What can I do to protest against living or to "spite" life?

[ChildrensITV]

I've been looking for fulltime work for years. I am volunteering part-time to have something on my CV. I tried to go into a different sector but still somewhat related to my degree. I wasn't into it at first but it began to feel like this was my next step. Then today, I got an email that after this 2nd stage, I didn't make it to the 3rd.

I can't work. I can't date like most men these days. I can't have hair. I can't do anything on this fucking planet except wake up every day.

Nothing works. All I can do to change my situation is ration myself food. I love food. But eating prolongs my suffering. I am keeping myself here with every bite. I get why anorexic girls do it: to feel control. Cuz I can't control anything else on this piece of fucking shit planet. I feel like rationing food to myself is a protest. I wish I could protest by not eating at all but that never works.

Is there anything I can do to "spite" life? If I had the money, I would go skydiving often, seen as I can't seem to die. There are people with fulfilling lives, who are loved and needed - they die every day. Yet people like me who are just a walking shitstain won't die young. We're "lifers". I don't want to do anything risky that would end in me becoming paralysed and having an even shittier life. I keep thinking of the Spanish guy here who lept from a height, landed, fucked up his leg and lost the leg. So his life is worse now.

I'm not even asking for a good life. I just want what everyone around me has or if not that, then can't I just die in my sleep? Why do I have to live so long when it's obviously not worth it. I think I cheated death at some point in my life. I wasn't supposed to live this long. That's why nothing works for me. Cuz I fucked the law of physics up by surviving.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Depends what you want to 'rebel' against. In a way, you're already rebelling against societal and biological expectations of you- not working full time (even though you're trying.) Not dating (even though you want to.) Will rebelling actually make you happy?

A hunger strike will make a statement of sorts I suppose but eventually, I imagine they'll chuck you in a psyche ward and force feed you.

Maybe that's the 'problem' with all forms of extreme protest- people think the people doing them are crazy. It's easier to just dismiss 'crazy' people.

I suppose I see my potential suicide as a protest against life but again, I doubt it will be interpreted as such- if I even have the guts to do it.

 

[ChildrensITV]

Depends what you want to 'rebel' against. In a way, you're already rebelling against societal and biological expectations of you- not working full time (even though you're trying.) Not dating (even though you want to.) Will rebelling actually make you happy?

I'm not rebelling against working. I'm unable to find fulltime work. I'm not rebelling against dating. I'm not goodlooking enough to get a woman to say yes.

My life is just misery and needs to end. It's like I'm forced to drink my SN. I didn't really want to but there is no other choice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not rebelling against working. I'm unable to find fulltime work. I'm not rebelling against dating. I'm not goodlooking enough to get a woman to say yes.

My life is just misery and needs to end. It's like I'm forced to drink my SN. I didn't really want to but there is no other choice.

I guess the 'rebelling' bit would be to start enjoying those things/ feeling relieved about them. But, I can understand why you feel you can't. We want what we want.

Personally, I 'rebelled' against the regular 9-5. I'm freelance. To some extent, being single went from feeling sad and bitter to feeling relieved. I look at how many people are in abusive relationships for example.

That's not trying to convince you you need, should or can feel the same. It's just suggesting how the idea of rebelling can empower us.

I suppose I feel like while there's still things people want and, they still have the energy to pursue them- it's still worth trying. Not to say they'll get them of course but then, we can all judge for ourselves the probability of success vs. effort required.

I hope you are rewarded with something more positive soon though.

 

[ankawannadie]

Honestly, I tried to enjoy life but it seems that life doesn't want to me. So in order to "spite" life, I'm probably going to CTB since I had enough of this bullshit.