Help Were my most recent actions selfish and uncaring?

[Anonymous1997ES]

I didn't say goodbye to some friends before I nearly CTB (just three), and among those I didn't was the person I thought our friendship was dying away...

If some friends or family members who don't know end up finding out... What could I say to them? To not make them feel guilty?

My main reason to die was abandonment issues/unresolved trauma from the past but... Right now, something happened that I could have never expected it before...

I started to think this: "Well, if I had enough strength to try to die, then I have the strength to do something else", so I talked with old and/or former friends to apologize for not being there to support them and so on...

One of them, whom I used to be best friends with as recently as two years ago, told me he would give me another chance for us to slowly rebuild our relationship...

Also... If you have more than one best friends, is it selfish to refer to them as "one of my best friends", instead of "my best friend?"

Why couldn't I have done this without having to do all the CTB process?!

Am I being a manipulator for trying to reconnect with people just after trying to die?

Am I a piece of shit for wanting to die and not choosing a better method?

God, if someone else were to find out, what could I tell them? To make sure they don't feel bad...

Maybe it wasn't that misdiagnosis that messed up my life but... Instead, my inner fears and abandonment issues were the main culprits...

 

[timf]

"Selfishness" might not have application to a drowning man clutching at a straw.

While selfishness might be considered for someone who has little concern for others as he works to get whatever he wants, I think most would agree that an exception exists in the realm of survival.

Rebuilding relationships often starts with an honest recognition of hurt that was caused and asking for forgiveness. Thos who have been through AA know that this forgiveness might not be forthcoming, but asking does clarify things.

Maintaining relationships is the difficult part. It requires an ongoing investment in another person towards inquiring after them and seeking after their interests and concerns.

If you are unable to consistently provide this, it can be beneficial to declare it and ask that the other person be understanding if you withdraw for a while to deal with internal issues. If they say that they want to be there for you, you can say that you really wish they could find a solution for you, but you don't want to cause them hurt because your focus has shifted to the internal realm.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

"Selfishness" might not have application to a drowning man clutching at a straw.

While selfishness might be considered for someone who has little concern for others as he works to get whatever he wants, I think most would agree that an exception exists in the realm of survival.

Rebuilding relationships often starts with an honest recognition of hurt that was caused and asking for forgiveness. Thos who have been through AA know that this forgiveness might not be forthcoming, but asking does clarify things.

Maintaining relationships is the difficult part. It requires an ongoing investment in another person towards inquiring after them and seeking after their interests and concerns.

If you are unable to consistently provide this, it can be beneficial to declare it and ask that the other person be understanding if you withdraw for a while to deal with internal issues. If they say that they want to be there for you, you can say that you really wish they could find a solution for you, but you don't want to cause them hurt because your focus has shifted to the internal realm.

You think that because I was drowing in pain in despair, I wasn't fully conscious of my actions, and my paranoid thoughts distorted everything so much that I didn't see another opening but CTB? That makes sense o_o

You're right, I apologized and offered that I would make things right, and they don't have to forgive me if they don't want to, I'm doing this because I want to heal whatever damage my actions caused them... Also it's true as well, telling a friend that you're not in the mood to talk, but you thank them for their kindness and offer to talk to them again once everything is fine, that way lots of misunderstandings are avoided...

 

[everydayiloveyou]

imo it's not selfish to have multiple best friends. I haven't heard about people getting offended over that since I was in grade school.

It's not selfish if you don't tell people you ctb, that's your choice to make. Whatever other people feel is their problem, you're not really responsible for how they feel about your decisions.

As for the former best friend, did they only say they'd like to reconnect *after* you told them you tried to ctb? I can see how it's bit sus to go to people that you feel have hurt you (by drifting away from you) and going like "hey I tried to kill myself recently, by the way i wish we were friends again. how are you?" In those scenarios the other person can feel obligated to do what they think you want them to do. But if you were just saying that you missed them and that you'll always be there, that's not a problem at all.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

imo it's not selfish to have multiple best friends. I haven't heard about people getting offended over that since I was in grade school.

It's not selfish if you don't tell people you ctb, that's your choice to make. Whatever other people feel is their problem, you're not really responsible for how they feel about your decisions.

As for the former best friend, did they only say they'd like to reconnect *after* you told them you tried to ctb? I can see how it's bit sus to go to people that you feel have hurt you (by drifting away from you) and going like "hey I tried to kill myself recently, by the way i wish we were friends again. how are you?" In those scenarios the other person can feel obligated to do what they think you want them to do. But if you were just saying that you missed them and that you'll always be there, that's not a problem at all.

Nope, never told him that I tried to do so, nor I plan to do so towards anyone else... That would be so horrible and wrong to do...

I plan to lie about the scars if I'm discovered, either saying I scratched myself while sleeping, or that I rescued a cat in a wired place and ended up bruised because of that.

If you don't mind, could I ask you something else via PM?

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Nope, never told him that I tried to do so, nor I plan to do so towards anyone else... That would be so horrible and wrong to do...

I plan to lie about the scars if I'm discovered, either saying I scratched myself while sleeping, or that I rescued a cat in a wired place and ended up bruised because of that.

If you don't mind, could I ask you something else via PM?

You have nothing to worry about then! I just brought it up because sometimes people don't realize they probably shouldn't be doing that. On places like SS its not a big issue, but irl people can get very shocked about suicide.

I wouldn't mind a pm at all! feel free :)

 

[Kattt]

When the time comes,saying "goodbye" will probably be the furthest thing from your thoughts. Inside that black hole of despair,nothing else matters.
Loved ones will always look for a reason and experience feelings of guilt. That's inevitable and I don't think there's any way of avoiding it.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

When the time comes,saying "goodbye" will probably be the furthest thing from your thoughts. Inside that black hole of despair,nothing else matters.
Loved ones will always look for a reason and experience feelings of guilt. That's inevitable and I don't think there's any way of avoiding it.

Wow... I guess you're right...

I got told that had I waited fifteen more minutes, the medicine would've kicked in and I would've passed out in that park... Maybe I wouldn't have died, but I would likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now... God...

Got told that I have to build enough self-love so I can be happy on my own, even if I end up alone except for family and maybe a friend or two... Is that possible?

 

[Pure]

Did they know you were going to ctb? If not I don't see why you should tell them about what happened.

Nobody I know knows about my past ctb attempts except for the doctors and therapist I had to tell. And I plan on keeping it that way. Nobody needs to know.
You're not being manipulative and it's not selfish of you to have changed your mind about dying.