Kobusu
Writer
- Oct 18, 2021
- 260
What does it mean to be enough for someone? To give enough? How much do we have to give exactly? I apologize for this rant, I just don't understand. I'm going to get personal so I understand if you don't read past this point.
You can give everything to someone and still not be enough. I met the woman I love when I was 17, and I was at a place where I had settled on killing myself the second I had become an adult. By chance, we stumbled into each other's lives and I was asked to stay. Like a fool, I agreed to, and over the next three years, I gave my everything to them. I gave them all of my person, all of my money and time and energy even while being in college and working. I gave them the last years of my youth, and foolishly I allowed myself to be tricked into believe that maybe, for once, I had found someone who had truly loved me. Who had seen something in me worth loving. I allowed this person to get me to feel safe. Even at the worst of times, I never expected how horribly this would all end. I never expected that I was there simply until "something better" came along. Someone else who would sit up long nights, helping them work through their disorders, their mental health issues, and their familial struggles. I gave my everything and my future and my eternity to someone, and I was given a receipt for three years.
It's funny how, when people speak of suicide, it's painted as a cry for attention, or and overdramatic response. However, the second you actually die, nobody seems to have seen it coming. What's the point of asking for "help" when help is ridiculously expensive and traumatic to go through? Why would anyone get help when it's objectively not worth it? When nobody cares about you, they care about how you make them feel?
What does it mean to be loved by someone, really? To be loved unconditionally by someone that's not mandated to love you unconditionally? To be cherished for no reason other than who you are? What do we have to do to be enough to receive the same love we give everyone around us?
You can give everything to someone and still not be enough. I met the woman I love when I was 17, and I was at a place where I had settled on killing myself the second I had become an adult. By chance, we stumbled into each other's lives and I was asked to stay. Like a fool, I agreed to, and over the next three years, I gave my everything to them. I gave them all of my person, all of my money and time and energy even while being in college and working. I gave them the last years of my youth, and foolishly I allowed myself to be tricked into believe that maybe, for once, I had found someone who had truly loved me. Who had seen something in me worth loving. I allowed this person to get me to feel safe. Even at the worst of times, I never expected how horribly this would all end. I never expected that I was there simply until "something better" came along. Someone else who would sit up long nights, helping them work through their disorders, their mental health issues, and their familial struggles. I gave my everything and my future and my eternity to someone, and I was given a receipt for three years.
It's funny how, when people speak of suicide, it's painted as a cry for attention, or and overdramatic response. However, the second you actually die, nobody seems to have seen it coming. What's the point of asking for "help" when help is ridiculously expensive and traumatic to go through? Why would anyone get help when it's objectively not worth it? When nobody cares about you, they care about how you make them feel?
What does it mean to be loved by someone, really? To be loved unconditionally by someone that's not mandated to love you unconditionally? To be cherished for no reason other than who you are? What do we have to do to be enough to receive the same love we give everyone around us?