Next big move is getting married. It's odd though, planning it and thinking about it and still passively wishing to just be swiftly snuffed out nearly every single day lol
I love my husband to be and know that he's a good guy. I don't want to hurt him by ctb so just plodding on day to day, trying to ignore being sore, unwell and invalidated but ultimately feeling useless and helpless. Not actively planning anything but hoping so hard that the end might finally be close, somehow. It's nice to kind of look forward to something but also dreading it too - lots of pressure and it's going to be a long, uncomfortable day, full of judgment and potential for drama…
Holiday after. Travelling round as a giggling newly wed that is, unbeknownst to most, internally vaguely wishing to drop dead every few minutes
I keep thinking that, the minute that I actually start loving life instead of finding it so hard, I'll just die. Keep thinking that I should at least try to "fake it to make it"; pretending to love life so that that contrary force that has kept me living through so much miserable crap will take notice and whip it out from under me for good.
It's proving quite difficult to fool, however.