Pretty normal life.
Born to a mother who took drugs. I had birth defects and was told I probably couldn't have kids.
Molested by my brother at age 4 and given Herpes
Beaten by my alcoholic father
Learning disabled and was in special ed.
Bullied for being Jewish. Was held down and had my head shaved to see if I had horns.
A loner. No friends. Had no social life. Never went to the prom, had a Sweet 16... never went to a birthday party of a movie with a friend.
College I was hated. My father taught there. Everyone hated him. Guilty by association. Never had friends in college or did any activities.
Grad School next. Was kicked out after the first year. I wasn't rich. Had to work to pay for school. I couldn't use my job as my residency. Left school, went back and finished my degree after 2 years. Same deal. No friends. No activities.
Graduated and began immediately working with AIDS patients at the beginning of the crises. I was known as the angel of death. If someone saw me with a patient.... they knew. Became an AIDS activist and was one of the founding members of ACT UP. I am proud that the LGBT community accepted me being heterosexual.
I worked specializing in infectious diseases, terminal illness and death. Worked for the Hemlock Society and other right to die organizations, helping people die.
Took a job with the Department of Health in Tower 2 of the World Trade Center - purpose helping to develop protocol for New York regarding Infectious Diseases, Served on the Emergency Support Team and headed the AIDS division.
9/11 happened. My job was to wrap the bodies and label them, collect body parts and personal items and provide comfort.
Meanwhile, I was working in the music business. As a hobby. During this time I was raped multiple times.
I developed 9/11 related illnesses about 4 years ago. I was one of the 'lucky ones.' I'm a long term survivor. It's wonderful being on oxygen, primary bedbound and never leaving the house. We won't discuss my PTSD and anxiety. I wouldn't wish my PTSD on anybody.
Was still working in the music business. Left the DOH. Took me 3 years, a lawyer and court case to get disability. I still work as a consultant for New York and remain on the Emergency Response Team. Yayyyyyy Coronavirus!!! Busy busy.
All from my apartment. I don't leave except for doctors appointment.
Went into music full time. I am in the top of my field. I have as many people who love me hate me. The bigger you are, the more people put you down.
I have always been suicidal. I am impulsive CTBER. Tried multiple times. I'm not a cutter. I bang my head against walls.
Found this forum by accident. I kept seeing hits from this website coming into the newspaper I write for.
Came to the site, registered and was accepted the day after my birthday. Was that a sign? Lol.
Came here. Met Stan here. He was the one who wrote the SN guide most people use. He CTB on December 8. (See the Frank Sinatra Goodbye thread.) He was my first at age 51. After he CTB a few days later I received a package from him and a goodbye note. in the note he said if we met under different circumstances we would have been married. He also said I shouldn't follow him. It wasn't my time, and a Christmas gift, since he knew I never celebrated holidays. It was my first person gift. I don't consider gifts from fans or people wanting something from me real.
Today. I want to die. I am tired of living in a world where everything is fake. I hate people demanding things of me on a daily basis. I am tired of having to show to the world a person who isn't me, but what people want to see. Jean is me. I don't know the person the world sees.
I'm tired of the PTSD that the world doesn't see. The flashbacks that have me sitting on the ground with my hands over my ears screaming or curled up in a fetal position.
I don't want to be here without Stan. A man who saw my many faults, medical issues and mental health issues and didn't care.
But I am here as people know. When I am in a impulsive stage, I come here and scream I need help, and my family here talks me off the ledge.
It isn't my time yet. Sometimes I must remind myself that.
Hi Jean,
Just read your story. I wouldn't exactly start it with the sentence 'a pretty normal life'. It's not. You have clearly experienced incredibly difficult things, far more than the average person. You should acknowledge that not shun it. And if nothing else be proud of yourself for being strong. This life is not fair, we are not dealt even hands, far from it. Be proud of yourself for what you have managed to endure until now.
My own story personally does not compare to your own I think. Although I think I am a lot younger, not yet 30. Although I very much wanted to die this year (to be in the 27 club) I have decided to stay around longer, despite living in hell, I'm still young enough for the 'just in case something changes years'. Although as a halfway compromise to myself I have recently purchased some SN to keep in the cupboard, just so I have it there.
On the surface, my upbringing wasn't that bad. But the reality was that a lot of it was very very difficult, my parents divorced when I was young. Neither of them are bad people but I personally find both of them incredibly difficult to be around. My father is autistic with very difficult very very very weird tendencies and was pretty violent when I was growing up. My mother on the surface is more normal but quite frankly a lot of the time I find her to be a very very bitchy and judgemental character. For various reasons I spent a lot of time growing up away from home, which I was pretty pleased about. My upbringing had some good sides as well, but there is definitely a very dark element.
When I was around 19 years old I developed a serious eating disorder...not entirely sure why but probably as a way to deal with something in my mind. 10 years with basically not eating anything and extreme vomiting and laxative abuse, of course, my health is completely fucked up.
Not only that but probably largely as a result of my illness I have been fired from most jobs I've ever done...and the worst, lost the love of my life. I have tried very hard over the years to make my life better. I have travelled a lot, tried to live abroad and start a new life. I have spent time last 4 years living abroad in Spain, this is is where I fell truly in love with a boy I have never met anyone like. But we broke up almost exactly a year ago. As I know he loved me but could not live with my problems. I have missed him every day this year.
Several months ago in Spain, I was kicked out of my flat due to a dodgy landlord who stole my money, was fired again from my job and as a result, am now stuck back home living with my parents who I can't stand (who live in the middle of absolutely nowhere). Literally my only friend is my dog (who luckily is very very cute). I have applied for hundreds of jobs the past months and have heard NOTHING in return. Recently I've resorted to sugar daddy.com where I have to suck old ugly guys dicks as a way to get money. It's gross but its the only way.
I'm trying to keep going, I know people have worse things in life. As I said, I'm going to give it a few more years of trying, and seeing. But I'm not sticking around forever in a shit life where I continue to fail and suffer if things don't get better, I'm outta here.
