Discussion What is your reason to ctb?

[c.c]

Aside from the mental suffering..what are your main reasons to ctb? Or think why it wouldn't get any better?
I have pretty straightforward reasons-
1. Lost of my ability to pursue my career-
I just can't study no anymore, i have tried a lot of things and i am losing it day by day due to my trauma. My once dream career requires studing and i don't think i would be able to do it soon...will take a lot years
2. Wasting my parents resource, dissapointing them regardless of having potential and resources to do it but mental illness, seeing them hurt and hinding it everyday
3. Would have to deal will my molester for the rest of my life.( even the thought of seeing him in person makes me want to puke)
4. My little sense of safety (my bf) would break up with me soon and i haven't told him how much i need him but if he says "no" to helping..i will be HURT cuz he doesn't wanna help me when i was always there for him and if says "yes" i will feel like i forced him..
5. Every year i will see my molester (as i don't have any support system) my cptsd and depression will only get WORSE
6. The obvious pain,suffering in silence,mental illness...if not for above 5 reasons..i will kill myself because of this

Better to die soon with less painful memories than be a breathing corpse and die with far more pain

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I have a brain injury-type condition that has preserved my intellect, while simultaneously being totally unable (mentally) to do anything with that intellect. It's also a very rare condition so very few people understand what I am experiencing. So my life is pretty much constant emotional isolation and the knowledge that no matter how hard you work or how smart you are, you will never amount to anything or do anything great. You struggle to even do anything ordinary. You are rendered unlovable, not because you are a bad person or lacking, but because no one can ever truly know you.

 

[Griever]

I have so many reasons

 

[Corovaner]

Health issues. Self-hate and self-despise because of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish to permanently cease existing as a result of being burdened with this cruel, torturous existence that I always saw as such a terrible dreadful mistake, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for non-existence and I'll just always see existence as the problem no matter what.

I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily in this existence I just never would had wished for and never would had chosen, for me non-existence really is all that's positive and desirable and as long as I exist I really will just wish and hope to never wake, I wish for no more pain and no more suffering. I'll always see existence as an abomination that just brings and causes so much unnecessary suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured until all is gone and forgotten in non-existence anyway. Only non-existence can solve everything for me and take away what I see as the true problem which is existence itself as all I want is some peace, I just wish to be unconscious for all eternity but more than anything I wish I never suffered, I see it as so tragic how this existence was even imposed causing all this suffering all for the sake of it and problems there were never a need for.

 

[darksouls]

mental and physical pain
only worsening is to expect in the future

 

[polm]

ill health. 24/7?pain and can't tolerate opiates. Poor mobility weakness and fatigue.

 

[Cirno]

Mental issues that causes me to get more and more insane everyday

 

[Moroze]

Homosexual, being trapped in a body I don't feel comfortable in. I'd much rather be a guy.

 

[wham311]

Complete and constant onslaught of emotional pain. Fucking trapped in this fucking body and unable to leave the fucking home. I am not independent anymore, I live in this bed and then on the couch and I've fuçkign watched everything on TV.

Every single thing my eyes lands upon is devastatingly traumatic. I am not joking. Every second of the day is agony.

I love the shit out of my dog and I cannot take care of her anymore. All she does is bark all day long. I can't take t anymore. And she's just a poor little animal who loves me to death. I'm traumatized by her memory and she's still alive. If I go to check out an anchor point I'm told she's just been in the living room crying for me since I left. And then I get home and she barks incessantly. And I'm going to ruin her life and break her heart.

I am inundated with my past and all of the things I've done wrong. I am stuck with in a constant loop of the same 200 thoughts and they run over and over and over again unless I'm distracted by plotting my own death I know I won't be able to accomplish. Thinking of ways to kill myself is the only distraction from the thoughts. I walk around the house looking for things.

My pelvic floor is busted and I've already gone to the bathroom and leaked in my clean shorts, one of two pairs of shorts I have left. I'm getting too fucking fat for my socks.

My teeth are going to rot and I'm too ashamed to leave the fucking house I'm stuck in. It's like I have a bomb strapped to my fucking head 24/7 and I can't do anything about it and I have an eternity left.

It is 9 fucking am and I am done. Done with this fucking day and done with this life and done with these thoughts. I'm done looking at the site and it's updates which means I'm left to be alone in my fucking thoughts and piss.

I cannot fucking sleep. I wake up every two hours with my heart beating out of my fucking chest. I can't even take naps because I know I wont be able to fall entirely asleep without medication and I'll "wake up" from the microsleep with a panic attack.

I am terrified of being alone and if I'm with people it's loved ones whose lives I'm about to absolutely ruin.

No one will fucking kill me. I cannot fucking kill.myslef. I have nothing to do here. Complete boredom alone is justification to kill myself let alone all the other shit.

I am 38 fucking years old. I have five fucking decades left and 25k in the bank.

This is by FAR the best my life will ever get. I haven't even AGED yet. I still jave fucking shelter. And it HURTS. My body is so decripid I have to turn over every 5 minutes in bed. I can't even fucking lay down.

