Venting what does on one do when the things keeping them alive is going to die

[GoddessAmor]

I try my best to be helpful, I really do. But it always feels like whatever help I do give it just ends up ruining peoples lives.
I try my best to be a good friend, but I always make them hate me or I slowly push them away because I still feeling like I'm just a nuisance.
I'm just living for myself now and dissociating everyday.
It's the same routine. Wake up, check discord to talk to bf, get on FFXIV to do dailies, then everything else is a blur.
I understand my friends care about me when they keep reminding me to eat, but truthfully I'm trying to ctb slowly but surely everytime I abstain and I just can't keep my mouth shut.
Final Fantasy XIV is the only way I can feel at home anywhere, I've been locked in my room since May of last year because I can't stomach the thought of continuing to live.
My friend is the same, he's just as suicidal as me. I try to assist him but any encouragement I give I'm lying through my teeth.
The only reason I'm living is so I can dissociate on FFXIV and take care of my grandmother.
But my grandmother is close to her death, and even though I love FFXIV just the death of her is enough to break me. I would cease to have any real reasons to continue living on.
I should seriously consider CTB
I have no intention to really live besides.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think the reality is that nothing ever lasts in this life, everything only exists just to be taken away and eventually end, it's very much understandable wishing to leave when there is not much left for you in this world. There could never be anything that would make me wish to stay here personally, I'm only still trapped here as I haven't managed to free myself from this world yet unfortunately.

 

[SilentSadness]

Sounds like you have a close relationship with your grandmother, sadly relationships are unreliable and you have to move on when they end. Life is much like a play where tragedies happen only to torment the living. I also don't feel that there is any reason for me to continue living because I don't enjoy life and it provides a lot of suffering for everyone. Getting attached to life is bound to end in misery and it would be so much better if I died and never had to put up with it. But anyway, I hope that you find peace despite your unfortunate circumstances.

 

[DumbOnlineGirl]

I'd have zero will to live without my pet rats, so I understand where you're coming from. When they pass, I get more very quickly so that I don't spiral. Maybe finding something else to look after, or other people to rely on you (eg volunteer work) would help you find some purpose? Life really is all about change, and learning to cope with that is difficult, but very important.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I try my best to be helpful, I really do. But it always feels like whatever help I do give it just ends up ruining peoples lives.
I try my best to be a good friend, but I always make them hate me or I slowly push them away because I still feeling like I'm just a nuisance.
I'm just living for myself now and dissociating everyday.
It's the same routine. Wake up, check discord to talk to bf, get on FFXIV to do dailies, then everything else is a blur.
I understand my friends care about me when they keep reminding me to eat, but truthfully I'm trying to ctb slowly but surely everytime I abstain and I just can't keep my mouth shut.
Final Fantasy XIV is the only way I can feel at home anywhere, I've been locked in my room since May of last year because I can't stomach the thought of continuing to live.
My friend is the same, he's just as suicidal as me. I try to assist him but any encouragement I give I'm lying through my teeth.
The only reason I'm living is so I can dissociate on FFXIV and take care of my grandmother.
But my grandmother is close to her death, and even though I love FFXIV just the death of her is enough to break me. I would cease to have any real reasons to continue living on.
I should seriously consider CTB
I have no intention to really live besides.

This is so relatable.
I feel I do the same to everyone I love. I've caused so much misery and suffering to people I care about that I'm genuinely convinced I'm just a harbinger of evil. I don't mean to be... I love these people, I want them to be happy. But whenever I try to help them I just make everything worse.
I think I should just cut myself off from them all, but I just can't bring myself to do that again like I did to the last group of friends I had. I was more stable for the isolation, but so lonely and unhappy. I was convinced I'd ctb well before I was 20 for years. Things got better for a while, I learned what was wrong with me and I tried my best to handle it, and I made new friends and loved ones. And then I fucked it all up, a month after my 20th birthday. Ironic considering I shouldn't have been alive then if I had taken the effort to ctb before then.
I don't know why misfortune befalls everyone who comes to care for me, I don't know why I'm such a misery magnet and my help causes pain... I just wanted to make them happy...

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's horrible to try to be a good person and fail at it. The only way I've found to improve is to try and catch the bad behaviours you engage in and bad things you say before you do/say them, that's given me a bit of success, I can catch most bad shit before I do it nowadays, but it's far from perfect...
I wish I could be punished for everything I've caused... No amount of suffering is enough, the guilt will never leave me and it never should, I am an unforgivable parasite.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

This breaks my heart to hear about your grandma, I can tell from your post that you love and care about her so much. She is fortunate to have a compassionate grandchild like you looking after her.

Truthfully, I am in the exact same situation almost, so I have no advice to offer, only affirmations that you're not alone in what you're going through. My grandma is my last living family member that has contact with me, and she's reached the age where she could die any day now. Due to existing health problems, she has cautioned me for several years now to be ready "for when the time comes", but I can't ever prepare myself for that horrible day.

I have no parents, no aunts and uncles (dead), no cousins, and my grandfather is dead as well. My grandma is literally the only relative I have left who gives a damn about me. When she is gone, I will have no love from anyone on this earth and be all alone with 0 family connections, and that reality is extremely hard to swallow for me.

After witnessing my grandfather die, as well as my aunt and father dying, I cannot handle another deep loss. Almost everyday, I have PTSD episodes from watching my grandfather die slowly and I will panic and have nightmares about the same thing happening to my grandma. Life is so senselesly cruel, with no reason or rhyme to this cycle of entropy and decay.

I'm not sure if your grandma has any other relatives or friends she could put you in contact with, but being able to share fond memories with someone who was acquainted with the person you love can help somewhat with the grieving process. Having access to photos of my grandfather and hearing anecdotes from others about his life before he became ill and feeble helped somewhat with the grieving process.

I'm glad that you have FFXIV as an escape. I used to have a subscription for it but have not really gotten super into it because I never found a social group, and that's the bread and butter of making MMO gameplay worthwhile imo. I wish that life was kinder, and that there was better relief than fantasy for the deep pain that you and so many others are enduring.