Venting What makes me suicidal is realizing how few people actually care about me

[Tellurian120]

Some nights I wonder what would happen if I vanished from this world. And that's when I realized how few people would mourn my loss. My family - yes, but I'm only close to four people in the family. Everyone else I am heavily distant from, so it's impossible to be sure if they'd be that sad. And I can't add to those four people I can guarantee would mourn. Almost certainly none of my high school classmates - maybe one or two will hear of my death and feel sad for like one minute. Definitely not any of my college classmates. My work colleagues would move on - they'll get someone new to replace me. I won't get a memorial, there'd be no mourners on Facebook or even anyone paying lip-service condolences to my family. I'd hesitate describing myself truly worthless, but it's these thoughts that make me realize there's no point in staying.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i was thinking about this earlier tonight. my buddy is finding a boyfriend, my school friends never talk to me, and i'm always fighting with my sister whenever we have a conversation that isn't about buying groceries or running errands because she thinks i'm still as stupid as i was when i was younger. i feel incredibly replaceable to everybody around me. earlier today i was trying to write a diary entry but i felt like what i was thinking didn't matter that much to write down. that's why i can't keep journals consistently anymore. it's just tiring to imagine or even just intuitively know that your existence isn't actually that important to anyone around you. i can be replaced and people will tell me that's the way the world works. it just makes me hate myself when i remember.