What I want doesn’t matter

[its-about-time]

Kinda funny how that affects my desire to be done. Fuck me, I'm a piece of shit, I want it to be over. But I'm not important enough to do that to everyone else. My own stupid misery doesn't outweigh the misery I'd put a couple other people through. So here I am, hangin out.

I'm sitting outside and there's some kind of insect dying or something. It's on its back struggling. And I looked away because I was embarrassed for it. Things are meant to suffer alone I guess. Nobody needs to see it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it is a difficult situation to be in, wanting to escape from your suffering yet there are others that you would be leaving behind. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Kinda funny how that affects my desire to be done. Fuck me, I'm a piece of shit, I want it to be over. But I'm not important enough to do that to everyone else. My own stupid misery doesn't outweigh the misery I'd put a couple other people through. So here I am, hangin out.

I'm sitting outside and there's some kind of insect dying or something. It's on its back struggling. And I looked away because I was embarrassed for it. Things are meant to suffer alone I guess. Nobody needs to see it.

It's empathetic of you to care about hurting others. I don't really care anymore.
I was looking at a dog sleeping across the street and was somewhat envious. Just gets to sleep all day.

 

[its-about-time]

It's empathetic of you to care about hurting others. I don't really care anymore.
I was looking at a dog sleeping across the street and was somewhat envious. Just gets to sleep all day.

Sometimes I don't care. But usually I do. Last time I didn't care I went for it, took all the pre-meds and shit, but I'm a pathetic fuck-all and for whatever reason didn't go through with the last step. Gonna double the doses next time, even with the sedative and benzos my heart was pounding out of my chest 150bpm just at the thought of drinking SN.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Sometimes I don't care. But usually I do. Last time I didn't care I went for it, took all the pre-meds and shit, but I'm a pathetic fuck-all and for whatever reason didn't go through with the last step. Gonna double the doses next time, even with the sedative and benzos my heart was pounding out of my chest 150bpm just at the thought of drinking SN.

I don't blame you. Must be terrifying.

 

[its-about-time]

I think I just have a huge ego. Kinda contradictory given my worthlessness. But I always figure people will be REALLY interested in my life once I'm dead. Like, want to read all my journals, listen to all my songs, that kind of shit. Try to see through my eyes. It cracks me up a bit that that's not what will likely happen. I'll die, they'll do something with my body, all my shit will get boxed up or given away or hell maybe they'll just light the whole place on fire, that'd be my preference. Burn everything about me. Done. Gone. Over. I'm really not that interesting.

 

[butterfly🦋]

Sometimes I don't care. But usually I do. Last time I didn't care I went for it, took all the pre-meds and shit, but I'm a pathetic fuck-all and for whatever reason didn't go through with the last step. Gonna double the doses next time, even with the sedative and benzos my heart was pounding out of my chest 150bpm just at the thought of drinking SN.

The exact thing I'm afraid of like having a heart attack before the deed is done. The thought of the pounding heart and high blood pressure frightens me.

 

[its-about-time]

The exact thing I'm afraid of like having a heart attack before the deed is done. The thought of the pounding heart and high blood pressure frightens me.

With SN I believe it's low blood pressure, not high. That's what causes the high bpm- your body trying to compensate. I've had my heart rate up towards 250 many times, it's not safe but I didn't have a heart attack or anything. So I think the SN-induced high bpm (I've read it's generally around 180) won't trigger a heart attack or anything.

 

[butterfly🦋]

That makes me feel better. Thank you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I just have a huge ego. Kinda contradictory given my worthlessness. But I always figure people will be REALLY interested in my life once I'm dead. Like, want to read all my journals, listen to all my songs, that kind of shit. Try to see through my eyes. It cracks me up a bit that that's not what will likely happen. I'll die, they'll do something with my body, all my shit will get boxed up or given away or hell maybe they'll just light the whole place on fire, that'd be my preference. Burn everything about me. Done. Gone. Over. I'm really not that interesting.

I think we're all interested in tragic things we don't understand and for a lot of people, suicide is something they will never get their heads around. Maybe they will want to try and work out the WHY- I guess it's one of the things all families/friends do to try and come to terms with it. Don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves is really going to be able to understand it though.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I think I just have a huge ego. Kinda contradictory given my worthlessness. But I always figure people will be REALLY interested in my life once I'm dead. Like, want to read all my journals, listen to all my songs, that kind of shit. Try to see through my eyes. It cracks me up a bit that that's not what will likely happen. I'll die, they'll do something with my body, all my shit will get boxed up or given away or hell maybe they'll just light the whole place on fire, that'd be my preference. Burn everything about me. Done. Gone. Over. I'm really not that interesting.

People are morbid. Depending on the size of your network of people who know you, might cause some soul-searching as to why you did it. If I can get myself to go through with this a lot of people would wonder what happened, for a very short amount of time and then they would move on. They would figure I was troubled which I am.

 

[SentencedToLife]

My own stupid misery doesn't outweigh the misery I'd put a couple other people through. So here I am

Unfortunately, these words are all too familiar. Someone recently asked me what I want out of life (what kind of question is that, btw?). I calmly explained that my life is not about what I want, it's about what the people around me need. It's a surprisingly lonely existence considering there are people who care what happens. I'm sorry for your pain and frustration and that you are suffering alone.

Like, want to read all my journals, listen to all my songs, that kind of shit. Try to see through my eyes. It cracks me up a bit that that's not what will likely happen. I'll die, they'll do something with my body, all my shit will get boxed up or given away or hell maybe they'll just light the whole place on fire, that'd be my preference. Burn everything about me. Done. Gone. Over. I'm really not that interesting.

I would imagine if you care enough about the misery of other people then they would care about all of that. But I don't believe not going through with it and caring about other people makes you pathetic, for what it's worth. Not at all.