Story What brought me here...

[Farmmaa]

Since my time is almost up, I suppose it's time to actually tell my story.

I feel almost guilty about being in this position when I see how much worse off so many people are. From the outside, I have what appears to be a pretty damn good life.
I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life - two ugly divorces, abusive relationships, cheating partners, single motherhood .. but I've always fought through.
I have four grown children who are amazing people. Three beautiful grandkids. I have a job that I absolutely love. I am hard working, talented, intelligent, caring , artistic. Love nature nd hiking, love animals - used to run a equine rescue, foster dogs.
So... WTF, right ? Shut up and enjoy your life already.

That's the side of my life that the world sees, and it appears to be pretty frecking good over all. And, over all, it really is.
But, then there is the black cloud that follows me.
The universe just keeps throwing shitballs at me, over and over and over again.

I had emergency surgery exactly 9 years ago because my spinal cord was being severely compressed. It was causing my hands and feet to go numb, sending shock waves of pain down my spine, severe neck pain and what they call the MS hug - which feels like you're wearing an extremely tight girdle around your rib cage.
The surgery was terrifying and the recovery was hell on earth. But, it was going to 'fix' me.
My depression set in about a year later when I realized that although the surgery kept me from dying... it didn't fix any of the symptoms. Those nerves were destroyed and not only have they not regenerated, they are slowly but surely dying off
I have endured 8 years of chronic pain. The migraines that I've had since I was 14 have started coming at least 3 or 4 times a week. The MS hug is still there, but has evolved into episodes of crippling, crushing pain that feel like I'm in a vice grip. My hands are steadily getting worse - I constantly drop things because I have less feeling and a lot less grip strength. I am now developing osteo arthritis in my neck and hands. There is unbearable pain on the right side of my neck that triggers migraines and keeps me up at night… it feels like there's a knife blade stuck in there.
Minor compared to what many live with... but daily chronic pain just wears you down over time.

I have also been tossed around from place to place since I moved back to my hometown. I find a rental, fix it up, landscaped, pain, make it a cozy home - and then..bam… the rug gets pulled out from under me and I have to start all over again. Landlords wanting the place for their kid, landlords wanting the place as a cover for their mistress, landlords kicking you out so that they can house their immigrant workers.
A year and a half ago, I found what I thought was it... the last place I would ever have to move to. The last time I would ever have to pack up and start from scratch. A place owned by an old school friend. A small house, big yard and all the land I wanted to start my dream flower farm. I've invested so much time, hard work, energy and money in to this place. Planted trees, shrubs, perennials, a rose garden. I'd get home from work and my pup and I would be out in the yard or the fields until dark. This was our forever home. I built a fucking greenhouse !
In November, I came home to an eviction letter on my door. They need twice what I'm paying for rent now... they want someone who will rent the house and the outbuildings. They want me out by March 1. Illegal as hell.... but I just can't deal with this bullshit again.

I've been on the cusp of suicidal for about 5 years now.
2 years ago, my only brother and my 15 year old niece were killed in a horrific accident. It destroyed my family, my dad, my sister in law.. and me. I had to put all thoughts of suicide away because my family wouldn't have been able to handle any more pain.
The only thing that got me through it was my beautiful pittie girl. She was my best friend, room mate, hiking partner, confidant for 10 years.
She died from cancer in late August.

I am now heartbroken... and.. broken.
I am behind in all of my bills and payments. I owe over $5,000 to a friend who helped me start up my business last fall.
I have zero dollars in the bank since my job is seasonal. I have no money for rent... which will then give them a valid excuse to kick me out.

I'm just worn out. I'm tired - physically and mentally.
I'm tired of all of the heartbreak and loss. I'm tired of always getting my hopes up just to have them crushed time and time again. I'm tired of being stressed about money every damn day of my life.
I'm just fucking tired.

