My hope is to completely abandon hope. I managed to do it a month ago, accepting that I just can't do what literally everyone around me can do fully is the greatest source of peace. I am also able to feel real gratitude once this is realized. There is some part of me that still compares myself to others, despite it not making any logical sense. There is a part of me that's scared of others handling the future in a better way or even getting directly measured up with any or all of my peers-- implying complete humiliation.
I just gave up on the whole love and gf thing. What am I going to do with her? Sit around in my parents' apartment? Have sex? I feel like I've matured past all of that despite never experiencing it. It feels juvenile to excitedly "date" and so on. It's one thing to imagine cuddling, but when you realize what a relationship in the real world is made up of, it really leaves much to be wanted. I have nothing to talk about with a girlfriend, I only have a few date ideas and they'd get really boring, really quickly, etc.