Discussion What bpd feels like

[hoping to lose hope]

what is it about relations and connections, why scared of them?

Being able to connect and care for someone is pure ecstasy, the drug pales in comparison.
I view what would be termed a healthy attachment level devoid of idealization which a normal person possesses,
as a cheap imitation, the Pepsi of Coke.
There is no ceiling in terms of how much you care, you don't just offer a friend a hand,
you rip off an entire arm and present it as a gift of devotion,
only for it to be perceived as an unfathomable gesture hiding ulterior motives or just plain strange.


The idolized is immaculate,
a pristine sea of consciousness whose every ripple you frenetically analyse as a possible sign of rejection,
upon a mere inkling of which shatters you until you get reassured and this disordered order is restored.
It is not contradictory that this perfect being may abandon you,
as you are their antithesis, toxic sludge.
It makes sense they would avoid tainting themselves and not a question of ''if'' but ''when'' they discard you like the trash you are.

I fear connecting with someone because how severe the fallout is due to how emotional I am.
I know it may be possible to learn skills to cope better interpersonally yet fear even needing to use them,
I feel the allure of feeling emotion especially after being numb for so long will drive me to spiral down yet again instead of using healthy coping skills.

Why entertain the idea of hope when I could try to count to infinity?
both are one in the same a futile endless endeavour.

It is a fact that psychologically a loss has exceptionally higher value than an equal gain,
so why knowingly repeat the cycle of hurting myself?
if the definition of insanity is repeating the same action, over and over again hoping for a different result, is it sane not to expect to be abandoned?

I have much work to do on myself before trying to become friends with anyone as it is not healthy how I self-destruct,
I admit I have serious interpersonal issues to deal with and am willing to try solving them.

What does it feel like for you what do you think

 

[timf]

A furnace can be hot or cold. It needs a thermostat to keep it at the right temperature. You may need to work on sampling yourself in such a way to see if you are blowing too hot or too cold. This is automatic for some people. Others have to encounter painful social situations to help them learn to even approximate this function.

A person with as much emotional intensity as you describe may have difficulty holding back all you want to share. However, it can be a difficult skill to develop to measure what we share with others so that we do not overwhelm them.

It can be helpful to warn others that you are aware you have a tendency to do this and ask them to let you know (give you feedback like a thermostat) to help you learn when to dial back.