Help What is life without authentic human contact?

[NordNihilist]

Hi, new member here.


Sorry in advance for the rant/vent. Been lurking for a while and you guys seemed so genuine and nice. Didn't know where else to go.

So basically, most of my life has been spent in solitude, isolation and with long periods of depression, unable to connect with my peers. It's like the "social antennae" that everyone uses to communicate with are just broken in my case. It's like I don't know how to do basic stuff everyone else takes for granted. Small-talk? Friends? Socializing? Partying? Alcohol? Girlfriends? Sex? Authentic human relationships? I can't do it. It's like I'm missing parts of my brain that everyone else has.

I have tried having reciprocated feelings several times in my life, but whenever things start to get too intimate, emotionally or physically my brain basically shuts down and I get an extreme anxiety attack.

A year ago finally tried getting help from a professional with whom we identified an abandonment trauma stemming from a chaotic childhood with divorced parents and severe childhood emotional neglect.
I have been feeling physical pain for several months now feeling like it is eminating from the central nervous system. Like if Death had an iron grip around the place in the body where the soul lives. I can hardly function in my day-to-day life.

I remember my grandparents with their life-long relationships. I know I will never have that. I will never be a husband. I will never be a father. The social center and love/relationship center in my brain is completely destroyed. I feel robbed of all of the most beautiful and worthwhile things in life.

So here I am in my late twenties, having arrived at the bus stop, pondering whether or not to catch the next bus.

Am I being a whiny, overdramatic and privileged Westerner? I still feel like there is nothing to live for.

Any of you guys in a similar boat?

 

[Sensei]

Hi, new member here.

Welcome to the forum. I'm a new member too.

So basically, most of my life has been spent in solitude, isolation and with long periods of depression, unable to connect with my peers. It's like the "social antennae" that everyone uses to communicate with are just broken in my case. It's like I don't know how to do basic stuff everyone else takes for granted. Small-talk? Friends? Socializing? Partying? Alcohol? Girlfriends? Sex? Authentic human relationships? I can't do it. It's like I'm missing parts of my brain that everyone else has.

I'm not exactly in your situation, but I know the feeling. I feel like I'm dissonant and not in tune with people, and that I'm a loser in a game whose rules I don't understand.

I have tried having reciprocated feelings several times in my life, but whenever things start to get too intimate, emotionally or physically my brain basically shuts down and I get an extreme anxiety attack.

Would you say that it's social anxiety or is it some other kind of mental gridlock?

Am I being a whiny, overdramatic and privileged Westerner?

No. Suffering is subjective and can't be compared. If you suffer, you suffer.

 

[NordNihilist]

I'm not exactly in your situation, but I know the feeling. I feel like I'm dissonant and not in tune with people, and that I'm a loser in a game whose rules I don't understand.

I'm glad to meet someone with the same experience.

Would you say that it's social anxiety or is it some other kind of mental gridlock?

Its part of the childhood trauma. It feels like... say if feelings had to travel from the heart and reach the brain to express themselves (I know it physically doesn't work that way) then its like and unstoppable force (love) meets and immovable object in the brain. Everything freezes , the brain shuts down and cracks appear in the soul from this collision.

There was this girl once... we knew each other growing up. It felt like "we" were always supposed to be. And she felt the same way. And I couldn't do it. I let her down. Its many years ago now. I just think about what could have been. If I had been more... functional.

 

[FrailPaleStaleMaleSS]

I'm 29 currently. Basically the same tbh. It's near impossible for people to view me as worthy of their time. I look disgusting, so the primitive part of peoples brains recognise this and it makes them want to avoid me. The feeling of disgust is meant to keep you away from disease, bad mates etc. So in a comfortable modern society with ever rising standards the past few decades. That's exactly what's happened.

I remember my last hug, that was 25 years ago. I pretty much spend all my time online nowadays because I have very little reason to go out..I have my coping mechanisms and people to talk to on here. I'm happier interacting online. Life is pretty depressing overall. We're I able to leave a review on my way out it would get the lowest rating possible, a harshly worded comment and a warning to never to try it unless you manage to pick an easy mode.

 

[Time]

Hi, new member here.


Sorry in advance for the rant/vent. Been lurking for a while and you guys seemed so genuine and nice. Didn't know where else to go.

So basically, most of my life has been spent in solitude, isolation and with long periods of depression, unable to connect with my peers. It's like the "social antennae" that everyone uses to communicate with are just broken in my case. It's like I don't know how to do basic stuff everyone else takes for granted. Small-talk? Friends? Socializing? Partying? Alcohol? Girlfriends? Sex? Authentic human relationships? I can't do it. It's like I'm missing parts of my brain that everyone else has.

I have tried having reciprocated feelings several times in my life, but whenever things start to get too intimate, emotionally or physically my brain basically shuts down and I get an extreme anxiety attack.

