Story well, it seems as if I lost her anyway

[longingforrelease]

I announced right before a scuba trip a few months ago, that I sent a long text to my 11 year-old daughter trying to make amends for the pain I caused her because of my, nearly exclusive part in the breakup of her family. I told her that daddy got sick (didn't go into details of biploar mania and and the horrendous, crazy shit that cost me my job, my wife, my self respect that led to my arrest for possession of meth.). I just told her that mommy was not responsbile for any ot it, that the pain she and her mommy felt, and may still feel, was all my fault, and that I would be forever so very sorry for having failed in my most important job, protecting my little girl from the kind of pain I was responsible for inflicting on her. To all that she replied that she loved me, missed me, and wished i could come home. With such a loving and generosity of spirit, I decided that I could not purchase my freedom from the unrelenting pain I feel for all that befell me and al the pain I caused her and her mother, at the expense of a lifetime of complex grief child survivors of parental suicide suffer from.

But tings no longer seem so clear. last Friday I received a text from her in wich she casually mentioned, :
"and also I don't think I'm going to be able to come to Thailand this summer. Maybe you could come down here."

When I asked her why that was, expecting to hear that her mother had decided against sending her on a such a long flight as Chicago to HongKong. And in fact, I would have respected her mother's decision. She hasn't let her down yet, and I did rather spectacularly. But that's not what I heard. In stead, I got this answer:
"... I'm going to be really busy during this summer. When I asked "doing what" she replied, "I have volleyball camp, I am going to Bradford Woods for a camp, I have rock climbing camp, and I have Mrs. Franks summer art camp... Maybe I can, but probably not."

Those words, written so matter of factly, just broke my heart. When I first told her i had to move to Thailand, the the thing that stemmed the flow of her tears was the idea of the adventures we could have together here in SE Asia. And it has been the thought of her visit that has carried me through this difficult year. But to read that how low I rank on her list of priorities, below, even an "art camp" that consists of walking literally to the house next door for a week of arts and crafts with her art teacher she sees all year, has been devastating. It looks like after paying such a high price for my behaviors and choices made during a two year manic episode, that was the result of such egregious medical malpractice that even the judge and prosecutor in my hang 'em high rural indiana district were so incensed by the testimony of my new psychiatrist, that they summarily dismissed the felony meth possession charges and ordered sealed all records, is not yet payment in full. It looks like the final installment of my payment for that period -- that never had to or would have happened had my doctor been the least bit competent -- is the loss of my daughter.

I'm back today, because i do not think I can survive that final payment.

 

[NextSummer]

Just what I think: Since she is still a child, it might be the case that in her world view, that she thinks you are there for HER and that she can afford it not to visit you without loosing you. She maybe hasn't realized yet that it's YOU who needs her to feel happy.

 

[TiredHorse]

Oh man...

First, despite the pain you have endured, I'm not sorry to see you back, @longingforrelease. I've been wondering how your story has progressed, and it's good to see you again.

Second, as ridiculous as this might sound, try not to take your daughter's obliviousness too personally. She's 11, entering one of the most self-centered age ranges. Developmentally, she is so inwardly focussed on herself and how she relates to her world, I doubt she has any more time for her mother than she does for you. I can barely imagine how much it hurts to have been brushed off like that, but... She's a kid, approaching the cusp of adulthood. I expect any adult is lower on her list of priorities than next-door art camp.

I've been watching some friends' kids of that same age, and the parents are pretty much invisible except as staff: caterers, chauffeurs, maids, laundry service, accountants, concierges... Being parent to a kid 10-17 appears to be as thankless a life as you could imagine.

In short, you haven't lost your daughter. No more than any parent does. She's just busy finding herself.

For the record, you have my deepest respect for your reasoning behind choosing to not CTB. That was a hard decision, but I think it was a good one. And I think it will eventually pay dividends when your daughter matures and finds you there for her.

 

[Soul]

@longingforrelease, you haven't lost your daughter - she's telling you the details of plans that for her are exciting and important and not "low priority" at all. As the wise @TiredHorse says, she's at a self-absorbed age, and navigating a social life that's got its dictums, and Arts Camp and the rest is apparently de rigueur. Please be pleased for your little girl. Her visit to Thailand can still happen.

I'm sorry you've been through so much. Your decision to stay is a beautiful one. Hugs