Venting What did we do to deserve the curse of loneliness?

[lollipoppi]

The pain is unbearable. To some of us a new year does not mean new possibilities and change, our condition stays the same and it kills us with its suffocating shape.
I feel like crying everyday, sometimes I do but other days I feel so empty tears won't even come out.
Trauma from my past and my present haunt my eyes when I'm awake and in my dreams. It has completely destroyed my soul.
Where do I find the strength to go on?
I often wonder who I would be without this huge weight that entirely changed me from my core. I get lost in my thoughts because I have no one to share with it (I'm so grateful for this space). No friends: after school they all left and started their own lives. No family: awful relationship with my parents, my siblings are too young to understand. No partner: no one has ever loved me. It's like I'm repulsive to people.
Humans are supposed to be social animals and as much as I enjoy alone time I should be able to choose but reality forces me to be alone with my thoughts all the time, it's exhausting. I crave real human connection, I am surrounded by people that have that but I'm destined to never experience it myself. I even got over my fear of rejection and tried to befriend my neighbour who seems to be around my age and he just shut the door in my face. Clearly people sense that something is wrong in me and I'm afraid it can't be fixed. I know I need to just accept that I was meant to live like this but it's oh so hard.
When I have this thoughts I feel ungrateful towards my beautiful cat who's singlehandedly keeping me alive, he's an actual angel and I literally owe him my life. I am very grateful to have him with me, maybe asking for human warmth is too greedy of me?
To anyone out there that can relate I send a billion hugs, you are worthy of love and light in your life and I hope you find that very soon

 

[catsalvation]

I feel the same way, this is no way to live. But I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I crave human connections, but was also hurt so many times that I have a very low tolerance for BS. Also my life circumstances never allowed me to build and maintain long lasting close relationships... So my abilities are lacking.

 

[tonicer]

I am in a similar position except my mother is still around and we have a really good relationship. She even says i am a handsome guy but no girl and later woman ever said that about me. Now i am a 42 year old virgin and i will very likely remain one until the day i die.

Recently i started watching all kinds of romantic anime to get a glimpse of what love could be like.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I tend to think it's because humans are complex. You've got to maybe either meet lots and lots of people or, be extremely lucky to find someone you really click with.

Not meaning to be unkind but, the chances of moving next door to a soul mate I think are quite remote. That's not to excuse people for not at least being courteous though.

The times it's happened for me were while pursuing a shared mutual interest. For me- that was/ is being creative. My closest friendships tend to be with people who essentially worry about the same things and are passionate about the same things. It just looks weird to other people!

However, sadly- social anxiety, shyness, vulnerability to rejection and criticism and I suppose even the deep need for others I think is a kind of curse.

I suppose it's whether that need is strong enough to start working on those other anxieties. Have you tried to get therapy or taken courses to specifically address things like social anxiety? I think I should have done more to tackle those things in my life.

Truthfully, I am alone but, not lonely. Matters have shifted more in the opposite direction for me. I've had enough disappointing experiences for me to doubt friendship now.

I'd struggle to have no social interaction at all but I suppose I've figured out that close friendships are too tumultuous. That becoming I suppose codependent I suppose on others- which I think I tend to be emotionally sometimes, is such a risk. One I finally worked out was unnecessary because- given fewer options, I could work out a lot of stuff on my own.

I suppose for me, it was ultimately a decision though. Could I face feeling socially anxious, inviting in the possibility of rejection in order to (possibly) make myself happier being social? For me- the 'prize' didn't look certain for one and, didn't look worth the risk or effort. But again- I'm more lucky in that I enjoy being alone most of the time.

But, I think it's a choice as well as being a curse. Those who are lonely could choose to do things that brought them into contact with more people. It is kind of self imposed to just stay in doors. It does however mean that if you make the choice to try and be around others- you'll be facing fears you are (understandably) hiding from I imagine.

I suppose it's a bit like a terminal diagnosis though. How many things should a person try before they are sure they are unlikeable/ unlovable? That all 8 billion people on the planet would dislike them?

I think part of it is being honest with ourselves. I feel like being a freelance worker is difficult but, that's partly because I'm so lazy about it! I've known colleagues apply to companies literally every evening. I'm not doing that. Same goes with meeting people I would say. How many clubs have we tried? How often do we simply go out to be around people? I think when we struggle, we tend to hide away- which only intensifies the anxiety and paranoia.

I think it's a situation likely caused by multiple afflictions- definitely. But, I suspect we make choices- even daily that either move us more towards tacking our anxieties or, hiding behind them. Speaking as a person who's regularly hidden behind theirs!

