What does your SI feel like thread?

[mathquestions12345]

Hey. I am held up by SI. So I want to talk about it. See if other people experience it the way I do. See what they do about it.
I am going to be concise.
When I think about nailing down a hard date, I feel I need to run from a burning building. When I did make a hard date, I felt that way. Then I didn't go forward with my plans.
When I think about all things things that make me want to die, I still think they are good reasons. So my thoughts about death are consistent, but I am having trouble moving forward. I bet others have similar experiences.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I am not sure and do correct me if i am wrong-but I am not sure if what you are struggling with is SI as such-in someways it is-as you stated 'you didnt go forward with your plans' so in that sense, something was stopping you-in thinking about it-you are scared and want to ' run from the burning building' but my understanding of SI is that it is much stronger & primal feeling- both a combination of intense physical & profound mental symptoms-that occur when you are much much closer to the act-like literally about to do, beginning or in the process of trying to ctb. I have been testing mine to the limits- and yet still at this time-the instinct is in charge & will not allow me to proceed.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

It´s quite interesting with SI that when I hold my loaded gun to my head and want to pull the trigger I start thinking I don´t want to ruin my parents life, and wondering if there will be pain even though I have done so much research proving there won´t be none and the last feeling that is peculiar is thinking if I pull the trigger it all ends here and I won´t experience anymore out of life the peculiar thing about this is I have so many physical and mental problems also financial problems that I will never get back to even 10% of the happiness I had earlier in my life I also have to much knowledge and wisdom of the world to enjoy anything; ignorance is truly bliss once you see the truth about everything life gets so boring and mundane it´s taking all the mystery and hope out of life I will make a thread about it soon to go into further detail.

But yeah anyways the last thing I mentioned with the knowing it all will be over actually gives a few seconds of high confidence and control where I realize with great confidence that why end it just this second because I can do it any time I want, again we are only talking 3-4 seconds if I sustain this feeling over power over whether to live or die that would be amazing.

Also as @MeltingHeart said about the primal factor I think that plays a huge role in SI it´s a way to self-preserve even though we know that the logical thing would be to ctb since we are never going to get any better and won´t ever even experience a fraction of the life we used to have.

Also @mathquestions12345 I hope you will get a lot of responses on this thread since I think it would be very interesting and important to narrow down the exact feelings of SI if it´s possible and as always sorry that I write so much I can never make anything short.

 

[mathquestions12345]

SI is that it is much stronger & primal feeling- both a combination of intense physical & profound mental symptoms-that occur when you are much much closer to the act-like literally about to do, beginning or in the process of trying to ctb.

This is it. I am saying the feeling is a type of panic. Its physical and mental.

I think there can be ways around it. I want to hear what its like for people and what they plan to do.

 

[MeltingHeart]

This is it. I am saying the feeling is a type of panic. Its physical and mental.

Yeah, it such intense and profound panic-it feels like the darkest experience- I almost feel like I am in an alternative universe-some kind of hell (I know that sounds deep & v. dark but that is what I experience)-and so hard to not fight against it, i keep testing and testing-pushing myself to the limits-and hoping eventually I will push myself just enough-where I may be in that panic but it by then too late to stop myself. Also tried alcohol but it is not strong enough to quell my SI.

 

[drake4871]

Honestly I think I can only overcome SI with either drugs & alcohol or randomness. EX: Playing russian roulette with myself 1 click a day, that way I know I may not die that day

That being said the night night method feels really good, so I might try to train myself to think it's safer than it actually is

 

[MeltingHeart]

Honestly I think I can only overcome SI with either drugs & alcohol or randomness. EX: Playing russian roulette with myself 1 click a day, that way I know I may not die that day

That being said the night night method feels really good, so I might try to train myself to think it's safer than it actually is

I am so amazed that people find any part of hng/ asphixation, ngt ngt etc feels even slightly good/ euphoric- feels like the most horrific thing I have ever felt :(

 

[Dawn0071111]

For me SI feels like the drive to give it "one more go" .... just give life.. one... more.. chance... its very fucking annoying. It feels like being tormented by and endless carrot & stick routine where I get neither.

 

[MeltingHeart]

For me SI feels like the drive to give it "one more go" .... just give life.. one... more.. chance... its very fucking annoying. It feels like being tormented by and endless carrot & stick routine where I get neither.

thats interesting-mine feel stronger than just give life another go-mine feels like death is enveloping me and i want it-but profound fear wont let me-like walking down a really dark alley thats getting increasingly darker and you want to keep walking to get to the other side-but something built into your brain wont let you-so just keep turning back-even though you can get close-and just need to push on that little bit further

 

[Dawn0071111]

thats interesting-mine feel stronger than just give life another go-mine feels like death is enveloping me and i want it-but profound fear wont let me-like walking down a really dark alley thats getting increasingly darker and you want to keep walking to get to the other side-but something built into your brain wont let you-so just keep turning back-even though you can get close-and just need to push on that little bit further

Great analogy...I get that... do you believe death is annihalation?

 

[MeltingHeart]

Great analogy...I get that... do you believe death is annihalation?

yes i do. yeah weirdly ive been trying to combat my innate fear-by doing things like literally walking in the dark- to see if I can build up a tolerance to that innate fear factor

 

[Heart of Ice]

I shake uncontrollably, the same kind when I'm really cold.

 

[mathquestions12345]

Honestly I think I can only overcome SI with either drugs & alcohol or randomness. EX: Playing russian roulette with myself 1 click a day, that way I know I may not die that day

That being said the night night method feels really good, so I might try to train myself to think it's safer than it actually is

I think maybe changing the way I think about CTB, So, maybe I think "I am going to test my method (which I have set up well) and maybe it will work or maybe not. So I setup for success, but I interpret it as a test.

 

[woxihuanni]

It is an animal of prey. Sheer blind terror, skipping heartbeat, sweat, cold numb hands. If I could take SI out of me and strangle it, I would. I'm sure the fucker would slink around and grin sickeningly and cower miserably for many more years until cancer came too late or something. SI, I hate more than anything else.

 

[Amz_Falls]

Like needing to die but wanting to live.

 

[woxihuanni]

Like needing to die but wanting to live.

Just about sums it up.

 

[drake4871]

I think maybe changing the way I think about CTB, So, maybe I think "I am going to test my method (which I have set up well) and maybe it will work or maybe not. So I setup for success, but I interpret it as a test.

That's what I was thinking, if you go into it without genuinely thinking you're in danger it shouldn't kick in. But naturally that's genuinely easier said than done