monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 54
It hurts to be alone, but I don't exactly have control over it. I used to be around my friends more often, but then all our schedules changed. I started resenting them later on when I became more depressed and suicidal, but I haven't ghosted them yet because if I left them I'd have no one. My sister's always been more social than me. She always seems to make things work, since people always seem to want to talk to her. I'm too blunt and that makes me come off as aggressive, even though I'm a nice person. I just have a hard time changing the way I act around people, instead of being able to switch the way my sister does. My best friend is good at changing the way he acts too, but he can't explain how he does it so he can't really help me. It's made it hard to get a job because I seem too abrasive and nervous at the same time. Being born a girl doesn't really help me make friends. Guys don't really feel any want to talk to me besides quick sex and girls seem too close with other people to want to talk to me. I don't like being trans because it makes things harder than it has to be. If I was normal from the start, I could probably be like my sister and have people want to chat with me and be my friend. I always seem to cut ties with most people I know because I start resenting them.
I feel like I've always done this to myself. It's kind of my fault that I'm lonely since I can't get along with most people. I remember calling the suicide hotline one day and telling a lady on the phone that I felt bad that I was alone, then told her I was going to see Mickey 17 in an hour when she asked me what I was doing after the call. She said, "Oh, are you going with someone?". I laughed a little and said "No. I couldn't find anyone that wanted to go with me". She probably felt bad and then said, "Oh!! That's fine, too! You can watch movies alone!". People always say they're introverted, but I doubt they're like me at all. They still manage to find people that want to spend time with them. Watching movies and Youtube videos is the only thing that makes me feel less lonely. I think back to the people I cut ties with pretty often. I still miss them, deep down, but there was always a reason that I had to cut ties with them. It's usually because they couldn't be there for me and I felt guilty for talking to them, because I felt like I needed to be someone worth their time. People always say I'm a nice person, but I spiral too much and don't do anything about it. I think it hurts the most when people say nice things about me when they never have time to talk to me anymore. I wish I could hear from them again, but I would never get a response back. It makes me feel so pathetic when I miss people I was never that close with to begin with. I can't make friends on dating apps because I get too anxious from the idea of ghosting or being too talky when people just want someone chill and not annoying. I wish I was someone people wanted. I'm too average.
I feel like I've always done this to myself. It's kind of my fault that I'm lonely since I can't get along with most people. I remember calling the suicide hotline one day and telling a lady on the phone that I felt bad that I was alone, then told her I was going to see Mickey 17 in an hour when she asked me what I was doing after the call. She said, "Oh, are you going with someone?". I laughed a little and said "No. I couldn't find anyone that wanted to go with me". She probably felt bad and then said, "Oh!! That's fine, too! You can watch movies alone!". People always say they're introverted, but I doubt they're like me at all. They still manage to find people that want to spend time with them. Watching movies and Youtube videos is the only thing that makes me feel less lonely. I think back to the people I cut ties with pretty often. I still miss them, deep down, but there was always a reason that I had to cut ties with them. It's usually because they couldn't be there for me and I felt guilty for talking to them, because I felt like I needed to be someone worth their time. People always say I'm a nice person, but I spiral too much and don't do anything about it. I think it hurts the most when people say nice things about me when they never have time to talk to me anymore. I wish I could hear from them again, but I would never get a response back. It makes me feel so pathetic when I miss people I was never that close with to begin with. I can't make friends on dating apps because I get too anxious from the idea of ghosting or being too talky when people just want someone chill and not annoying. I wish I was someone people wanted. I'm too average.
We chat in DMs, but I strongly relate to what you mentioned on how men are interested for the wrong reasons while women seem uninterested in pursuing friendships.
