What is recovery?

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I haven't posted over here before. Not sure if I am recovering of just on an upswing (bipolar) but this is what happened:

Tuesday I drove about an hour south from where I live. It is one of the most beautiful places in the world, objectively. Steep cliffs against the deepest parts of the ocean. A crazy dangerous place where people die accidently all the time. I found a place to pull off the road. It was sunset. I brought along my bottle of N. I planned to wait until nightfall, climb down the cliff until I found a hidden place to sit and drink the N. It was cold and windy. I sat on a rock and watched the sunset and shivered. The sun set as it always does and it got colder. My mind was totally blank.

Then ... I got in my car and drove home. Deeply deeply tired. Like that feeling where you've been crying for hours but I hadn't cried at all. I am not sure why I didn't do it. The timing was good - there could not have been a better spot to die. I've made attempts before and carried through - but failed obviously. Why??

I feel so far away from everything now. Like I don't care. Also like nothing can hurt me.

Does this mean I'm in recovery? Or maybe I am about to be manic.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I haven't posted over here before. Not sure if I am recovering of just on an upswing (bipolar) but this is what happened:

Tuesday I drove about an hour south from where I live. It is one of the most beautiful places in the world, objectively. Steep cliffs against the deepest parts of the ocean. A crazy dangerous place where people die accidently all the time. I found a place to pull off the road. It was sunset. I brought along my bottle of N. I planned to wait until nightfall, climb down the cliff until I found a hidden place to sit and drink the N. It was cold and windy. I sat on a rock and watched the sunset and shivered. The sun set as it always does and it got colder. My mind was totally blank.

Then ... I got in my car and drove home. Deeply deeply tired. Like that feeling where you've been crying for hours but I hadn't cried at all. I am not sure why I didn't do it. The timing was good - there could not have been a better spot to die. I've made attempts before and carried through - but failed obviously. Why??

I feel so far away from everything now. Like I don't care. Also like nothing can hurt me.

Does this mean I'm in recovery? Or maybe I am about to be manic.

It could mean that it's not your time yet and that deep down you want to give life a chance and see if you can turn things around.

 

[natali4]

Maybe there is still hope. CTB is not easy, we are programmed to fight for survival. If there is any hope or chance to have a better life and be happy, you should take it.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Recovery is living on purpose. Not stagnating, not just surviving, but working towards goals that are life-affirming. It sounds like you weren't quite ready to die yet and are perhaps dissociating from the intensity of that almost-suicide experience. When I took a train to the bridge and turned around and went home, I felt a similar exhaustion. Suicidal thoughts and actions are exhausting in general. I hope the experience can bring you some clarity, and that you are able to find meaning in your pain.