What I learned about suicide and weakness

[somethingsmthgirl]

I'm in contact and have done advocacy work for incarcerated trans and gender nonconforming people here in the US. The stories you hear... the extent of cruelty people are capable of... It's left me with very little interest in taking part in this world.

But many of the people I talked to, in spite of having endured such extreme suffering, were totally secure in their will to live. The thought of dying had no appeal to them. They had some kind of will which I seem to lack, to persevere through adversity and trauma and pursue a future for themselves. I know with a great deal of certainty that, as a trans woman, I would rather end my life than get locked up in a men's jail. But that sentiment is not universal.

It leads me to wonder what the difference is between me and them. I'm slowly coming to the belief that some of us have a great inner strength which others lack. I am one of those without that strength, with a profound weakness of heart. I can barely endure even the slightest fronts of adversity, so when push comes to shove, I lose my will to endure. And push always, always comes to shove.

What I want to better understand, and what this has to do with recovery, is to know what it's like being that strong. Do those people experience a kind of joy through their conviction which counteracts the pain, or are they deluded in their will to find a better future? Do they suffer more or less?

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I really agree with you here. I've also been around people who have suffered just insane amounts, but who have a completely indomitable will to live. And I have a similar conclusion that there's just some kind of inner strength that you either have or you don't. I definitely don't. Idk, your statement about a "profound weakness of the heart" is really exactly how I feel about myself.

Strength is so weird! How did other people build resilience when I built weakness? I had a really good upbringing and sometimes I blame that for my weakness. I imagine it must be easier if things start off worse, then once things get better you always have a reference point to how bad things could be, and you know you're own strength through what you've overcome. But even that doesn't make sense, because I know people who were destroyed by their trauma, who are still haunted by it despite it being firmly in the past and despite them building admirable lives.

I really despise my own weakness. I think it's the thing I hate about myself the most. I wish I understood strength. I wanna be strong more than anything. Recently I took up running and working out, I figured, maybe if I could be physically strong I'd understand it. But I think all it'll end up amounting to is me dying in the best shape of my life.

IDK. Your question here is THE question IMO. If you get an answer please keep us posted.