Dear ijustwishtodie,
I have the awful habit of doing long write ups sometimes and this is going to be - apologising beforehand if you find it boring, but please hear me through if you are able to bear with me. I am will use my own life story to possibly get you to look at how life mapped out and maybe it might help (or if I have wasted your time, I really am sorry).
I was abused (every kind of abuse by multiple people throughout my childhood from the agebof 2 or before. By the age of 14, I decided that life wasn't worth living and took two overdoses - took one and woke up in hospital - stomach pumped, stayed for a couple of weeks and discharged. Within 24 hours, overdosed again and woke up in the same hospital and similar treatment same staff, same ward etc. Anyway I realised that I was not good enough to.die either, so I packed my rucksack with two sets of clothes and ran away from home in the middle of the night and was homeless - I was terrified to approach the police or social services in case they raped me (my past expeirnece with adults was horrendous) or I was returned to the house. Worked three jobs, rented a room and survived - just and there was all sorts of financial abuse (probably be classified as modern slavery nowadays), but I survived. As soon as I turned 16, I went back to college (whilst working and still haven't stopped working), studied, went to university and eventually got a 'professional' job that I love and settled down. Fell in love, had kids who I absolutely love and live for my children. However I have struggled with my mental health (and also autistic as well) all my life and suicidal ideation is part of the complex PTSD and the trauma. I still go through periods where I will take an overdose or end up at the edge of a cliff or somewhere whilst in a dissociative stage. There are no guarantees that I will not end my life. But I struggle to keep myself alive for the sake of my children. Also my work and the charity work keeps me going. I have accepted that it is okay to feel suicidal and try and live life to the fullest. I remember a time when I was standing on top of Beachy Head (done it several times) and another guy shows up (drunk) and is peering over the cliff edge. I was probably dissociated - anyway came down to planet earth pretty quickly when I saw this poir guy looking over the edge, drunk and it was early hours of the morning (too early to be drunk). We had a conversation and I was trying to establish whether he really wanted to jump or whether he was just being drunk - it turned out that he was being drunk and wanted to see the bottom, but couldn't focus. I took him down and gave him a lift into town - he wanted another drink! We all have our reasons to die, to live or sometimes live whilst dying at ghe same time. Times can change and our wishes might or.might not change. I have often wondered about that man - wondered whether he had got himself drunk to muster the courage to die that day though he was quite keen to let me help him away from there. As part of my job, I have listened to people who wanted to end their lives, didn't and have gone on to have lives that they feel they are getting something out of, people who have gone on to end their lives and the outcome can be so different. Having worked in this job for over 23 years, I can still not tell how someone's vision will turn out to be. Speaking for myself, I am.robanly in more psychological pain most of the time - but I can think of reasons to survive. But looking back at that young 14 year old teenager that ran away from home, I am glad that I survived and experienced some of the most amazing parts of life such as having children, charity work etc.
Ultimately the decision is yours and if in doubt, please consider trying out the alternatives.
Wishing you all the best in making the right decision for yourself and your future self. Take care.