I cannot live and I cannot die. All day long is severe depression and panic attacks and crying. I cycle from complete despair and giving up knowing I xant leave, to realizing I absolutely have to leave which makes me research and then I panic and then I drink at night to wake up a couple hours later in panic and start the whole thing over again

I am SICK OF THIS. WHO THE FUCK PUT ME ON THIS PLANET AND IN THIS HELL.

 

[suicidal jirai]

Aside from the mental suffering..what are your main reasons to ctb? Or think why it wouldn't get any better?
I have pretty straightforward reasons-
1. Lost of my ability to pursue my career-
I just can't study no anymore, i have tried a lot of things and i am losing it day by day due to my trauma. My once dream career requires studing and i don't think i would be able to do it soon...will take a lot years
2. Wasting my parents resource, dissapointing them regardless of having potential and resources to do it but mental illness, seeing them hurt and hinding it everyday
3. Would have to deal will my molester for the rest of my life.( even the thought of seeing him in person makes me want to puke)
4. My little sense of safety (my bf) would break up with me soon and i haven't told him how much i need him but if he says "no" to helping..i will be HURT cuz he doesn't wanna help me when i was always there for him and if says "yes" i will feel like i forced him..
5. Every year i will see my molester (as i don't have any support system) my cptsd and depression will only get WORSE
6. The obvious pain,suffering in silence,mental illness...if not for above 5 reasons..i will kill myself because of this

Better to die soon with less painful memories than be a breathing corpse and die with far more pain

Because of all my trauma...I pushed my mother away...the only person I had left...my father and social managed to convince everyone that I'm manipulative and horrible...I can't help but wonder myself...I can't shake the feeling that I'm a horrible person...that I deserved every single bit of abuse that happened, all I do is waste resources and burden everyone, and I just...can't take this pain anymore...I don't know how to show just how much I'm struggling,.I have made a lot of mistakes that I detest myself for...and I just...can't cope with my mental illnesses anymore, no matter where I turn, it's chaos...and...I can't take it anymore, it would be better if I were just gone.

 

[Alexandra0]

I have several reasons. The main one is physical suffering

 

[MaxWhoHatesKetchup]

I'm literally not able to function in society. I struggle greatly with social interactions, so getting a degree or a simple job is not possible for me. Talking to people and having friends is too exhausting, I have 0 energy after spending an hour with someone and end up only rotting away. There's nothing I want to achieve and don't have a single reason to continue living. Nothing brings me happiness and I've been feelings just numb and neutral the past decade. I'm not pretty enough to marry a random ass person to be financially dependent on them, and I also don't like the idea of being controlled like that in the first place. CTB is the most logical and best option for me, because I just don't want to continue this. It's too exhausting and completely fruitless.

 

[sximii]

Autism and BPD. They make living a chronic nightmare. If you wanna know how exactly, look it up because I don't wanna explain it. But Sometimes (when I'm not in a depressive episode) I feel happy but I still want to die, I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps being suicidal is just a part of being borderline and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

[qw3rty259]

Annoying physical pain that completely ruined my life

 

[diopdawe]

Loss of my beloved career, really bad mental health, don't want to be a burden anymore, etc.

 

[NonEssential]

I know my lifestyle of sitting in my room playing games, not making any friends, not finding a partner, not finding work is going to bring me a terrible future. That terrible sense of despair combined with my current pathetic incompetent existence makes me just want to leave.

 

[IlovelessEachDay]

Aside from the mental suffering..what are your main reasons to ctb? Or think why it wouldn't get any better?
I have pretty straightforward reasons-
1. Lost of my ability to pursue my career-
I just can't study no anymore, i have tried a lot of things and i am losing it day by day due to my trauma. My once dream career requires studing and i don't think i would be able to do it soon...will take a lot years
2. Wasting my parents resource, dissapointing them regardless of having potential and resources to do it but mental illness, seeing them hurt and hinding it everyday
3. Would have to deal will my molester for the rest of my life.( even the thought of seeing him in person makes me want to puke)
4. My little sense of safety (my bf) would break up with me soon and i haven't told him how much i need him but if he says "no" to helping..i will be HURT cuz he doesn't wanna help me when i was always there for him and if says "yes" i will feel like i forced him..
5. Every year i will see my molester (as i don't have any support system) my cptsd and depression will only get WORSE
6. The obvious pain,suffering in silence,mental illness...if not for above 5 reasons..i will kill myself because of this

Better to die soon with less painful memories than be a breathing corpse and die with far more pain

1. I was raped. More than once.


My body stopped feeling like mine long ago.





2. I haven't seen my mother in 16 years.


My father died and his family held me like property. I don't know how to explain to people what it means to be kidnapped legally.





3. My family claims I don't know how to love.


But all I do is love. Love them harder than they ever loved me. It's exhausting trying to prove I have a heart.





