what does it feel like having BPD?

[404]

i've been trying to find out what's wrong with me for a while and i think i sort of relate to the symptoms of BPD

it's probably a bad idea to self-diagnose but it's impossible for me to get diagnosed by a professional in my current situation

 

[sugarb]

i've been trying to find out what's wrong with me for a while and i think i sort of relate to the symptoms of BPD

it's probably a bad idea to self-diagnose but it's impossible for me to get diagnosed by a professional in my current situation

I'm self-diagnosed but as I have all/most of the typical symptoms and have several close blood relatives with it it's more or less a sure thing. I believe I may've had a diagnosis suggesting a possibility of it as a child, but don't remember. It's also a common comorbidity with other disorders I have.

I don't think it's intrinsically a bad idea to self-diagnose; maybe just try not to act like it's a rock-solid certainty.

Anywho, common BPD things:

- Having a "favorite person"- someone who's on your mind an abnormal amount (not like just loving someone- abnormal) that you cling to and/or obsess over.
- Mood swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Anger issues / Meltdowns
- Self-harm
- Unstable relationships
- Preemptively avoiding abandonment by cutting people off

 

[whywere]

I have massive depression and equally massive BPD.

My mood swings are stuff of legend, as I can be all over the place. I have always told my employer and co-workers, have no family nor friends, about my BPD, so they know that when I go from smiling to a full blowen meltdown that I cannot help it.

Also, the abandonment issues can be downright paralyzing. Especially being by myself and really takes on new meaning.

The fear of rejection plays right into the abandonment issues and can magnify everything into such a harsh light.

I am a firm believer that it can be inherited, as a lot of people on my "dads" side either had it when they were alive from what folks have told me about them or have it now.

Take good care of yourself and lots of caring thoughts and hugs to you my good friend.

Walter

I have been diagnosed by so many mental health folks about my BPD that whenever I go to a new provider, I tell them that I have it, to get it out of the way.

 

[Ash]

For me, it's not a "favourite person" so much as someone I can't help but put up in a pedestal and then either push it myself to see what happens when it wobbles or watch in dismay as it crashes to the ground anyway even if I try to keep it safe. (At the time I don't know that I'm doing it: as soon as I realise, I abandon ship and run like hell.)

I constantly second guess everyone, including myself, and then second guess the second guesses to the point that I can't make decisions and never know who or what to believe.

I get paranoid and go down rabbit holes trying to explain things away or look for proof.

I get stuck in black and white thinking patterns and t'was always thus; always thus shall it be.

I can chat to strangers or give a speech in front of hundreds of people but cannot socialise at a party or gathering with sort of friends or friends of friends.

I assume that everything that goes wrong in interpersonal relationships is my fault.

It's a long list but those are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

 

[mrnamoshi]

I'm diagnosed with BPD, and it's sucks. My mood really unstable and can go from wanna kms to enjoying life in hours.

Honestly i don't know how long i'll endure this torture, i've tried medication but it's not working.

I can't do my job anymore so i quit and my state go even worse after that.

 

[rozeske]

I'm also at a place where I can't get a proper diagnose so all I've got is speculation and self diagnose. Tbh, i never heard of the term BPD till I joined here but looking at others behaviors and doctor Google, it pretty much sums up me, but no way for me to know for sure of that or other number of messed up shit i may have. I used to just think it was my weird self.

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I was never diagnosed with BPD, but a therapist for dyspraxia and general conditions related to autism in children theorized I did have it, and suggested I look into it with a further therapist or professional (which I never did, as I'm personally not too sure if I have it or not, it also seems BPD carries a pretty big stigma sadly).

I don't have every symptom, however I do have perception issues. I often question if what people say about me is true. I also question if they ever say anything that's intending to hurt me, although in recent years I'd say I've gained better at that. On mood swings, I've always had those, I find one small thing can often ruin a brilliant day.

I have always had issues with all kinds of relationships though, be they platonic or romantic. I remember as a child I was always paranoid my parents would die somehow, and I remember once having a huge fight with my sister as she thought it'd be hilarious to joke that my parents _had_ died (I was around 6 at the time and she was in her 20s, needless to say I am delighted she is no longer in my life). If my mom or dad ever came home slightly late I'd flip out.

I remember in school if certain friends didn't attend school the days would be awful and lonely. I'd usually have just one or two friends and never deviate from them. As I grew older I had to deal with many cases of unrequited love. And of course, it all connected into my autism, social anxiety and maladaptive daydreaming.

It was at it's worst in my mid teens. I had a few crushes which were awful, before finally a disastrous several year LDR. Before going into a slightly better, but still exhausting one a few years later. Both times the relationships failed due to me, although with the second one, we thankfully managed to end it on a nice note, and slowly phase it out which hurt neither of us, and we've since became good friends again. I do still value them a lot, but they're no longer my "world", and I don't have an almost fanatical desire to "serve" them.

BPD from my experience was mainly loving someone so intensely it just drives you insane and you can't focus on anything else. You get a single track mind. You don't even eat or bathe, as you space out so much your mind just goes on endlessly, and hours disappear out of days. I'm glad as I've grown older I've gotten much better at dealing with this. If I do have BPD, I feel I have at least managed to conquer it to some degree.

