I guess if I were able to find a place in society, in the economy, that was respectable from the vantage point of the people I grew up around, and I didn't mind it as an occupation, I'd be less suicidal. But I'm not sure it would offset my sad past. Maybe if I also became a respectable person, as in someone who others respect, true respect earned through demonstrated value, then I guess it could be possible. But I'd have to rewire my entire brain and have a decent job that would seem fitting for educated people that I felt confident about and didn't hate...odds are slim to none. I'd also have to somehow grow a set of balls and redefine my character, even more than would someone in their 20s, as I'd be overriding all of the instants of vermin-like behaviour I've conducted throughout an entire lifetime. And so I cannot truly be respected. Respect is the prerequisite for being truly loved. And so true love is not even possible. There can be a little slice of goodness, of being liked, in extremely small portions. But that is the limit. I am a disgrace and a dishonored ghost who's existence is no longer relevant at best, embarrassing and detestable at worst. I only hope to leave a little something to the one true friend I have.