Largeletters
Alone
- Jan 21, 2020
- 640
Another thought-provoking question... what is something that happened to you which in turn, changed you forever or was especially life-altering?
same. i want to ctb but i know even death won't justify/make up for all the suffering that you, me and everyone has gone through. is so unfairFor me it was being born. This was a very significant point in my life, it changed everything for me. I want to ctb to correct that misfortune, although suicide will never negate or undo the damage and the curse of having existed in this world.
How long ago did that happen?One of my close friends killed themselves in my freshman year of high school. Nothing has ever really felt the same since then.
I'm so sorry you had to witness that. It's heart-wrenching for me, so I can't imagine what it was like for you as a child to witness that. I had somewhat similar experiences in school, and no one really stood up for me, so my heart goes out to you and your friend at the time as I sort of know what it's like.When I was in 5th grade, the whole class ganged up on my friend and told her to kill herself. She told the wrong person that her mother tried to kill her as a baby. What fucked me up wasn't that it happened but that the apparently nicest, sweetest, least aggressive people in the class joined in and really had a great time. I remember seeing the smiles on their faces. There was nothing I could do. I tried to jump in and intervene, but I may as well have screamed into the void.
No amount of arguing with the teacher helped. I should just let it go because they were just words. It didn't help that my friend was a troublemaker, so fuck her, I guess.
Due to that experience more than any other, I have a lot of trust issues. And you know what? Aside from family, I have paid dearly every time I put an ounce of trust in anybody, so little me knew what was up. But I'm a slow learner, apparently.
Yep, for sure. The minute I stop being immediate useful is the minute I expect to get ditched. I don't tell people IRL shit about how I'm really doing. Either way, they leave me anyway. Gotta stop getting my hopes up.I'm so sorry you had to witness that. It's heart-wrenching for me, so I can't imagine what it was like for you as a child to witness that. I had somewhat similar experiences in school, and no one really stood up for me, so my heart goes out to you and your friend at the time as I sort of know what it's like.
I understand having trust issues. It sucks. All people seem to do is abuse the trust and faith you put into them.
Most people in my life have used me and then find someone better, I never expect people to stay long. That's why I don't bother finding new relationships or rehashing old ones; what's the point?Yep, for sure. The minute I stop being immediate useful is the minute I expect to get ditched. I don't tell people IRL shit about how I'm really doing. Either way, they leave me anyway. Gotta stop getting my hopes up.
Exactly. Same. I even had an ex "friend" invite me out only to change her mind and ghost me and then complain about how tired she was from the activities she excluded me from. It'd be fucking hilarious if it weren't the story of my life. Nowadays, I'm like this meme:Most people in my life have used me and then find someone better, I never expect people to stay long. That's why I don't bother finding new relationships or rehashing old ones; what's the point?
I grew up and saw not only the nature of adult interpersonal relationships in the world but also things like how important is money, and social status.Another thought-provoking question... what is something that happened to you which in turn, changed you forever or was especially life-altering?
I'm so sorry for what you've been through... I wish there was more I could say. Those events would definitely shape one's experience in life. I agree with you, those who say that stupid bullshit definitely have had it easy if they feel that way.Obvious trigger warning for mention of child sexual abuse, for whatever it's worth:
Being sexually abused and raped by 2 different people, starting at age 6. Tried multiple times to tell someone what was happening. Wasn't taken seriously and nothing was done about it. One of the times I was even told that "I shouldn't be doing things like that" after waking up in the abuser's bed one day* (not the first time) with no pants on, bleeding from the mouth and feeling like I'd been ripped in half. All of that did a number on me, both physically and psychologically, and it was just a downward spiral from there on out.
(*I was often given crushed-up pills before bed to make me sleep, because I was otherwise afraid to go to sleep – shocker – or I'd get up shortly after "falling asleep" and just give the adults a thousand-yard stare. I think it was my subconscience trying to ask for help because I'd often "wake up" in the middle of it, and I'd be in the middle of trying to ask for help with something, but not being able to get any other words out... so then the pills started. It was just some dimenhydrinate as far as I know but it knocked me the fuck out every time.)
Also, just while I'm at it, the expression "everything happens for a reason" makes me feel sick. I'd like to challenge anyone who says that to look at an 8 year-old girl who's being fucked by her own family member, burned, choked, dragged around by her hair, cleaning up an alcoholic family member's vomit, chased with lit fireworks, afraid to go to sleep out of fear what she'll wake up to, tried to kill herself with a plastic bag over her head to escape her home life, etc etc, that "everything happens for a reason". Fuck that.
I know a kid who got recently diagnosed as autistic, just because no one wants to look after him for years. They needed to wash their hands and arrange free support from a special teacher. That kid has trauma, but is not autistic. And when he grows up, will find out the truth and will hate them and for an obvious reason.Being misdiagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when I never had it (found out I was neurotypical a few years later after it).
It caused people to treat me more like a child, they stopped taking me seriously and reaching out, and in a nutshell, I destroyed my life because of it. Had I not done that, I think I wouldn't be suicidal, maybe a bit depressed, but not in a void I won't be able to escape no matter how much I want to.
Dear God... I hope someone can help that kid, no one deserves to grow up living a lie...I know a kid who got recently diagnosed as autistic, just because no one wants to look after him for years. They needed to wash their hands and arrange free support from a special teacher. That kid has trauma, but is not autistic. And when he grows up, will find out the truth and will hate them and for an obvious reason.