what I've done

[waiting2begone]

I have been on both ends of the spectrum regarding living and dying. I guess you could say that I'm moving on that spectrum. I have been down with the lowest of lows with plans and dates. Obviously I wasn't successful. I then when to the recovery end. I really bought into it found a DBT therapist and started believing I was getting better. Except now I am here, slowly back sliding. I have the most awesome therapist ever, but for some reason my brain is trying to push her away so I can say "see I told you do" but on the other hand I'm terrified she will go. How messed up is that?

 

[reverieheart]

Don't worry. That's not messed up at all. It's just human. You're not failing at recovery just because you're struggling again. It's all part of it.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Not messed up at all. Recovery is not a straight line you follow, or a place where you will never be affected by doubt, fear, sorrow. Life itself is constantly moving along that spectrum you're describing. The goal is not to allow yourself to be thrown around by circumstances, by unpleasant feelings that will come up now and again, by things others do, etc.

Feeling that some part of you is trying to push your therapist away is also normal, believe it or not. There is always some part of us that, messed up as it sounds, would prefer to slide back into the pain we already know. This does not mean that you do not want to recover, or that you're doing it wrong. This sort of resistance is natural, because our minds are complex and often self-contradictory. My one piece of advice would be to bring this feeling up when talking to your therapist, and you can explore it together.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Self-sabotage is part of the problem.
I'm also guilty of getting into my own head and making things worse for myself when something seems to be working out.

I've never done it on purpose and it took a long time to even realize I'd been doing it. You know you're doing it. That's a big deal.

No judgement here. Wishing you well.