4. I was in an abusive relationship.


He hit me. Twice. I hate how I still romanticize the good parts. I keep swallowing my anger so I don't become him. So I don't destroy him even harder.





5. I'm drowning in adult life.


I haven't paid rent in months. I lie in bed hoping someone will take over. No one does. I'm silently screaming.





6. I failed my third year at university.


After barely surviving second year, my guardian reduced my pain to "just a year." They never asked if I even wanted this life.





7. I live like consequences don't exist.


I might end up in jail. I live off borrowed time and money. Sometimes I wonder if I want to get caught or just to rest.





8. I starve myself to feel in control.


Dysmorphia eats me daily. Today I'm happy I gained weight, tomorrow I'm stressing over it and starving myself.


My family taught me thin meant lovable. So I unlove myself every day to feel seen.





9. I no longer know who I am.


I once wanted to model. Then translate. Then work in client relations.


Now I just want silence.





10. The world scares me.


The news is war. The world is cruel.


I'm afraid to bring life into it. Afraid the cycle of abuse will start again.





11. I hate being perceived.


People call me beautiful like that should cure me.


I feel like a fraud in my own life an actor with no audience.





12. No one knows how to hold space for me.


I crave someone to guide me, not fix me.


Someone who doesn't panic when I'm not okay.


But all I get is silence, or pity, or rush.





13. I carry guilt for surviving.


I've seen others die or break down completely.


Why am I still here when I feel so hollow?





14. I no longer believe in God the way I used to.


He was my last safe space.


Now I can't find Him in my prayers, only in my guilt.


It feels like I'm disappointing even heaven.





15. I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live like this.


I'm a 27-year-old, hot, beautiful mess writing this because it's the only way I feel real.


I want the pain to stop. Not my heart.

 

[idiotmother]

Want to CTB because I've screwed my brain and body up from medication and a bad supplement reaction. Forced into hospital and onto risperidone which I HATE. also barely surviving on klonopin and propranolol for the shaking, which seems to be breaking through anyway. Just completely crapped the bed of my own life and it's dreadful waking up each day. I love my family so much but I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. I wish it was easier to overcome SI and that I had a foolproof, painless method.

 

[WishICouldGo]

I am simply worthless and not good enough to live. I have nothing to offer to anybody, my existence is pointless and so I'd rather die now than subject myself to another few decades of this meaningless life.

 

[Dyingoportunity]

1. a young age I was forced to help care for a disabled sibling and I still am. I still live at home with my sibling and parents. Despite efforts to get me on my feet from both me and my parents, I somehow get forgotten about.
1a. No one had time to teach me skills like driving a car or managing my own finances because ,even though it wasn't their intent, it felt like being cared for was my 'reward' for accepting the role of a glorified nanny

2. My social skills and confidence are so nonexistent that I couldn't connect with others on a deeper level if I wanted to. I have no close friendships, only acquaintances that I know on a shallow level.

3. I've been a neet for long enough for it to be near impossible for me to have a decent future now. No one will hire someone with over a decade of no work or schooling after college.

4. Unresolved trauma from being raped

5. Being unable to trust others after being bullied, harassed, and had nasty rumors spread about me by so-called 'friends'

7. I'm just tired and done with it all

 

[karakoltriste]

My family abused and neglected me since I was little. I was bullied until I was 17. At 18, I had a boyfriend who abused me. Several men sexually assaulted me. I've never had any lasting friendships, and I feel alone.
The world seems unfair to me: racism, misogyny, LGBTphobia, wage labor, capitalism, animal suffering (which includes killing animals for food), poverty, genocide, the climate crisis, ableism, and the violation of the rights of people who seek mental health services... all of it is too much suffering. Too many things. Plus, I have pending legal issues due to my activism.

I have a boyfriend who is very supportive, even to the point of supporting me if I decide to CTB. He's the only thing that keeps me going (and our cats), but it hurts too much.

Also, I hate myself so much I feel like a terrible person

Edit: I also have chronic pain and rare symptoms

 

[starboy2k]

1.) constant financial problems
2.) bored with life
3.) terrible memories of abuse won't go away
4.) no passion or motivation to do anything
5.) stuck with a shitty auto-immune disease
6.) the world and everything in it sucks
7.) hate working and hate people
8.) constant anxiety of everything around me
9.) too sheltered to continue experiencing shitty setbacks
10.) was a rape baby, so thats a mistake Im the only one that can permanently correct
11.) hate my family
12.) I constantly fail at shit (school, relationships, etc.)
13.) thinking about ctb is the only thing that gives me comfort at this point

 

[divinemistress36]

TRD depression, ptsd, tbi. I dont see a point in anything

 

[tpboy]

bedridden from auto accident. pain and more pain

 

[BlazingBob]

ill health. 24/7?pain and can't tolerate opiates. Poor mobility weakness and fatigue.

Sounds like me. I need opiates to stop the physical torture and be able to sleep but the side effects are intolerable. I have extreme exhaustion and am stuck in bed 20 plus hours a day.