I dedicated all my life to studies in the STEM field. Got a degree, a PhD, started my career in academia. It was a wonderful path. I was lucky enough to end-up in places where my former bosses mostly allowed me to express my creativity. I could build new technology with my hands and share the results with an international community. I was given the opportunity to grow and I finally got a research group to manage. Those where the two happiest years of my life.
Unfortunately, all this was not without issues. I am a toxic person. I pushed away friend for all my life and on the workplace everybody knew I was an asshole. I was proud of that because I knew I was very good at my job. I fought with colleagues, friends, and superiors. I think everybody was waiting for a mistake and that finally arrived in the for of a tweet with some hatespeech. I was fired and lost all I have built in decades of career.
My dream job is now gone. I tried three jobs in the same field after but did not manage to keep them for more than 6 months. I felt useless in those jobs and unable to perform the tasks I was given. I constantly looked at the past, at what I had and will not have anymore for the rest of my life. I know I will never be more than I was in 2020.
My job did not make me notice that I have no friends in this world, that my marriage is empty and that I will never be able to build new friendships or that I will never be able to build a relationship with another woman. I tried some dating website and I failed miserably. Tbh I do not have much to offer to another person. I do not really have interests outside my former job and I have a very narrow culture.
Now I am a teacher. I hate my job because I am in a silly university then place where students without ambition go to earn just a piece of paper. They have no motivation, no interest in learning. Colleagues thinks they are such great scientists but in reality they are a closed up group without any international view. I know I will be here for the rest of my life and I do not want to do that.
I am tired of the positivism of people around me. It is two years of hell and it will not change in the future. For me this forum is a way to build up the courage to CTB (first time I use this acronym). I will take the time it take. I hope you also find what you are looking for. IMO there is nothing wrong in saying that we saw enough of this life. It is like watching a movie or a TV series, some people watch it until the end, other get bored and leave the cinema before the end. I am not interested in the end credits anymore.