That's not to say you haven't made efforts. I don't know. Maybe you live somewhere particularly unfriendly! You mention the people around you that have social connections. How did they meet/ form them?

 

[Spite]

I relate all too much. It's not fair. I think trauma from my childhood/past largely contributes to my loneliness and you're right - it does feel like a massive, unwanted weight you have to carry around with you.

I think going through life alone, without a partner, without friends, without family, or any combination of those three, is one of the most painful, most soul-crushing things you can ever experience. It's unnatural. My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from extreme loneliness. :"(

Thank you for the billion hugs. I'll take those. I'm very lonely too. In my case specifically, I have no IRL friends.

 

[unluckysadness]

I am in a similar position except my mother is still around and we have a really good relationship. She even says i am a handsome guy but no girl and later woman ever said that about me. Now i am a 42 year old virgin and i will very likely remain one until the day i die.

Recently i started watching all kinds of romantic anime to get a glimpse of what love could be like.

I feel you because I'm 43 and still virgin too. I'll die like this but it gives me comfort to know I'm not alone. In real life, impossible for me to talk about it, even to my psychologist. I like love songs but I'll never know what love is. So sad but true.

The pain is unbearable. To some of us a new year does not mean new possibilities and change, our condition stays the same and it kills us with its suffocating shape.
I feel like crying everyday, sometimes I do but other days I feel so empty tears won't even come out.
Trauma from my past and my present haunt my eyes when I'm awake and in my dreams. It has completely destroyed my soul.
Where do I find the strength to go on?
I often wonder who I would be without this huge weight that entirely changed me from my core. I get lost in my thoughts because I have no one to share with it (I'm so grateful for this space). No friends: after school they all left and started their own lives. No family: awful relationship with my parents, my siblings are too young to understand. No partner: no one has ever loved me. It's like I'm repulsive to people.
Humans are supposed to be social animals and as much as I enjoy alone time I should be able to choose but reality forces me to be alone with my thoughts all the time, it's exhausting. I crave real human connection, I am surrounded by people that have that but I'm destined to never experience it myself. I even got over my fear of rejection and tried to befriend my neighbour who seems to be around my age and he just shut the door in my face. Clearly people sense that something is wrong in me and I'm afraid it can't be fixed. I know I need to just accept that I was meant to live like this but it's oh so hard.
When I have this thoughts I feel ungrateful towards my beautiful cat who's singlehandedly keeping me alive, he's an actual angel and I literally owe him my life. I am very grateful to have him with me, maybe asking for human warmth is too greedy of me?
To anyone out there that can relate I send a billion hugs, you are worthy of love and light in your life and I hope you find that very soon

I feel you. No friends, no partner. Social isolation. Not really because I don't like people but I'm too weird for this planet (or maybe the opposite...)
Thanks for your hugs I think we really need it, especially in this cold winter time (it's snowing outside right now where I live but it's cold and it's not good at all for my physical health issues). I wish you the best and I send you virtual hugs too

 

[tonicer]

I feel you because I'm 43 and still virgin too. I'll die like this but it gives me comfort to know I'm not alone. In real life, impossible for me to talk about it, even to my psychologist. I like love songs but I'll never know what love is. So sad but true.

I can only recommend romantic movies or series or if you like it anime. I loved "Kimi ni Todoke: From Me to You" because it's a slow burn kind of show that takes it's time for the main characters to hold hands and in the end finally even kiss. I absorbed all three seasons and hope there is a fourth one someday. I almost grew attached to the characters in it.

 

[unluckysadness]

I can only recommend romantic movies or series or if you like it anime. I loved "Kimi ni Todoke: From Me to You" because it's a slow burn kind of show that takes it's time for the main characters to hold hands and in the end finally even kiss. I absorbed all three seasons and hope there is a fourth one someday. I almost grew attached to the characters in it.

Thanks for the tip You may have Aspergers too lol. I'm neurodivergent but if I knew it earlier, my life could have been different, but I believe in destiny, so I have to accept it. At least I understand now why I'm so weird...

 

[DeusVult]

Samesies :( my life feels completely ruined by total loneliness. Last time I had friends was in elementary school, even then they weren't that strong and I was getting bullied a lot.

In recent years and days I've been suicidal, had total mental breakdowns, arguable went completely insane from loneliness. But I managed to find enjoyment in a solitary and quiet life, it is still a life worth living, if you just find joy elsewhere, preferably in life itself, in being able to experience the world. Read books, or even better write one yourself. Even if just to pass the time, it helps.

