Inferdan
Meeting the first minor relapse after recovery
- Nov 3, 2019
- 450
So...I joined November 2019. I was in decline, depressed as hell, and spiralling deeper and deeper into the chaotic storm, unable to escape. I hated everything, I hated living. I wanted nothing more then to be gone from this shitty world. It took months of deterioration, but eventually, I decided to finally ctb. I believed I was beyond hope; broken, shattered, unsaveable. Everything was going wrong, and I didn't want any part with anything anyway...
I was in bed, everything was ready and it was all planned, and I intended to go through with it, nothing was going to stop me from finally ending it all. I'm passing the time, waiting for day to come, when I start watching the full playthrough of "Night In The Woods". Always wanted to see it, and thought why not, I won't have another chance. So I watch the entire gameplay, becoming very immersed, and at the end, I am moved. I loved the story and characters. And the line "Shit happens"...idk what that did, but it made a break in the darkness. Like the first rung of a ladder up appearing. SI most likely grabbed hold, but from there I had to will myself to stay on, despite having none.
And so began months of recovery. I built up slowly from the rubble and ruin of who I was. I failed the last year of high school, of course, because I never managed to recover fast enough to be able to do any of the work. Currently trying to get secondary certificate from university, but it doesn't seem like I'll get it either. Oh well, I can manage, I'm sure. I don't eat three meals a day all the time (actually, I mostly don't XD and sleep schedule still isn't quite right, it's 4:53am as I'm writing this), and I quite enjoy cleaning the house and doing daily chores now. I am growing an art account to gain recognition, actually got a girlfriend(!), and almost done with a resume to get a job, though I need one piece of information until it is done, and it's quite hard to get so far :/
Anyways, I am doing better then I have ever been, everyone. I still worry about some things, and still get nervous too. But it doesn't happen much. I listen to peaceful things for myself these days, which is a big contrast to what I listened to in the past. I still don't like the world, but it barely is on my mind now. I've matured and grown immensely...I've learnt a lot of life lessons in such a short amount of time, and when I announced to my friends that I was better, they applauded me and said they were proud. My parents were glad I had managed to get past it, and though we still argue, my relationship with them is better then it has been ever. I want to thank everyone here who has ever supported me and listened to me whenever I needed to vent, and been there during my dark times...especially my suicidal times. Without this sight, I would've most likely been gone by now, and in a more horrible manner. I may leave the site...though I may also stay. I will make my decision soon.
Anyways, this was a quick update of me to say I am doing good, and also to let you know it is possible to recover. It is hard and takes a lot of dedication and mental effort (Had to fight off dark thoughts from planting seeds of doubt, and had to slowly gather what motivation and drive I had lost to begin progressing forward in life), but it definitely can be done :)
Alright...may the day/night give you a reason to smile
hope you all progress further to the peace you want, need, and deserve~
(PS: Attached photos are me in a photoshoot. I have done a lot since I have last been online :p )
I was in bed, everything was ready and it was all planned, and I intended to go through with it, nothing was going to stop me from finally ending it all. I'm passing the time, waiting for day to come, when I start watching the full playthrough of "Night In The Woods". Always wanted to see it, and thought why not, I won't have another chance. So I watch the entire gameplay, becoming very immersed, and at the end, I am moved. I loved the story and characters. And the line "Shit happens"...idk what that did, but it made a break in the darkness. Like the first rung of a ladder up appearing. SI most likely grabbed hold, but from there I had to will myself to stay on, despite having none.
And so began months of recovery. I built up slowly from the rubble and ruin of who I was. I failed the last year of high school, of course, because I never managed to recover fast enough to be able to do any of the work. Currently trying to get secondary certificate from university, but it doesn't seem like I'll get it either. Oh well, I can manage, I'm sure. I don't eat three meals a day all the time (actually, I mostly don't XD and sleep schedule still isn't quite right, it's 4:53am as I'm writing this), and I quite enjoy cleaning the house and doing daily chores now. I am growing an art account to gain recognition, actually got a girlfriend(!), and almost done with a resume to get a job, though I need one piece of information until it is done, and it's quite hard to get so far :/
Anyways, I am doing better then I have ever been, everyone. I still worry about some things, and still get nervous too. But it doesn't happen much. I listen to peaceful things for myself these days, which is a big contrast to what I listened to in the past. I still don't like the world, but it barely is on my mind now. I've matured and grown immensely...I've learnt a lot of life lessons in such a short amount of time, and when I announced to my friends that I was better, they applauded me and said they were proud. My parents were glad I had managed to get past it, and though we still argue, my relationship with them is better then it has been ever. I want to thank everyone here who has ever supported me and listened to me whenever I needed to vent, and been there during my dark times...especially my suicidal times. Without this sight, I would've most likely been gone by now, and in a more horrible manner. I may leave the site...though I may also stay. I will make my decision soon.
Anyways, this was a quick update of me to say I am doing good, and also to let you know it is possible to recover. It is hard and takes a lot of dedication and mental effort (Had to fight off dark thoughts from planting seeds of doubt, and had to slowly gather what motivation and drive I had lost to begin progressing forward in life), but it definitely can be done :)
Alright...may the day/night give you a reason to smile
hope you all progress further to the peace you want, need, and deserve~(PS: Attached photos are me in a photoshoot. I have done a lot since I have last been online :p )
