That woman terrorized me by threats that she would beat me. Sometimes she would threaten me with beating my teeth out.
But in reality, it did not happen too often - at least, I don't remember much. I still have every teeth :)
(She knew many other ways to terrorize me, though. I wonder if escaping into a fantasy world is considered to be coping?
Also, I had habits that were not age-appropriate. Maybe sucking my thumb and needing my stuffed animals all the time - even at the age of 11...12 - were my way of childish and regressive coping or self-soothing?)
I was more than 13 when she decided I was big enough to be beaten.
The worst part was not the beating itself, TBH - but the fact that she lost her temper, she was screaming at me hysterically, without any control, she did not give a fuck about my being scared and shivering, and when she hit me and I started to cry, this made the woman even angrier and she would continue yelling at me.
And I didn't do anything _that_ bad. Just the typical prepuberty silliness.
Once she beat me for having gotten a bad character. She had never, ever done this before!
This led to me starting with self-harm. Two years later, when I got a bad character, I began to hit myself. I wonder if I did it out of fear or obedience. Maybe I did it to prevent the woman from doing so. Maybe I wanted to prove I knew what I deserved. Still not sure about it, just ashamed.
The only thing I remember is being caught.
The woman commented - with an indescribable sarcasm and cynicism - "Hit harder!"
(Fun fact: I am talking about a remedial teacher who specializes in psychopedagogy!
Maybe she thought her professional skills were meant only for her workplace. Or maybe these were some special psychopedagogical methods - and not child abuse as I think.
Oh okay, I stop being so ironical before the vitriol dripping from my fingers would dissolve my keyboard!)
I coped by escaping into even more childish fantasies. Heaven, angels, heavenly guitar solos.
And I read. I always read. (The woman described this to someone by stating that one has to beat out the book from my hands, literally.)
I have no kids. I'm afraid I would be a lousy parent.
There is only one thing I recall - not my own example, but a young girl who had a very abusive father. She would say "if only Dad hit me instead of humiliating and belittling me all the time!"
Her mother was quick to lose her temper and used physical punishment quite often - yet the girl was less afraid of her mother (who would punch her without thinking) than of her father (who kept humiliating her).
This says so much.
I cannot really formulate any opinion, only that all kinds of abuse - and unjusticeful punishment - are equally bad.