A year ago finally tried getting help from a professional with whom we identified an abandonment trauma stemming from a chaotic childhood with divorced parents and severe childhood emotional neglect.
I have been feeling physical pain for several months now feeling like it is eminating from the central nervous system. Like if Death had an iron grip around the place in the body where the soul lives. I can hardly function in my day-to-day life.

I remember my grandparents with their life-long relationships. I know I will never have that. I will never be a husband. I will never be a father. The social center and love/relationship center in my brain is completely destroyed. I feel robbed of all of the most beautiful and worthwhile things in life.

So here I am in my late twenties, having arrived at the bus stop, pondering whether or not to catch the next bus.

Am I being a whiny, overdramatic and privileged Westerner? I still feel like there is nothing to live for.

Any of you guys in a similar boat?

Welcome, NordNihilist.

Wow, I can definitely identify. Most people can function properly with each other but I struggle with this a lot.

So, no, I don't think that you sound whiny or overdramatic. "privileged Westerner"??? Yeah, I think so lol. BUT these are our issues nonetheless & they're causing serious pain in our lives so...

I'm glad to meet someone with the same experience.



Its part of the childhood trauma. It feels like... say if feelings had to travel from the heart and reach the brain to express themselves (I know it physically doesn't work that way) then its like and unstoppable force (love) meets and immovable object in the brain. Everything freezes , the brain shuts down and cracks appear in the soul from this collision.

There was this girl once... we knew each other growing up. It felt like "we" were always supposed to be. And she felt the same way. And I couldn't do it. I let her down. Its many years ago now. I just think about what could have been. If I had been more... functional.

Never heard it put that way but VERY well said. The many missed opportunities I've had in life haunt me often. ✌

 

[SoupSnakes]

Welcome to the forum!

Whilst I don't completely share your experience, I share some parts.

It's like the "social antennae" that everyone uses to communicate with are just broken in my case. It's like I don't know how to do basic stuff everyone else takes for granted. Small-talk? Friends? Socializing? Partying? Alcohol? Girlfriends? Sex? Authentic human relationships? I can't do it. It's like I'm missing parts of my brain that everyone else has.

I have tried having reciprocated feelings several times in my life, but whenever things start to get too intimate, emotionally or physically my brain basically shuts down and I get an extreme anxiety attack.

This really stands out to me. I've managed to fake my life pretty well (relationships, marriage etc) but then because of the above always managing to slip back through, lost all of that. So I currently feel I'm in the same position as you, I can't see it getting any better and I'm way too tired to keep up the facade any longer. I know I won't ever be a wife again (not that I was a good one to start out with), I won't be a mother. I'm content with that.

It's good to hear you at least tried professional help, is it a possibility to carry that on and see where it takes you or no? I'm not advocating either way for that, I've had professional help myself and it's done absolutely nothing for me but I think it's completely dependant on the person.

I'm sure you'll find many like minded people here. My PM is always open if you need it.

 

[Sensei]

Its part of the childhood trauma. It feels like... say if feelings had to travel from the heart and reach the brain to express themselves (I know it physically doesn't work that way) then its like and unstoppable force (love) meets and immovable object in the brain. Everything freezes , the brain shuts down and cracks appear in the soul from this collision.

I'm no psychiatrist but this sounds more psychological than chemical, so to speak. Maybe it can be solved with psychotherapy.

There was this girl once... we knew each other growing up. It felt like "we" were always supposed to be. And she felt the same way. And I couldn't do it. I let her down. Its many years ago now. I just think about what could have been. If I had been more... functional.

I try not to look back. Too many failures and missed opportunities. Better to live here and now.

 

[Bluefish]

I'm so sorry for you, I can deeply emphatise with your situation. I'm also isolated and feel robbed of life, because of my physical disability- which unfortunately can't be fixed.

Past trauma definitely affects you, but it doesn't mean you're ruined or broken forever. I agree with others, you could give theraphy a try. And you aren't whiny! Feeling isolated your whole life has a big impact on mental wellbeing. I think true connections to others are very important, im so sorry you've haven't had luck with it previously.

A bit silly suggestion. Could a pet give you some company? Its not human, but it is something :)

 

[NordNihilist]

This really stands out to me. I've managed to fake my life pretty well (relationships, marriage etc) but then because of the above always managing to slip back through, lost all of that. So I currently feel I'm in the same position as you, I can't see it getting any better and I'm way too tired to keep up the facade any longer. I know I won't ever be a wife again (not that I was a good one to start out with), I won't be a mother. I'm content with that.

It's good to hear you at least tried professional help, is it a possibility to carry that on and see where it takes you or no? I'm not advocating either way for that, I've had professional help myself and it's done absolutely nothing for me but I think it's completely dependant on the person.

Its really hard when you realize all the existentially meaningful parts of life is not available to you.

