_sinner_
New Member
- Jul 25, 2025
- 3
Was just sitting with the rest of my family - my aunt from 2 1/2 hours away came down to partially visit, partially help my grandparents (her parents). Which as much as I love her and my cousins I just wanted a day "off" because it's clear I'm not going to have one this week. Not that I'm working but it's just a mental thing, trying to mask and help out where I'm needed.
When I came out of the bathroom they were talking about some football player from the Dallas Cowboys since my aunt's husband watches them. I don't know anything about sports or anything like that, didn't even hear about it until my grandpa mentioned it, and I have no idea how he found out. I guess it's assumed the guy committed suicide. My family just... kinda laughed about it. It was a very 'that's so pathetic' kind of laugh. I'm not crazy, I know my family, I know my dad, how they all are. I love them dearly, they're just... set in their ways. But it just hammers in that I cannot tell them a thing. They think it's all stupid, or attention seeking, which was what I got branded when I was younger- or whatever else. Like they can kind of grasp mental health being a problem but they're very much 'pray about it' type people. I'm still kinda thrown off on how they all just laughed about it.
I was considering a letter, but after that I really don't think I'm going to write one, because they just confirmed that they're not going to take that seriously. My dad, who I thought was coming around when he even admitted that yeah, my anxiety's pretty bad, won't take it any further. There's no point in trying to talk to any of them about it, because they're not gonna care. It's all gonna end up my fault one way or another. I just wonder if they'll laugh at my death, too. I know they find me weak and pathetic - no job, only one I had lasted 4 1/2 months at a nursing home and I got way too overwhelmed - I'm just now starting school being 21 (was 20 when the semester started) and had to move back here bc my friend's dad is a creep and I can't even tell anyone even that.
I know my place.
I'm just really starting to feel as though my end is coming pretty soon. I don't know how yet, exactly, or if I'll get enough in me to actually do it, but I hope I do. I'm kind of stuck on a method, I don't think there's a very easy way out with where I'm at, and how many people are living here. I wouldn't want to take my grandparents meds from them anyway, since they're elderly and hurting and really need them right now. I'm 90% sure my dad has a gun, like a handgun. He has a shot gun for sure but for some reason I'm pretty reluctant to consider it. I think the night-night method I seen on here could work if I could get the stuff for it. I'm just so tired. I'm alone. I'm hurting every day and have been for so long I don't even know why I'm still alive. I have one online friend that theoretically I could talk to, but I think he's pretty burnt out from me, and I know he's teetering on the edge too. That's why I'm posting here from now on instead of where we met. At least here I can get some actual answers for how to end it.
I can't believe I let myself get guilted into staying alive. I could've ended this years ago and I never did. And now looking back it was probably just formality, anyway, people saying what they're supposed to say because they're supposed to at least act like they care. Am I really so stupid I could fall for that? I fear that I might be. Clearly I'm not worth the time, anyway, if I've learned anything at all.
At least this way my family will have something to laugh at when I'm dead, that is if they find me at all, which I don't intend on them doing. I don't know how I feel about my little sisters seeing me dead.
When I came out of the bathroom they were talking about some football player from the Dallas Cowboys since my aunt's husband watches them. I don't know anything about sports or anything like that, didn't even hear about it until my grandpa mentioned it, and I have no idea how he found out. I guess it's assumed the guy committed suicide. My family just... kinda laughed about it. It was a very 'that's so pathetic' kind of laugh. I'm not crazy, I know my family, I know my dad, how they all are. I love them dearly, they're just... set in their ways. But it just hammers in that I cannot tell them a thing. They think it's all stupid, or attention seeking, which was what I got branded when I was younger- or whatever else. Like they can kind of grasp mental health being a problem but they're very much 'pray about it' type people. I'm still kinda thrown off on how they all just laughed about it.
I was considering a letter, but after that I really don't think I'm going to write one, because they just confirmed that they're not going to take that seriously. My dad, who I thought was coming around when he even admitted that yeah, my anxiety's pretty bad, won't take it any further. There's no point in trying to talk to any of them about it, because they're not gonna care. It's all gonna end up my fault one way or another. I just wonder if they'll laugh at my death, too. I know they find me weak and pathetic - no job, only one I had lasted 4 1/2 months at a nursing home and I got way too overwhelmed - I'm just now starting school being 21 (was 20 when the semester started) and had to move back here bc my friend's dad is a creep and I can't even tell anyone even that.
I know my place.
I'm just really starting to feel as though my end is coming pretty soon. I don't know how yet, exactly, or if I'll get enough in me to actually do it, but I hope I do. I'm kind of stuck on a method, I don't think there's a very easy way out with where I'm at, and how many people are living here. I wouldn't want to take my grandparents meds from them anyway, since they're elderly and hurting and really need them right now. I'm 90% sure my dad has a gun, like a handgun. He has a shot gun for sure but for some reason I'm pretty reluctant to consider it. I think the night-night method I seen on here could work if I could get the stuff for it. I'm just so tired. I'm alone. I'm hurting every day and have been for so long I don't even know why I'm still alive. I have one online friend that theoretically I could talk to, but I think he's pretty burnt out from me, and I know he's teetering on the edge too. That's why I'm posting here from now on instead of where we met. At least here I can get some actual answers for how to end it.
I can't believe I let myself get guilted into staying alive. I could've ended this years ago and I never did. And now looking back it was probably just formality, anyway, people saying what they're supposed to say because they're supposed to at least act like they care. Am I really so stupid I could fall for that? I fear that I might be. Clearly I'm not worth the time, anyway, if I've learned anything at all.
At least this way my family will have something to laugh at when I'm dead, that is if they find me at all, which I don't intend on them doing. I don't know how I feel about my little sisters seeing me dead.
