Venting What is wrong with me?

[TheLastK]

I would like to preface this by saying that I know this won't fix everything, but I feel like I should have the freedom to be able to decide why I should be alive.
I have plans to ctb end of this year. The only thing that will stop me, and this is a massive compromise, is getting a romantic date that goes well before then. I'm quickly running out of time, feel so hopeless and stuck. Feel like it's better to just invest in getting the equipment to make it painless.
I've been on all the dating apps, only got two matches, both of which barely spoke to me. All my friends say my profile is fine as well, maybe they're just trying to be nice but I really don't know there must be something wrong. I've been out and tried to meet people but I'm so nervous to approach people. Even considered signing up to a dating agency, although that's about 1000 dollars (not American but don't want to reveal location) down the drain.
Getting seriously desperate, I don't know what to do or who to tell, everyone says "you should just wait longer your time will come" (they don't know about the want to ctb by new years). I wish I could hear someone say instead 'you can do it I believe in you" or "let me help" or "I know someone you'd really get along with" but those would probably be lies wouldn't they?
I've been hurt in the past, platonic friends have disposed of like I was nothing. I've never had a romantic relationship. It's all I've ever wanted since I was a child. I want to be able to treat someone, be able to have trust in someone and love them more than anyone else while they feel the same to me.
Quick sidenote, I'm not an incel and don't believe in any of that mindset.
I'm so sick of being alone, ctb seems like the only way out. I need some sort of miracle.

 

[Un-]

Some things in life come easier when you're not hyperfocused on them. At least in my experience.. The people I've known who've obsessed over finding someone never did. I can't tell you why.. Maybe it's some aura they emit.. I don't know.

Even if that wasn't the case, I'm not sure dating apps will attract the people most compatible with you. It's old fashioned, I guess, but the most reliable way (I've seen) is to find people through other people. Through friends or family.. Maybe you don't have that privilege. So I guess that's something more foundational and fruitful to work on - building up connections instead.

I'm not some guru or whatever though. I will say that, even though you have the right to live how you want to, I think you owe it to yourself to be fair to yourself.

 

[aforestfire]

there's nothing wrong with you, if you can find some comfort in that: i feel the same way as you. regardless of what happens, if you get a date in time or go through with the ctb, i wish you the best, and may you able to find happiness, in a way or another.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The people I've known who've obsessed over finding someone never did

Well, I never obsessed with finding anyone for me, and I still didn't.

 

[TheLastK]

@Un- I get what you mean, but this is something I've wanted ever since I was a small child. To not care about it seems like an impossibility to me. I have a few friends, many of them met their partners through other people like how you've said, but it doesn't work like that for me apparently. I've never been introduced to anyone and I've given up hope on it.
I wish I could stop caring but there's a contradiction there if that makes sense: to stop caring is the only way to achieve this, therefore I would care about it. I don't know if that makes sense, apologies if it doesn't.