Discussion What is your breaking point?

[GhostedToast]

Last month finding out my moms cancer got worse, getting pretty much told by an ex that he was talking to someone else for a month, and my last boyfriend being someone who tried to manipulate and control me, I'm reaching a breaking point. The past few months have just felt shitty and stressful amd almost everyone i would turn to talk to seems like they're dwindling off and im stuck keeping alot of it in. I found out a dog i love alot is going to likely die soon due to her health getting bad and she's the only reason i could evem tolerate going to my aunts house. At this moment in time I'd say my breaking point is getring closer and the thing to set me over the edge is probably the thoughts of cutting getting stronger or more bad news.

 

[Voodoo]

My best friend I've ever had/ ex was my breaking point. I won't go into detail 'cause it's very long, but he was my reason to live and my reason to work my hardest to make a career and wonderful future for both of us.
I wanted to make him happy, and that in turn gave me all the drive and determination I could hope for to be happy myself.
He then shattered all hope and confidence I had in myself and has left me as a joyless, empty shell of what I was.
Of course I had issues leading up to this, but when the person who is the foundation of your whole world, the person you trust with your life, plays you, it's beyond devastating.

I'll never forget the day that was my tipping point. That day I stopped living and just began existing. Now I try and shut down the body so I can stop just existing. I never want to love ever again.

 

[ParamitePie]

I don't know, I think I've had a few breaking points. I guess the moment I lost all desire to keep living was 2011. On that year, the only person I've ever met whom I could truly say I felt comfortable around, could be honest with, and implicitly understood and appreciated, killed themself. Before that, I'd flirted with the idea of suicide on many occasions, much as they had, but I always felt like there was something out there for me. To paraphrase Camus, the struggle of life itself was enough to endow me with a sense of purpose. There was an absurd kind of hope, or belief that everyone else had some kind of epiphany which made them seemingly happy, and it was one that I'd yet to receive. Once I discovered that sliver of knowledge, I'd be a functional and well adjusted person, like all the rest.

After 2011, I was only really existing, just trying to find something or someone to believe in, but I couldn't find it. Every belief that offered hope turned out to be hollow, much like those who believed in it. There was a certain kindred spirit among those who clung so dearly to their beliefs, they were as hollow inside as myself in many ways, but it was different. Like in Osamu Dazai's book, 'No Longer Human', I viewed their seriousness and devotion through an absurdist's lens. No matter how much I pretended, I was an outsider looking in, unable to stop myself from smiling at the utopian rhetoric and idealism espoused by the true believers. It was the wounded cynic's nihilism, unable to take anything seriously, even though I wanted to do so.

So, I just sort of drifted through life, allowing others to tell me where to go and what to do, and not caring about the journey or destination, as I knew full well that I'd eventually take my own life. I've been fulfilling filial duties until now, when I finally feel like I have no responsibilities or duties to anyone else. That release from responsibilities wasn't so much a breaking point, as it was permitting myself to indulge in the only true desire I've had in life for many years.

 

[TAW122]

It's hard to truly say, but I've had several breaking points or near breaking points that it is hard to really pinpoint which one will really do me in for good. In 2010, I had a major breakdown and pretty much just stopped caring whether I lived or died. I was at the peak of my academic studies as I was in university at the time, but due to some conflicts between my professors and academic advisor, my quest for a great academic record was shattered. Things really went downhill since then, my academic records slipped, while still very strong, it isn't like what it was in my first two years of university. Also, my social life is terrible, had little to no friends and no one really speaks to me, hangs out with me, invites me out for events, etc. I also have a lifelong condition called Aspergers which fucks me up socially and also anything to do with interacting with people and social skills. It doesn't help that I've developed social anxiety during my teenage years either.

Then fast forward about 4-5 years, in 2014, I had a terrible wage job (which I had to take just to support myself - to not go homeless) and parents who aren't supportive at the time. The owner of the restaurant was a real bitch and she would be openly hostile towards me. I quit the job after about 2 months and it just made me suicidal. Things didn't really get much better when I went back to school in hopes that I will be able to improve my life. Social life was still shit, new babbage along with old babbage, then I had some people who were concerned about me and some school admins decide to question me (luckily nothing came out of it other than just a small meeting - but that was enough to make me worry about how it could be much worse), and of course, just barely made it out of school now. Still jobless and not wanting to work shit jobs, ruining my mental health even more, just barely existing right now until the time is right.

So in summary, you could say my breaking points are when social life becomes shit and there is little hope (more like non-existant) for things to get better on that front, then failed dreams that I could not have, shitty life circumstances, job prospects, having to slave away just to exist (if I somehow do find a job and didn't lose it or ruin my mental health), and having to hide my suicidality in order to not get locked up, involuntarily committed, sent to the psych ward, etc. If I get sent there or am just on the verge of being sent there, I believe that would tip me over to finally ctb, along with my current circumstances as well as long term problems that have no solution. As of now, I'm just barely coping and existing.

 

[millefeui]

My dog. Once she dies, I will be so emotionally broken that no survival instinct will be able to hold me back.