SpiritualDeath
I return to the raiding shadows of death.
- Sep 9, 2023
- 211
They said she was already suffering from domestic violence when she accidentally got pregnant. She didn't have the guts to get a divorce or have an abortion that's the only reason why I was born.
They said I was a smart child, learned things very quickly when I was a baby, but was quite troublesome in other aspects. I guess I was born a mess. Because of my behavioral problems I couldn't even stay properly in kindergarten. I could get reasonable grades at school without having to put in too much effort, but my days were bad: I didn't know how to properly communicate with peers, was too afraid to even talk to the teachers, was always nervous and anxious, and ended up having no friends and being hated for no reason. At home the violence didn't stop: I'd got to worry about getting beaten up or being locked up in a dark room by my father, or having the luck to watch my parents fight with forks and knives.
My days got a little better after my mom finally got a divorce and moved out with me. She's completely given up on relationships since then. My father became a Christian after the divorce (ironic right?), and my relationship with him only worsened because of that. My parents still hated each other to the bones, and would use me against each other. My days were still miserable at school: I was being bullied, but I was working very hard at that time and managed to get into the uni I'm in now. I left home, even left my country all alone without hesitation because I wanted to be away from all of them.
I guess I didn't really want to die despite being miserable at that time. It's only after I finally got the freedom I desired for so long during those miserable days, and found out that I was still being miserable, that I slowly started to realize and admit that this existence for me is probably a lost cause. It's hard not to despise existence from a personal (rather than theoretical/philosophical) point as well.
The only problem is my mom. She's all alone at home at this point. I'm her only child. She loves me, although she's too narrow-minded, or afraid to admit that she made a terrible mistake giving birth to me. She still somehow sees me as a smart child who has a bright future, and has absolutely no idea that I'm thinking about ctb right now. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen, nor does she understand at all what I say. If I successfully ctb, her life will completely become a tragedy: I'm already 20 that means she can't give birth to another child at this point. She'll be completely alone. She has no partner, and my grandpa just passed earlier this year. Maybe this would finally open her eyes to how bad things really are, but it's too heavy a price to pay. tbh it's tempting to get her to ctb with me, or just take her with me, just end the suffering for both of us. Indeed, she made a mistake, but I still don't want her to suffer this much (for her it would be suffering after suffering for her entire life, and she's not open to ctb which means she'll suffer even more).
How fucked up is this...
Sorry for the little vent.
Potential parents please think twice before bringing your children into existence.
Meh I may not actually do this...I don't know what to do tbh.
They said I was a smart child, learned things very quickly when I was a baby, but was quite troublesome in other aspects. I guess I was born a mess. Because of my behavioral problems I couldn't even stay properly in kindergarten. I could get reasonable grades at school without having to put in too much effort, but my days were bad: I didn't know how to properly communicate with peers, was too afraid to even talk to the teachers, was always nervous and anxious, and ended up having no friends and being hated for no reason. At home the violence didn't stop: I'd got to worry about getting beaten up or being locked up in a dark room by my father, or having the luck to watch my parents fight with forks and knives.
My days got a little better after my mom finally got a divorce and moved out with me. She's completely given up on relationships since then. My father became a Christian after the divorce (ironic right?), and my relationship with him only worsened because of that. My parents still hated each other to the bones, and would use me against each other. My days were still miserable at school: I was being bullied, but I was working very hard at that time and managed to get into the uni I'm in now. I left home, even left my country all alone without hesitation because I wanted to be away from all of them.
I guess I didn't really want to die despite being miserable at that time. It's only after I finally got the freedom I desired for so long during those miserable days, and found out that I was still being miserable, that I slowly started to realize and admit that this existence for me is probably a lost cause. It's hard not to despise existence from a personal (rather than theoretical/philosophical) point as well.
The only problem is my mom. She's all alone at home at this point. I'm her only child. She loves me, although she's too narrow-minded, or afraid to admit that she made a terrible mistake giving birth to me. She still somehow sees me as a smart child who has a bright future, and has absolutely no idea that I'm thinking about ctb right now. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen, nor does she understand at all what I say. If I successfully ctb, her life will completely become a tragedy: I'm already 20 that means she can't give birth to another child at this point. She'll be completely alone. She has no partner, and my grandpa just passed earlier this year. Maybe this would finally open her eyes to how bad things really are, but it's too heavy a price to pay. tbh it's tempting to get her to ctb with me, or just take her with me, just end the suffering for both of us. Indeed, she made a mistake, but I still don't want her to suffer this much (for her it would be suffering after suffering for her entire life, and she's not open to ctb which means she'll suffer even more).
How fucked up is this...
Sorry for the little vent.
Potential parents please think twice before bringing your children into existence.
Meh I may not actually do this...I don't know what to do tbh.