 

[lollipoppi]

I am in a similar position except my mother is still around and we have a really good relationship. She even says i am a handsome guy but no girl and later woman ever said that about me. Now i am a 42 year old virgin and i will very likely remain one until the day i die.

Recently i started watching all kinds of romantic anime to get a glimpse of what love could be like.

I relate on this and in my opinion I think it's best to respect ourselves and love ourselves at our best instead of giving away our body to people that won't appreciate us. Sometimes when I feel down I think if I should lower my standards so that maybe I can lose my virginity but in the end I feel like it's not us that must change. Sex can be great but it's not the answer or a solution.

I used to hate romcoms and stuff like that because I thought it was stupid but deep down I knew it was envy. I've never had that and I never will but I started watching some and even if it hurts sometimes I begin to enjoy them.

 

[tonicer]

I relate on this and in my opinion I think it's best to respect ourselves and love ourselves at our best instead of giving away our body to people that won't appreciate us. Sometimes when I feel down I think if I should lower my standards so that maybe I can lose my virginity but in the end I feel like it's not us that must change. Sex can be great but it's not the answer or a solution.

I used to hate romcoms and stuff like that because I thought it was stupid but deep down I knew it was envy. I've never had that and I never will but I started watching some and even if it hurts sometimes I begin to enjoy them.

I too feel pain from romcoms sometimes but also happiness when i imagine myself in that situation plus it gives me beautiful dreams instead of the endless nightmares.

Thanks for the tip You may have Aspergers too lol. I'm neurodivergent but if I knew it earlier, my life could have been different, but I believe in destiny, so I have to accept it. At least I understand now why I'm so weird...

A couple of years ago i thought the same. I am a weirdo and think completely outside the box which creeps most people out i guess but one day i will find someone who is just as weird as i am.

 

[lollipoppi]

I tend to think it's because humans are complex. You've got to maybe either meet lots and lots of people or, be extremely lucky to find someone you really click with.

Not meaning to be unkind but, the chances of moving next door to a soul mate I think are quite remote. That's not to excuse people for not at least being courteous though.

The times it's happened for me were while pursuing a shared mutual interest. For me- that was/ is being creative. My closest friendships tend to be with people who essentially worry about the same things and are passionate about the same things. It just looks weird to other people!

However, sadly- social anxiety, shyness, vulnerability to rejection and criticism and I suppose even the deep need for others I think is a kind of curse.

I suppose it's whether that need is strong enough to start working on those other anxieties. Have you tried to get therapy or taken courses to specifically address things like social anxiety? I think I should have done more to tackle those things in my life.

Truthfully, I am alone but, not lonely. Matters have shifted more in the opposite direction for me. I've had enough disappointing experiences for me to doubt friendship now.

I'd struggle to have no social interaction at all but I suppose I've figured out that close friendships are too tumultuous. That becoming I suppose codependent I suppose on others- which I think I tend to be emotionally sometimes, is such a risk. One I finally worked out was unnecessary because- given fewer options, I could work out a lot of stuff on my own.

I suppose for me, it was ultimately a decision though. Could I face feeling socially anxious, inviting in the possibility of rejection in order to (possibly) make myself happier being social? For me- the 'prize' didn't look certain for one and, didn't look worth the risk or effort. But again- I'm more lucky in that I enjoy being alone most of the time.

But, I think it's a choice as well as being a curse. Those who are lonely could choose to do things that brought them into contact with more people. It is kind of self imposed to just stay in doors. It does however mean that if you make the choice to try and be around others- you'll be facing fears you are (understandably) hiding from I imagine.

I suppose it's a bit like a terminal diagnosis though. How many things should a person try before they are sure they are unlikeable/ unlovable? That all 8 billion people on the planet would dislike them?

I think part of it is being honest with ourselves. I feel like being a freelance worker is difficult but, that's partly because I'm so lazy about it! I've known colleagues apply to companies literally every evening. I'm not doing that. Same goes with meeting people I would say. How many clubs have we tried? How often do we simply go out to be around people? I think when we struggle, we tend to hide away- which only intensifies the anxiety and paranoia.

I think it's a situation likely caused by multiple afflictions- definitely. But, I suspect we make choices- even daily that either move us more towards tacking our anxieties or, hiding behind them. Speaking as a person who's regularly hidden behind theirs!

That's not to say you haven't made efforts. I don't know. Maybe you live somewhere particularly unfriendly! You mention the people around you that have social connections. How did they meet/ form them?

