UnravelingWinter
I wish I was a sunflower
- Mar 19, 2022
- 206
One of the best feelings I've ever felt was last year before things went to hell, for about an hour I felt so extremely joyful for no reason.
Yes the feeling of control is nice--Just turning on the gas, watching the plastic bag fill up, taking those deep breaths and then watching the Oxygen plummet from my body from the oximeter, Nitrogen is pretty amazingWhen I tested my exit hood to make sure it worked. I put the bag over my head, turned on the gas, waited until I got close to passing out, then took off the hood and turned off the gas.
I now knew I only needed ten minutes to get everything together, and another hour of being undisturbed to make sure I would die. I literally controlled my entire life at that moment. That feeling of power and control was intoxicating. I rode that high for like three days.
Graduating college, hanging out with my friends for my bachelor party, getting married, getting that job I wanted, buying that video games I'd been looking forward to for months... all of that was nothing compared to knowing I controlled my life and no one could stop me.
The irony is I always COULD have controlled my life if I weren't such a passive and timid dumbass. But that moment, I truly felt the control.