Professional help only made me realize why I was the way I was. It hasn't helped exactly. It triggered something in me. I have been feeling physical pain in the nerves in my spine and chest for months on end now, like there are hands wrapped around them tightening and twisting. On bad days it tightens around the lungs aswell. Makes me hyperventilate when going to bed and stuff.
Really weird. I didn't know the mind could actually do that until I experienced it myself.

I'm no psychiatrist but this sounds more psychological than chemical, so to speak. Maybe it can be solved with psychotherapy.

So yeah, I'm still gonna give it some time. I just feel so broken and defeated.

 

[jgm63]

I would suggest you start listening to Barry Long (spiritual teacher).
He has a lot of material on youtube that you can listen to.
Listening to someone who speaks the truth is a form of true love.
And true love can heal.....

 

[WhiteDespair]

Yup. You sounds like me.

 

[Lethe]

I don't think it's all bad. Being socially isolated means you're probably very introspective and aren't easily swayed by social norms, able to think for yourself, etc. You probably have some very insightful perspectives on things that other people can't see. I do empathize though, I've been a loner all my life as well. It's like I wasn't born with the bits of programming in the brain that drive you to seek out and enjoy social interaction. I haven't had an IRL friend since like... late elementary school/early middle school or so? Though unlike you I don't really have any interest in making friends.

I've often thought that I come from the same genetic "stock" that the shamans in early civilization came from, living on the fringes of society and such. Unfortunately, the 'shaman' archetype is outmoded in modern society, and doesn't serve a purpose anymore.

 

[Final Escape]

I feel like this is relevant as to why so many people are struggling with this now. It is not your fault, we are being conditioned in society to have trouble connecting and stuff.

 

[cowbain]

I realized that I never had a human relationship either, whether that be romantic or platonic, or with family. I grew up with narcissists and as I got older they felt threatened so they did everything to sabotage what little independence I did have, until I had none. It was already a lonely existence and they purposefully isolated me even more. They'll never admit that tho. I don't think people who haven't experienced it really realize how damaging and detrimental it is for people to be raised by narcissists. Narcissists are barely human, in fact I would say they aren't human at all. It's really like being thrown into a cave as a child. You're all alone and have to raise and fend for yourself.

 

[Meretlein]

Most of my loneliness was self imposed. Just been too mentally ill a lot of the time to do anything or leave the house. It sucks because I love to socialize.

 

[NordNihilist]

I realized that I never had a human relationship either, whether that be romantic or platonic, or with family. I grew up with narcissists and as I got older they felt threatened so they did everything to sabotage what little independence I did have, until I had none. It was already a lonely existence and they purposefully isolated me even more. They'll never admit that tho. I don't think people who haven't experienced it really realize how damaging and detrimental it is for people to be raised by narcissists. Narcissists are barely human, in fact I would say they aren't human at all. It's really like being thrown into a cave as a child. You're all alone and have to raise and fend for yourself.

Childhood and your parents are so fundamentally important in how people turn out. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that there is nothing more important than giving children a good childhood with loving parents who love each other and love the child. Who are nurturing, caring and loving. That's how healthy human beings are made. Couples who are able to create that represent the best of humanity to me. That is what is most beautiful and worthwhile in life. How many damaged souls are out there because of lacking this?

 

[cowbain]

Childhood and your parents are so fundamentally important in how people turn out. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that there is nothing more important than giving children a good childhood with loving parents who love each other and love the child. Who are nurturing, caring and loving. That's how healthy human beings are made. Couples who are able to create that represent the best of humanity to me. That is what is most beautiful and worthwhile in life. How many damaged souls are out there because of lacking this?

Yep. It either creates damaged people that struggle with their mental health or damaged people who become abusive themselves, both types struggle with connection it just shows up in different ways. Still, there's no excuse for abuse. My parents both didn't have a great childhood, especially my mom. I tried being the bigger person. I was compassionate and understanding to my parents even though they were never like that to me. We even tried family therapy with two different companies and individualized therapy for my parents but they refused to participate or admit to their ways and actions. I did all of this while being a child myself! In my opinion you can sympathize with ones pain but once that person uses that pain to hurt others the sympathy ends there.

 

[azucaramargo]

A year ago finally tried getting help from a professional with whom we identified an abandonment trauma stemming from a chaotic childhood with divorced parents and severe childhood emotional neglect.

This was a smart move. What became of this therapist? Do you still receive treatment there? I think that is REALLY important. You're lucky to have found a doc who is familiar with abandonment trauma.

 

[Susannah]

I know how you feel. I'm unable to be in "honest" relations. Got damaged in my late childhood/early teenager because my mum convinced me that people are genuine untrustworthy, and especially men. I still need human contact, sex even. I just can't stay in a relation, I'm either either too cold and sceptical, or I'm hot as hell. All in between is boring for me. I should have lived in a fantasy movie.

 

[BabyYoda]

Trying to go through college life like this because I hate opening up nowadays. Doesn't seem to go well because it feels too heavy for me to handle. All my problems, I solve on my own. I don't want to expect anything anymore and I just want to be able to live without others