It's been quite hard for me meeting people because in the past I preferred to stay home and "friends" wouldn't invite me while right now I'm a full-time caregiver so I must stay inside the house almost all the time and it doesn't help that I live in a very small town, that's why I tried with what I could find around me (my neighbour). You're right about not finding your soulmate right next to you but as you said I expected at least some human decency, just someone to talk to sometimes.

Last time I truly bonded with someone it was with schoolmates and flatmates but they all leave far away from me and texting occasionally is just not enough.

I always think about going to therapy but I'm not financially dependent and we already have too much expenses at home, for now it's not an option. Maybe one day hopefully. I try journaling but it's not much

I'm at a point in life where I have no dignity at all and if someone was to offer me some kind of friendship I would accept it with all the risks that might follow, it's very sad.

You are right when you say that we should keep trying before stating that I'm unlikable, I'm just tired, it's been constant rejection for 28 years. How can you erase that?

People around me meaning family or former classmates have connections thanks to school and family but it doesn't apply to me because I never fit in around here. I think it would help me greatly if I could move far away but I can't right now.

Thank you so much for this long reply.

 

[ForeverSubhuman]

you're worthy of love too

I feel the same way, this is no way to live. But I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I crave human connections, but was also hurt so many times that I have a very low tolerance for BS. Also my life circumstances never allowed me to build and maintain long lasting close relationships... So my abilities are lacking.

Same here.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

The experience with your neighbor sounds upsetting. You are brave for making that attempt. It can't ever feel good to have a door closed in your face, especially when you're trying to be vulnerable and authentic. People these days are very standoffish and tend to push away anyone they don't already know. Being a neighbor means almost nothing any more, at least where I live. And some people just aren't interested in new friendships at all for a variety of reasons, so will reject literally anyone. Still doesn't feel good though.

I empathize with a lot of your feelings. I wish everyone had the human connections they desired. It's a cruel reality that so many don't. I feel very lucky that I'm at least on good terms with family; although I still feel lonely all the time for lack of a "complete" social life outside of them. Or even half of a complete one. Or a quarter.

I am very close with my cat as well <3 They are wonderful creatures. Mine is laying on my lap half-asleep and purring right now. I don't think it's greedy at all to want more than just a cat either, despite being wonderful in themselves.

 

[Dejected 55]

I've pretty much given up on all the things. Rejection is one thing, but always being rejected is another. Rejection is one thing, but being ignored is another. People can be very cruel, especially when the situation doesn't call for it.

 

[lollipoppi]

The experience with your neighbor sounds upsetting. You are brave for making that attempt. It can't ever feel good to have a door closed in your face, especially when you're trying to be vulnerable and authentic. People these days are very standoffish and tend to push away anyone they don't already know. Being a neighbor means almost nothing any more, at least where I live. And some people just aren't interested in new friendships at all for a variety of reasons, so will reject literally anyone. Still doesn't feel good though.

I empathize with a lot of your feelings. I wish everyone had the human connections they desired. It's a cruel reality that so many don't. I feel very lucky that I'm at least on good terms with family; although I still feel lonely all the time for lack of a "complete" social life outside of them. Or even half of a complete one. Or a quarter.

I am very close with my cat as well <3 They are wonderful creatures. Mine is laying on my lap half-asleep and purring right now. I don't think it's greedy at all to want more than just a cat either, despite being wonderful in themselves.

I guess you're right. This would also mean there's no point in attempting since nobody is available to a new connection which is so depressing. I know for sure I won't be trying anytime soon. Thank you for your kind words, I just wish everyone would be this nice.

I've pretty much given up on all the things. Rejection is one thing, but always being rejected is another. Rejection is one thing, but being ignored is another. People can be very cruel, especially when the situation doesn't call for it.

Exactly this. I thought I would get used to it but it hurts every single time.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I guess you're right. This would also mean there's no point in attempting since nobody is available to a new connection which is so depressing. I know for sure I won't be trying anytime soon. Thank you for your kind words, I just wish everyone would be this nice.

Exactly this. I thought I would get used to it but it hurts every single time.

Of course. I wish people were more nice too. It might still be worth trying for friends depending on the circumstances btw, I didn't mean to completely discourage you from that. Just that it's very likely people who aren't friendly are that way for their own reasons rather than you being unlovable. I try to keep that in mind so I don't feel as much shame when things don't go well, because it's true. Thankfully I believe there will always be at least some people who want new friends, because of how important that is for most humans. Wishing you luck.