 

[thebelljarrr]

I'm self-diagnosed but as I have all/most of the typical symptoms and have several close blood relatives with it it's more or less a sure thing. I believe I may've had a diagnosis suggesting a possibility of it as a child, but don't remember. It's also a common comorbidity with other disorders I have.

I don't think it's intrinsically a bad idea to self-diagnose; maybe just try not to act like it's a rock-solid certainty.

Anywho, common BPD things:

- Having a "favorite person"- someone who's on your mind an abnormal amount (not like just loving someone- abnormal) that you cling to and/or obsess over.
- Mood swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Anger issues / Meltdowns
- Self-harm
- Unstable relationships
- Preemptively avoiding abandonment by cutting people off

Wtf, I relate to these a lot The first one made me think I was turning crazy or something. It got very annoying it's utterly out of control. I prefer being by myself & don't (can't?) interact, communicate or befriend or or…. The result is always hell.

 

[sugarb]

Wtf, I relate to these a lot The first one made me think I was turning crazy or something. It got very annoying it's utterly out of control. I prefer being by myself & don't (can't?) interact, communicate or befriend or or…. The result is always hell.

Same.

My most recent favorite person was a friend I made and kept for about four months. Looking back on it, I was incredibly pathetic and awkward. Not surprising at all they eventually ditched. Great teaching experience, though- I don't do much in the way of caring about how relationships go nowadays. Not being attached keeps me calm and (as you said) avoids the bad results.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

i've been trying to find out what's wrong with me for a while and i think i sort of relate to the symptoms of BPD

it's probably a bad idea to self-diagnose but it's impossible for me to get diagnosed by a professional in my current situation

If you suspect BPD do some research on complex-PTSD of CPTSD too especially if you have a trauma background. The two have a lot of overlapping characteristics.

 

[404]

- Having a "favorite person"- someone who's on your mind an abnormal amount (not like just loving someone- abnormal) that you cling to and/or obsess over.
- Mood swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Anger issues / Meltdowns
- Self-harm
- Unstable relationships
- Preemptively avoiding abandonment by cutting people off

a few years ago i used to have a special friend that i would obsess over everyday. i remember i had to plan out my conversations with them if im gonna message them and what gifts to give them. i don't think im that obsessed anymore or maybe it's just because i haven't seen them in a while and my obsessive thoughts will come back soon.

maybe my mood swings are intense i can't really say for sure since i kinda just accepted it

i guess my coping mechanism for my fear of being left alone and being rejected by people is that happiness always comes with a price (that price being those two fears) which kinda works? but i feel sort of "numb" though

looking back i also lost a lot of good friends and i want to ctb for wasting my chances with them


other people's experience feels way worse than mine. i'm scared that i'm just faking this... but if i actually get professional help one day at least i won't go insane for being the only person that feels like this.

thanks

 

[Edpal247]

It's hell. Mood swings, fleeting ideas, anxiety after times of calm.

 

[whywere]

It's hell. Mood swings, fleeting ideas, anxiety after times of calm.

I so 100% agree. You took the words right out of my mouth.

You are such a thoughtful and kind person, thank you for being so.

Walter

 

[sugarb]

a few years ago i used to have a special friend that i would obsess over everyday. i remember i had to plan out my conversations with them if im gonna message them and what gifts to give them. i don't think im that obsessed anymore or maybe it's just because i haven't seen them in a while and my obsessive thoughts will come back soon.

maybe my mood swings are intense i can't really say for sure since i kinda just accepted it

i guess my coping mechanism for my fear of being left alone and being rejected by people is that happiness always comes with a price (that price being those two fears) which kinda works? but i feel sort of "numb" though

looking back i also lost a lot of good friends and i want to ctb for wasting my chances with them


other people's experience feels way worse than mine. i'm scared that i'm just faking this... but if i actually get professional help one day at least i won't go insane for being the only person that feels like this.

thanks

Mine consists of isolating myself and disassociating so I don't care if people leave. Makes me a lot more chill, alleviated my symptoms significantly.

You don't have to justify or explain your motivation for CTB to anyone but yourself. If you're not knowingly using your suicidality for personal gain, I doubt you're just "faking" it. I don't think anybody wants to feel like this.

No problem. Wish you luck

P.S: Remember to be careful around professionals

 

[Endless_suffering]

According to my therapist I have severe BPD. However I have never had a favorite person. I have rapid mood swings tho. But I mostly go between depressed and angry. I have a fear of rejection and abandonment, stemming more from my childhood abuse than anything else. Meltdowns are a premium for me. When I melt down I cut, burn and especially bang my head against shit. All my relationships are unstable, even my marriage. And as for preemptively avoiding abandonment by cutting people off? Yep. Big thing for me. But the favorite person thing? Never cared enough.