 

[Final Escape]

Yea housing is a huge problem these days. Makes me wish I had an RV to live in or a van at least they can't evict u. U might have to move around but it's your place that u own. Sorry you're going through this nightmare :(

 

[Farmmaa]

Yea housing is a huge problem these days. Makes me wish I had an RV to live in or a van at least they can't evict u. U might have to move around but it's your place that u own. Sorry you're going through this nightmare :(

I actually do have an RV.
My sister in law gave me the motorhome that she and my brother bought from my mom about 10 years ago.
The problem is, it's old and needs a lot of work to make it livable.. they lived at the cot, so there is mold/mildew from a leak in the upper bunk, the water tank needs to be replaced, cupboard doors all need to be fixed and it doesn't start reliably.
It's going to take a lot more money than I have to fix it up... and then there's still the issue of trying to find somewhere to park it that has power and water hook ups.

Then, I would have to put all of my belongings into storage and pay for that on top of it.

It also makes me completely nauseous every time I think about all of the work I put in here... all of my dreams gone, all of my beautiful landscaping and plants left for the next renter to destroy.

 

[Meant2Die]

Damn Farmmaa, that is A LOT for one person to handle! I'm sure the few paragraphs don't really do it justice. You've been brave and strong for so long, I can see why you'd be tired. Whatever you decide to do I think you've give it your all and thats all we can really do in this harsh world.

 

[RestingGirl23]

Hi there, first of all I'm sorry that you have gone through so much pain. You are a very brave person to have gotten this far in life with all that you have gone through. I have to ask though, you mentioned that you have children, is there any way that you could stay with them for the time being?

 

[Ark]

I am so sorry for what all you have endured @Farmmaa I truly hope you find the peace you deserve no matter how. I wish I could help somehow but all I can do is send hugs and be here for you. You have been through a lot and it is a testament to your strength you made it this far with that much on you. You deserve peace.

 

[Farmmaa]

Hi there, first of all I'm sorry that you have gone through so much pain. You are a very brave person to have gotten this far in life with all that you have gone through. I have to ask though, you mentioned that you have children, is there any way that you could stay with them for the time being?

My kids all live in the small town I ad to move away from - the one with two ex husbands and a whole lot of painful ghosts. It is an 8 hour drive through mountain passes that can be hazardous in the winter.

 

[PaYo]

Thx for ur story it helped me to look back at my problems with difrent perspective, i have also migraines, i have feeling lime something stuck in my head and i just dont want to feel that. I want it to stop but i dont know how. People are telling me that this is schisophremia, but tha fuck do they know for sure, how do they now that it isnt some fucking neurological stuff, no one wanted to check it out. Fuck them. Im out of here. No want want to help me for real, and psychiatrist, fuck them. No real doctor will make diagnosis without ba king it up with a evidence. Psychiatry is pure guessing.

 

[Farmmaa]

Thx for ur story it helped me to look back at my problems with difrent perspective, i have also migraines, i have feeling lime something stuck in my head and i just dont want to feel that. I want it to stop but i dont know how. People are telling me that this is schisophremia, but tha fuck do they know for sure, how do they now that it isnt some fucking neurological stuff, no one wanted to check it out. Fuck them. Im out of here. No want want to help me for real, and psychiatrist, fuck them. No real doctor will make diagnosis without ba king it up with a evidence. Psychiatry is pure guessing.

Medical professionals are fairly clueless and incompetent when it comes to things like migraines and nerve pain.
I can ease my migraines with Imitrex … but that gets bloody expensive when you need to take it at lest 4 or 5 times a week and they are $5 a pill.

Doctors are completely ignoring me when it comes to this crushing rib cage pain. They just ignore my comments that it is coming from the nerves in my neck and keep sending me for frickin blood tests for liver enzymes and gallbladder problems. Last time he asked me if I wanted a prescription strength antacid for christ sakes !!
Yeah. That will help a ton buddy.

 

[Epsilon0]

Since my time is almost up, I suppose it's time to actually tell my story.

