Discussion What drives you in life? For me it's true friendship

[nanaka]

I believe that the essence of what makes a true friendship is to know and resonate with the values that really count for your friends.
I believe that knowing what your friends' interests/hobbies are, or spending time with them, are not what builds a true friendship. These are just two surface things that help you get along with someone enough that they will start opening to you a little bit about what really counts to them.

With that said, I don't have many friends, and none which I would consider as a true friend, because one of the most important things that really counts for me is friendship.
I know this sounds corny. But to give a practical example, this means for example that when looking for a new job, being able to live near a friend is my highest factor of choice for that job, above salary or other advantages.
This is where I differ from the friends I have, and why I can't resonate with them as much as I would want to; because what they value is not friendship as well.
-one of my friends values family and so they moved to stay with their aging parents.
-another one values doing new things and meet people, so they moved to a capital city.
-my last friend values their lover, but they are in the middle of reevaluating what counts for them, because they feel like they are wasting away.
Of course, these are examples close to me right now, but I've also seen people for whom what seemed to matter most was extremely different, like: having and raising a child, have enough money to pay for anything they want, make the world a more safe/healthy/sustainable/efficient place, helping people in the need, travel around the world...etc.

Another thing is: I guess that what I call a true friend is essentially some kind of lover but in a platonic, possibly polyamorous way. Or rather: every lover should be a true friend, but with some more intimacy in the mix.
Unfortunately, couples with true friendship don't seem that common, but maybe it's just my own, wrong intuition. After all, what a couple truly values may not be visible to an outsider like me. But often, it is my impression that there is some kind of divide between what the woman does, and what her boyfriend does (speaking of heteronormative couples ofc).

Besides, having the same hobbies/interests doesn't mean your core values are 100% the same, but I like to think that interests DO have a better chance to attract like-minded people.

I'd like to know what you all think about my rambling, and also:
If you had to name only one, what is one core value of yours that drives you in life?

 

[hill.berri]

Hello! I get you, I also have a "true friend" who I'd do anything for, and it's not romantic.

I agree with your "rambling" (even though I don't consider it rambling), especially when you write that your interests being the same doesn't mean same core values. For example, she (my best friend) and I are different in every way possible, both personality, physically, and interest-wise, but still have that connection you talk about. I can't imagine a life without her.

As for your last question, I think finding the joy in everything is my core value, and I don't think in a pro-life, always positive way. I mean finding some comfort in things you do or see, no matter how random they are, for your good. For example, walking to my class every morning I look at the tress moving its branches or focus at every small thing in the river below the bridge next to me and start thinking how everything in life has its purpose and I'm just this speck in its way to find her own purpose in this world.

 

[sserafim]

I believe that the essence of what makes a true friendship is to know and resonate with the values that really count for your friends.
I believe that knowing what your friends' interests/hobbies are, or spending time with them, are not what builds a true friendship. These are just two surface things that help you get along with someone enough that they will start opening to you a little bit about what really counts to them.

With that said, I don't have many friends, and none which I would consider as a true friend, because one of the most important things that really counts for me is friendship.
I know this sounds corny. But to give a practical example, this means for example that when looking for a new job, being able to live near a friend is my highest factor of choice for that job, above salary or other advantages.
This is where I differ from the friends I have, and why I can't resonate with them as much as I would want to; because what they value is not friendship as well.
-one of my friends values family and so they moved to stay with their aging parents.
-another one values doing new things and meet people, so they moved to a capital city.
-my last friend values their lover, but they are in the middle of reevaluating what counts for them, because they feel like they are wasting away.
Of course, these are examples close to me right now, but I've also seen people for whom what seemed to matter most was extremely different, like: having and raising a child, have enough money to pay for anything they want, make the world a more safe/healthy/sustainable/efficient place, helping people in the need, travel around the world...etc.

Another thing is: I guess that what I call a true friend is essentially some kind of lover but in a platonic, possibly polyamorous way. Or rather: every lover should be a true friend, but with some more intimacy in the mix.
Unfortunately, couples with true friendship don't seem that common, but maybe it's just my own, wrong intuition. After all, what a couple truly values may not be visible to an outsider like me. But often, it is my impression that there is some kind of divide between what the woman does, and what her boyfriend does (speaking of heteronormative couples ofc).

Besides, having the same hobbies/interests doesn't mean your core values are 100% the same, but I like to think that interests DO have a better chance to attract like-minded people.

I'd like to know what you all think about my rambling, and also:
If you had to name only one, what is one core value of yours that drives you in life?

I'm not sure, I don't think anything drives me. Honestly I'm still alive cause I want to travel and explore the world, so maybe that?

 

[nanaka]

Hello! I get you, I also have a "true friend" who I'd do anything for, and it's not romantic.

I agree with your "rambling" (even though I don't consider it rambling), especially when you write that your interests being the same doesn't mean same core values. For example, she (my best friend) and I are different in every way possible, both personality, physically, and interest-wise, but still have that connection you talk about. I can't imagine a life without her.

As for your last question, I think finding the joy in everything is my core value, and I don't think in a pro-life, always positive way. I mean finding some comfort in things you do or see, no matter how random they are, for your good. For example, walking to my class every morning I look at the tress moving its branches or focus at every small thing in the river below the bridge next to me and start thinking how everything in life has its purpose and I'm just this speck in its way to find her own purpose in this world.