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

I was first diagnosed with "Cluster B traits" at around 15/16 years old. As an adult (I'm 25 now and I think I've only gotten worse tbh), I would later go on to be fully diagnosed with BPD w/ NPD traits, as well as ADHD—so I don't really have the "classical" or pure form of BPD. I was involuntarily hospitalized in a psych ward on 4 (technically 5) separate occasions, all before my 18th birthday.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm literally incapable of maintaining any kind of relationship: romantic, platonic, friendship, family, professional, or even online. I've walked out of and have been fired from countless jobs for various reason. My temperament is way too volatile; I rapidly oscillate from getting extremely close to others, only to then quickly push them away or sabotage the relationship. I've been called "toxic" and "manipulative" numerous times due to me apparently weaponizing my own suicidal behavior & tendencies towards the people I care(d) about. People tell me I come off as stuck-up and arrogant—but my aloof demeanor is only an impeccably well-crafted suit of armor designed to conceal my vulnerabilities.

I truly do wish that I was either a pure narcissist or pure borderliner. But instead I'm stuck with these two warring sides that are constantly contending with one another: the cruel callous unempathetic hyper-logical conceited egomaniac who think's he's God's gift to Earth, contrasted by the neurotic emotionally unstable suicidal headcase who desperately desires to be loved and only wants to forge genuine meaningful connections. Despite all your pain and suffering, no one feels bad for you because the trail of destruction you've left in your wake has drained every last ounce of their sympathy. You're 100% on your own and literally no one gives a single fuck.

 

[archiveofpain]

I didn't have and currently don't have any diagnoses beyond MDD and GAD because the therapists I have gone to don't really like "labels" but I suspect I either have BPD or CPTSD due to the comorbidity because I conveniently relate to if not all, very specific traits of BPD with the fear of abandonment and the white and black thinking being the core of it all. I think that beyond what people have already mentioned one of the most excruciating things that also line up with BPD traits would be the lack of 'object permanence'.

For me, this means that when I feel happy, I feel beyond happy and nothing is wrong and nothing could be wrong. It's the only emotion that exists but when on the contrary, when I am sad everything is so bad and terrible and cannot get better. It's all there is, this also extends to all my relationships: no matter how much they do, give and show, in the moment they are busy, don't text a lot, it feels like as if they had never been there. If they aren't in constant contact, within close range, or reassuring you regularly that they care, I assume they don't and end up thinking negatively about them or 'splitting' which is really exhausting

 

[elvvsie]

I could be ready to cbt and then a couple hours later, I'm on top of the world. Abandonment issues are hell. I just go into fits of rage with hardly any recollection of it for no good reason. If my mam goes to work after an tiny argument, I'm convinced she's never coming back or going to kick me out. When I feel okay, I'm convinced I don't need my meds and that backfires quickly. I get too attached to 'friends' and most of the time they'd consider me maybe a bit more than an acquaintance. I can't think of much else off the top of my head but it's truly debilitating

 

[agony1996]

I

I'm self-diagnosed but as I have all/most of the typical symptoms and have several close blood relatives with it it's more or less a sure thing. I believe I may've had a diagnosis suggesting a possibility of it as a child, but don't remember. It's also a common comorbidity with other disorders I have.

I don't think it's intrinsically a bad idea to self-diagnose; maybe just try not to act like it's a rock-solid certainty.

Anywho, common BPD things:

- Having a "favorite person"- someone who's on your mind an abnormal amount (not like just loving someone- abnormal) that you cling to and/or obsess over.
- Mood swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Anger issues / Meltdowns
- Self-harm
- Unstable relationships
- Preemptively avoiding abandonment by cutting people off

get you 100% sorry but it's horrible to have BPD.,all of your relationships are like life or death, if they leave you or display the slightest sign in hat they may not really been interested anymore, you just want to di, you become so obsessive and possessive to the psoint that I got unproportional angry, even if they have coffee or go out just with friends, of course I do my best to hide the insane jealousy to not come off as a nut but it always pops up. And when they leave me it's the end of the world you just want to die.
I've been isolated for over 6 months now for precisely that reason, I hate myself, how I look and everything else do they only way to avoid being looked at and havening people be disgusted my me and thinking how ugly and stupid I am, I just avoid that completely by never leaving the house, rejection is my biggest fear.
I wish I could give you words of wisdom but all I can say is that I relate and you're not alone.

 

[agony1996]

Yo

I have massive depression and equally massive BPD.

My mood swings are stuff of legend, as I can be all over the place. I have always told my employer and co-workers, have no family nor friends, about my BPD, so they know that when I go from smiling to a full blowen meltdown that I cannot help it.

Also, the abandonment issues can be downright paralyzing. Especially being by myself and really takes on new meaning.

The fear of rejection plays right into the abandonment issues and can magnify everything into such a harsh light.

I am a firm believer that it can be inherited, as a lot of people on my "dads" side either had it when they were alive from what folks have told me about them or have it now.

Take good care of yourself and lots of caring thoughts and hugs to you my good friend.

Walter

I have been diagnosed by so many mental health folks about my BPD that whenever I go to a new provider, I tell them that I have it, to get it out of the way.

Absndonment issues can be paralyzing, that's absolutely true…All my best