Does anyone else think back to when it all went wrong and fantasize they had a time machine that could change everything if they could only find the right moment to change their life? Then you'd have a beautiful life and could be a good person and would still have you're friends and could be proud of whoo you are.
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
All the time..can remember the exact moment it all tumbled down
It's sad isn't to feel this way. I guess we could just not think about this but I find myself thinking about it all the time.
Yup, that's the only reason I'm suicidal. I had an accident and became disabled, I hate having help for basic things everyone else can do
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
Lifeofregret, what if you found a way to make something lovely out of yourself and accepted that they want to take care of yourself? What if you could find something in yourself that you could give to the world that you could justify your existence with? I can't think of anything myself but I feel that if I could then I'd have a reason to live. I don't want to make you feel worse Lifeofregret.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
eating disorder at 17. I would stop myself from from doing it. It destroyed everything. My health, football, money, confidence, education, family, friends, girlfriend, etc. It ruined everything. I wasnt depressed before that. Ever since life has been hell.
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
i dont think i was ever truly happy,, my life seems to be going pretty fine by society standards but i still would prefer non existence.. i think life is inherently flawed, it may be depression talking but its been going on for so long that i sincerely believe that no matter what good comes out of life won't make me happy plus it can be taken away any time replaced by horrible horrible things with no prior notice which gives me a lot of anxiety that cant be beaten by unrealisitc blind optimism.
Yes. I think about it all day and night. 3 months ago I walked into a doctors office healthy. He made up all these test results and said I was very sick and put me on meds. I said no. I don't do meds and he bullied me. That week the meds made me so sick and fried my hair to the point where it's all falling out and damaged. I've never been depressed or suicidal before. Now all I want to do is leave this world ASAP. I play the doctors appointment in my head over and over. I said no and fought until the last 5 minutes. If only I walked out or just held strong for a few more minutes
Bigj75 could you become an esports athelete? Please forgive me is this is an insensitive thing to suggest but maybe you could be one, if you love football. Sorry if that's a drag to suggest. If I could find something like that for myself to do maybe I wouldn't feel suicidal.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
my depression is just so severe that even now if I was in a professional football team I would still ctb. It's my health now that is making me so depressed. It's getting worse. The eating disorder caused some organ failure/damage. It's painful at times and there is no cure.
Got it. You see I'm two people inside, one is suicidal, the other is optimistic. I have tinnitus so I can't be a musician. That's a lame excuse. I also used to take a lot of speed so I'm thin and I exercised a lot but I should have spent my time on more wholesome pursuits, but I didn't, which is why I'm here.
I want to lift people out of their pits so that maybe I'd be pulled along with them.
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
I'm damaged by medication too..some kind of nervous system problem brain damage. What meds was it can i ask? I'm in a Neurotoxicty group and some people have gotten better over time and managed to try supplements etc that improved things.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
Well, this is where I use someone else's words because they said it much better than I ever could.
"If I told you how the story ends,
Would you change a step you take.
And if I could relive all of my days,
I'd live them all the same.
'Cause I'm scared, of all that I don't know.
'Cause I want it all but all of it ain't gold.
And I'm scared, but I know it's not for long
'Cause I'm learning what I should've long before.
That all we are
Is a light into the darkness;
And all we are
Is time that's counting down;
And all we are
Is falling through the spaces in between,
Endless flight..."
"If I told you how the story ends,
Would you change a step you take.
And if I could relive all of my days,
I'd live them all the same.
'Cause I'm scared, of all that I don't know.
'Cause I want it all but all of it ain't gold.
And I'm scared, but I know it's not for long
'Cause I'm learning what I should've long before.
That all we are
Is a light into the darkness;
And all we are
Is time that's counting down;
And all we are
Is falling through the spaces in between,
Endless flight..."
- The Eden Project, Circles.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
Yes it Is totally insane. I just dont know. I've come across so many medication damage people that end up million times worse after seeing the Dr and the terrifying thing is there are no consequences for them they can't even seem to see and make the connection to the drugs and I don't think reactions are getting reported properly. So left with broken lives unable to get disability without medical proof or help or respect from others. Nothing.
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
I cannot stand to live because whatever has happened to brain is like my whole sense self personality dreams interests has been deleted replaced by something that is torturous agony. And i can't stand to be that person. Can barely speak to people with the pain I'm in and can never feel anything remotely close to contentment.
Deadinside24
Experienced
- Aug 7, 2018
- 245
If that existed, my life would be ridiculously different. Who knows, maybe in an alternate universe, some me out there is loving life and living it to the fullest. I'm envious of that ass hole.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
so what's the benefit to doing that to patients? I guess you have to keep going back to that doctor giving them money to fix the symptoms?
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
I do not know..I know drs supporting my cause are largely ostracized by their profession if they go against the grain so to speak. And those drs speak of denial in their profession. The Dr that destroyed me would hang her head in shame if she could feel this.
But i know in other countries indiviudal drs are directly "supported"by drug companies.
But i know in other countries indiviudal drs are directly "supported"by drug companies.
FadedMemory
Student
- Aug 5, 2018
- 133
Wantingpeace
Wizard
- Aug 16, 2018
- 672
Yes! Was drug Was it..it is very hard for others to believe. So they think it is all imaginary.
Ambien and Xanax. I'm small and petite. And also I told him I don't do pharma. I don't even take an apirin usually
I know. All the doctors I've been to after tell me it's impossible for that to happen. I'm like I'm not an idiot. I took it. Felt sick. And a few days after it happened. There's nothing else that could have caused it. But every doctor except holistic ones say it can. I only went to this doctor bc he said he is integrative medicine. Ha. This was BS