I'm happy for you that you have found someone who you can connect to at that level!
Sometimes, I kind of envy people like you that have values that are really kinda "high-level" like yours, because I think these are are really flexible and that it would help me bounce off more easily my negative thoughts. And on the other extreme of things, I also envy those who've got really materialistic values like making money, because they also do seem like they would be aspirations easier to accomplish than other things.

I'm not sure, I don't think anything drives me. Honestly I'm still alive cause I want to travel and explore the world, so maybe that?

I think I kind of get you, but I'm not sure, because in my case I also want to travel and explore the world in some measure. The thing for me is: because "friendship" goes above "traveling the world" in terms of personal values, I want to travel the world (or really, have any experience) with someone who would also like to travel the world with me, but if I had to choose between staying at the same place to chill with them or travel alone, I would choose to stay.
In the contrary, if what really counts for you is to travel, I guess that if you were in a situation where you had the time/money/other resources to be able to travel at your will, ideally you would not be willing to sacrifice that ability to travel in exchange for "being with someone" or "earning money", for example.
I say ideally, because of course we have to do sacrifices all the time, either because:
-those side things that have less priority may still be preconditions to what drives you, like earning money to spend it on travel, or being with someone because it enables you to have access to 2-people+ travel experiences.
-or we have other things that slow us or stop us actively, like laziness, physical health, obligations like a child, or past traumas to only cite a few.
Do I make sense?

 

[sserafim]

I'm happy for you that you have found someone who you can connect to at that level!
Sometimes, I kind of envy people like you that have values that are really kinda "high-level" like yours, because I think these are are really flexible and that it would help me bounce off more easily my negative thoughts. And on the other extreme of things, I also envy those who've got really materialistic values like making money, because they also do seem like they would be aspirations easier to accomplish than other things.


I think I kind of get you, but I'm not sure, because in my case I also want to travel and explore the world in some measure. The thing for me is: because "friendship" goes above "traveling the world" in terms of personal values, I want to travel the world (or really, have any experience) with someone who would also like to travel the world with me, but if I had to choose between staying at the same place to chill with them or travel alone, I would choose to stay.
In the contrary, if what really counts for you is to travel, I guess that if you were in a situation where you had the time/money/other resources to be able to travel at your will, ideally you would not be willing to sacrifice that ability to travel in exchange for "being with someone" or "earning money", for example.
I say ideally, because of course we have to do sacrifices all the time, either because:
-those side things that have less priority may still be preconditions to what drives you, like earning money to spend it on travel, or being with someone because it enables you to have access to 2-people+ travel experiences.
-or we have other things that slow us or stop us actively, like laziness, physical health, obligations like a child, or past traumas to only cite a few.
Do I make sense?

I guess my other priority is to eventually have a lot of money because money allows you to do things. I'm aroace so I don't want a boyfriend or ever to get married, and I don't want children or a family. I honestly don't want to be with anyone, romantically or platonically.

I have Asperger's/autism, ADHD, and social anxiety, and due to these conditions, I think I developed avoidant personality disorder and eventually became a schizoid. I honestly don't want or need friends. I enjoy being alone. I'd say my biggest priority in life is freedom, I don't want to be tied down to anything or anyone. I also want my life to be meaningful and fulfilling. Unfortunately, so far it's not…

 

[nanaka]

I guess my other priority is to eventually have a lot of money because money allows you to do things. I'm aroace so I don't want a boyfriend or ever to get married, and I don't want children or a family. I honestly don't want to be with anyone, romantically or platonically.

I have Asperger's/autism, ADHD, and social anxiety, and due to these conditions, I think I developed avoidant personality disorder and eventually became a schizoid. I honestly don't want or need friends. I enjoy being alone. I'd say my biggest priority in life is freedom, I don't want to be tied down to anything or anyone. I also want my life to be meaningful and fulfilling. Unfortunately, so far it's not…

Freedom sounds like a great, but hard main value to fulfill... I hope your life will become fulfilling as much as I hope mine become too.

 

[peace_van]

I can relate to you, and I do have two intimate friends as you described, but I want more... I hope to push the 'friendship' further to a romantic relationship...
But I cannot. I'm so poor at being romantic... One says he isn't interested in it, the other says we two do not match.
I'm so worried I would mess the friendship up

 

[Forever Sleep]

It used to be my creative drive. It still sort of is but, even that's fading now. Now, it isn't so much about being driven by something but being held here by a feeling of obligation.

 

[eatantz]

All I want is romance

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It's hard to say. There isn't anything to speak of that makes me get out of bed in the morning. I suppose it's fair to say that just observing everything and everyone is a hobby of sorts. I like acquiring knowledge and living a peaceful life. Of course, it's forcibly peaceful due to my chronic health condition so it's not exactly by choice that I live as plainly as I do. But as far as passions or interests, no, I can't say I have any.

 

[shelterwhereisleep]

Truly, my boyfriend. I can't bear to call him my ex. He is my soulmate. Without him I am lost. I had so much time with him and I took too much of it for granted. The only thing that could keep me alive is him loving me again. He doesn't know it on the surface. But I think in his heart, he knows I cannot survive without him.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Fear is the only thing that seems to drive me most. Love comes close but there's no way it can even hope to compete with fear in overpowering all of my decisions and impulses. I would LOVE for love to be the true deciding factor but ultimately fear is what steers my tears for years and years.