood pressure, difficulty sleeping, no sex drive. Higher doses also left me appearing "wired." I titrated myself off.
Instead, I was left "chasing the dragon" of that high, that I realize must have been anti-depressant incurred hypomania, which I understand to be a common reaction. Since it levels out into numb depression again, but also with nasty withdrawal effects if I miss a dose, and also leaves side effects when I do take the medication, I see no benefit to continue to take antidepressants. I understand there is a genetic component at play, but I feel more damaged between trials and increasingly suicidal. I'm at the point that I don't even want to try to recover. I'm tired of this, grandpa. Let me out of the game!
I suspect it comes down to untreated ADHD. Not everything, of course, but this does seem like the underlying theme. Whenever I would raise this concern to my psychiatrist, he would say that his goal was to treat the "underlying depression" before assessing whether or not I had ADHD. I have also seen this take before between physicians in online discussion. This seems so odd to me, because while ADHD going untreated could absolutely lead to depression, it is not possible for depression to "cause" ADHD. (Much like Tylenol cannot cause autism.) I understand certainly that memory and attention and motivation can all be affected by depression, and issues with these are absolutely symptoms of ADHD in many people, so a depressed patient might exhibit certain signs that reduce or disappear when the depression is addressed but... I had exhibited the issues associated with ADHD and many more (that are not caused by depression) my entire life - these select few were just exacerbated in recent years. In other words, I've had ADHD symptoms before I was depressed, and I have no issue articulating why I feel depressed. It comes down to state-of-the-world issues in part, but my inability to take control of my life is the primary concern, which I expressed to the doctor. I have tried other psychiatrists, but they assume I am drug seeking. I am drug seeking, of course -- that is why you generally see a psychiatrist in their medication-management clinic. For medication.
I have never been prescribed Adderall, but the tiniest dosage (half or quarters of IR 5 mg blue pills) gave me great, manageable, not overly excited days when I took it, without diminishing effects, at least for the duration of my (elective) experiment. Similar returns with Ritalin. However, there's a lot of discussion recently from those who are prescribed Adderall or similar that it is no longer possible to find the real stuff, at least in the USA. There's theories that the recipe was changed for US distribution across all manufacturers, and honestly it seems to be the most likely cause, as Anne Milgram was the DEA Administrator during these times, and active ingrediate quotas during that period changed as well. Even if I could get a prescription without providers assuming intent to sell it or... I don't know, smoke it?... I don't know that it would do any good. Thoughts?
might be nice to try them with some guidance.. As I understand you've been searching for!