I feel almost guilty about being in this position when I see how much worse off so many people are. From the outside, I have what appears to be a pretty damn good life.
I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life - two ugly divorces, abusive relationships, cheating partners, single motherhood .. but I've always fought through.
I have four grown children who are amazing people. Three beautiful grandkids. I have a job that I absolutely love. I am hard working, talented, intelligent, caring , artistic. Love nature nd hiking, love animals - used to run a equine rescue, foster dogs.
So... WTF, right ? Shut up and enjoy your life already.

That's the side of my life that the world sees, and it appears to be pretty frecking good over all. And, over all, it really is.
But, then there is the black cloud that follows me.
The universe just keeps throwing shitballs at me, over and over and over again.

I had emergency surgery exactly 9 years ago because my spinal cord was being severely compressed. It was causing my hands and feet to go numb, sending shock waves of pain down my spine, severe neck pain and what they call the MS hug - which feels like you're wearing an extremely tight girdle around your rib cage.
The surgery was terrifying and the recovery was hell on earth. But, it was going to 'fix' me.
My depression set in about a year later when I realized that although the surgery kept me from dying... it didn't fix any of the symptoms. Those nerves were destroyed and not only have they not regenerated, they are slowly but surely dying off
I have endured 8 years of chronic pain. The migraines that I've had since I was 14 have started coming at least 3 or 4 times a week. The MS hug is still there, but has evolved into episodes of crippling, crushing pain that feel like I'm in a vice grip. My hands are steadily getting worse - I constantly drop things because I have less feeling and a lot less grip strength. I am now developing osteo arthritis in my neck and hands. There is unbearable pain on the right side of my neck that triggers migraines and keeps me up at night… it feels like there's a knife blade stuck in there.
Minor compared to what many live with... but daily chronic pain just wears you down over time.

I have also been tossed around from place to place since I moved back to my hometown. I find a rental, fix it up, landscaped, pain, make it a cozy home - and then..bam… the rug gets pulled out from under me and I have to start all over again. Landlords wanting the place for their kid, landlords wanting the place as a cover for their mistress, landlords kicking you out so that they can house their immigrant workers.
A year and a half ago, I found what I thought was it... the last place I would ever have to move to. The last time I would ever have to pack up and start from scratch. A place owned by an old school friend. A small house, big yard and all the land I wanted to start my dream flower farm. I've invested so much time, hard work, energy and money in to this place. Planted trees, shrubs, perennials, a rose garden. I'd get home from work and my pup and I would be out in the yard or the fields until dark. This was our forever home. I built a fucking greenhouse !
In November, I came home to an eviction letter on my door. They need twice what I'm paying for rent now... they want someone who will rent the house and the outbuildings. They want me out by March 1. Illegal as hell.... but I just can't deal with this bullshit again.

I've been on the cusp of suicidal for about 5 years now.
2 years ago, my only brother and my 15 year old niece were killed in a horrific accident. It destroyed my family, my dad, my sister in law.. and me. I had to put all thoughts of suicide away because my family wouldn't have been able to handle any more pain.
The only thing that got me through it was my beautiful pittie girl. She was my best friend, room mate, hiking partner, confidant for 10 years.
She died from cancer in late August.

I am now heartbroken... and.. broken.
I am behind in all of my bills and payments. I owe over $5,000 to a friend who helped me start up my business last fall.
I have zero dollars in the bank since my job is seasonal. I have no money for rent... which will then give them a valid excuse to kick me out.

I'm just worn out. I'm tired - physically and mentally.
I'm tired of all of the heartbreak and loss. I'm tired of always getting my hopes up just to have them crushed time and time again. I'm tired of being stressed about money every damn day of my life.
I'm just fucking tired.

I can't even imagine the hell that you go through every day, living with chronic pain for 8 years. I don't have any wise or comforting words to write, but I just wanted to say I read your story and I am so sorry for all the hardship you have to endure.

 

[RestingGirl23]

My kids all live in the small town I ad to move away from - the one with two ex husbands and a whole lot of painful ghosts. It is an 8 hour drive through mountain passes that can be hazardous in the winter.

I see. I'm real sorry to hear that. Even if it's difficult, I would hope that you get in contact with your children so that they can help you out. If not, we'll always be here to listen to you. :)