Venting “What is success if hope has left you”

[willitpass]

The song "Hate Myself" by NF has the line that resonates with me more than any other song lyric has. Outwardly my life is so successful, minus some health problems. I've had to take a "temporary" (aka until I CTB) leave of absence at work due to my health deteriorating (secretly caused by my mental health, but people don't know that) but other than that my life is picture perfect. I was good at my job and loved it. I'm still working to get my degree and somehow making perfect grades despite not doing any studying. I have a few friends left though I don't ever go out with any of them and rarely text. I have a few amazing family members that make up for my shitty ones. I have a very friendly, playful cat, a decent apartment, a good car. I have creative hobbies that I'm always told I'm amazing at and should sell for profit. I have so many things going for me.

But none of that matters. I don't feel joy or excitement about it. I get an A on an exam I didn't even study for and I don't give a shit. I get told I did amazing at work and I feel nothing. I don't do my hobbies anymore because I feel nothing from them, they drain me more than anything. I stopped texting people back because I don't have the energy for relationships. I could get an award for doing something amazing and I would still want to fucking die. I would still hate myself. I would still come home and self harm. I would still spend my bathroom breaks researching suicide. I would still spend my days off laying in bed doing nothing because I don't have the energy to exist. What the fuck does it matter if I'm successful? If I'm high functioning? If it looks like I have it all together? I still loathe myself. I'm still going to kill myself. All it means is when I die everyone is going to say "but she had so much going for her". I do. But for what?

 

[Mirrory Me]

Remind yourself to be good to yourself.

 

[hoppybunny]

Could this be biological depression then or Is there maybe a philosophical issue going on.

Like I used to be similar to you but the mental illness one, now I'm.just content with graduating college. And one of the reasons for my depression was I simply could not fathom having to work till I died. Like having to actually put in effort to pay my bills or like having to choose a career that my parents will be OK with that I don't like or deal with the uncertainty of a job I like but the pay isn't always guaranteed.

The combination of uncertainty plus lack of wanting to put in the effort to love made me want to kill myself wven though I had a pretty good life.

My advice is to see a doctor to check if this is a medical issue or talk to a therapist or examin yourself to see if it's a mentality issue.

Finding the root cause will help alot. I stopped taking anti depresents cause I realised my situation was the cause of my depression not brain chemicals and I'm slowly kinda doing better.

 

[willitpass]

Could this be biological depression then or Is there maybe a philosophical issue going on.

Like I used to be similar to you but the mental illness one, now I'm.just content with graduating college. And one of the reasons for my depression was I simply could not fathom having to work till I died. Like having to actually put in effort to pay my bills or like having to choose a career that my parents will be OK with that I don't like or deal with the uncertainty of a job I like but the pay isn't always guaranteed.

The combination of uncertainty plus lack of wanting to put in the effort to love made me want to kill myself wven though I had a pretty good life.

My advice is to see a doctor to check if this is a medical issue or talk to a therapist or examin yourself to see if it's a mentality issue.

Finding the root cause will help alot. I stopped taking anti depresents cause I realised my situation was the cause of my depression not brain chemicals and I'm slowly kinda doing better.

I have tried too many medications to count as well as having been through every form of talk therapy available. I've even had shock therapy. I can tell you my thought processes, I can tell you why I feel certain ways, I can explain step by step the cycles my mind goes through. I know what I'm self sabotaging and know what coping skills I should use in each instance. But coping skills don't seem to work when I'm aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm too self aware to the point of my own detriment. I have been in therapy since I was a young child. There is nothing medication will do for me. There is nothing more I can tell a therapist or that a therapist can tell me. My mind is set in its ways.

 

[justpathetic]

Success would be finally over coming SI and catching that family bus

 

[hoppybunny]

I have tried too many medications to count as well as having been through every form of talk therapy available. I've even had shock therapy. I can tell you my thought processes, I can tell you why I feel certain ways, I can explain step by step the cycles my mind goes through. I know what I'm self sabotaging and know what coping skills I should use in each instance. But coping skills don't seem to work when I'm aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm too self aware to the point of my own detriment. I have been in therapy since I was a young child. There is nothing medication will do for me. There is nothing more I can tell a therapist or that a therapist can tell me. My mind is set in its ways.

Gosh I'm so sorry. It may seem shallow for me to say this but I get how you feel. I've quit therapy constantly cause I know what's wrong with me. I wish there was a magic sign to tell me how to fix my head. I've also been suicidal.since I was a kid and while it seems like you've tried everything I just want to say that sometimes when you've felt some way for a long time your body can resist any changed cause you like believe this is just how you are.

I wish I could help more but I can't even help.myself. I just hope u can find some peace. All I can suggest is just trying out a bunch of shit before you cbt. Who knows maybe you'll like knitting or you're ans adrenaline junkie that likes sky diving.

 

[willitpass]

Gosh I'm so sorry. It may seem shallow for me to say this but I get how you feel. I've quit therapy constantly cause I know what's wrong with me. I wish there was a magic sign to tell me how to fix my head. I've also been suicidal.since I was a kid and while it seems like you've tried everything I just want to say that sometimes when you've felt some way for a long time your body can resist any changed cause you like believe this is just how you are.

I wish I could help more but I can't even help.myself. I just hope u can find some peace. All I can suggest is just trying out a bunch of shit before you cbt. Who knows maybe you'll like knitting or you're ans adrenaline junkie that likes sky diving.

I already have tried out a bunch of shit. I used to have hobbies I loved that I am incredibly good at. I've been told to make a business out of my hobbies I'm so good at them. But joy has left me. Motivation has left me. A desire to change has left me, and if there is no desire to change, then any attempts at changing will be futile. My time is up in less than a week now. I have a date set, I'm just waiting to pick up the last med from the pharmacy and then I'm booking a hotel. Over half my life has been spent fighting, it's time.

 

[hoppybunny]

I already have tried out a bunch of shit. I used to have hobbies I loved that I am incredibly good at. I've been told to make a business out of my hobbies I'm so good at them. But joy has left me. Motivation has left me. A desire to change has left me, and if there is no desire to change, then any attempts at changing will be futile. My time is up in less than a week now. I have a date set, I'm just waiting to pick up the last med from the pharmacy and then I'm booking a hotel. Over half my life has been spent fighting, it's time.

Take care.