Well I have to recover now...

[hiddenbpd]

I'm feeling pretty confused at the moment. I had confided in my therapist about my suicide plans and how the date is approaching and becoming more serious. This obviously turned into them saying that if I keep heading down this path, that they're going to have to take action to keep me safe (I'm terrified of hospitalization). Wanting to avoid hospitalization, the only option it seems I have left is to try to steer away from suicide and my plan, but I feel like a failure. I've had this plan for over 6 months, and I'm just supposed to throw it away? I thought I was so certain, but I guess if I told my therapist, I'm not as certain as I thought.

 

[jodes2]

On the plus side, it gives you a chance to try to use their help and recover something of life well done for getting this far with recovery!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I say this without judgment, but why do you continue to see a therapist if you've settled on CTB? I quit seeing mine after I reached that conclusion but perhaps you are like me and have been steeped in therapy so long that seeing one just became a matter of course.

You've definitely run alarm bells in your therapist who is going to be concerned about their liability over everything else. But it's not too late to diffuse. I will never stop beating myself up for giving myself up essentially to my therapist. If you've never been hospitalized that is something to be avoided.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I say this without judgment, but why do you continue to see a therapist if you've settled on CTB? I quit seeing mine after I reached that conclusion but perhaps you are like me and have been steeped in therapy that seeing one became just a matter of course.

You've definitely run alarm bells in your therapist who is going to be concerned about their liability over everything else. But it's not too late to diffuse. I will never stop beating myself up for giving myself up essentially to my therapist. If you've never been hospitalized that is something to be avoided.

I was giving myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe I could get better if I was fully honest, because I used to hide most of everything from therapists before. I guess I was never 100% for sure that it's what I want. I want to be hopeful, but I don't know at what point hope should just be lost.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I was giving myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe I could get better if I was fully honest, because I used to hide most of everything from therapists before. I guess I was never 100% for sure that it's what I want. I want to be hopeful, but I don't know at what point hope should just be lost.

You've said you work in mental health. Perhaps you've exhausted whatever utility there is from therapy and there isn't anything else a conventional therapist could say that's particularly novel or inspiring. At least that was the case with me and many others.

Ambivalence is normal. It makes sense you wanted to confide in your therapist. It doesn't necessarily mean you have significant doubts because it is a tough burden to keep to yourself. I know we have this forum but it's different in person. Living in limbo is tough. Anyway even if you reach the date and you're not committed that is okay. Dates only have whatever meaning we assign them. I've extended the deadline more times than so count. I'm nearing the end of the latest one and am feeling similar pressure.

 

[pauly1963]

I'm feeling pretty confused at the moment. I had confided in my therapist about my suicide plans and how the date is approaching and becoming more serious. This obviously turned into them saying that if I keep heading down this path, that they're going to have to take action to keep me safe (I'm terrified of hospitalization). Wanting to avoid hospitalization, the only option it seems I have left is to try to steer away from suicide and my plan, but I feel like a failure. I've had this plan for over 6 months, and I'm just supposed to throw it away? I thought I was so certain, but I guess if I told my therapist, I'm not as certain as I thought.

NEVER trust a therapist: they will snitch on you ALWAYS just to cover their own asses if you mention that you have plans to CTB. They don't care about anyone, they only care about the large amounts of money they make.

 

[never mind me]

You don't have to keep living, if you don't want to. You can still tell your therapist that you feel you want to live now and recover and tell some bullshit about how you are feeling much more hopeful now that you have given up your plan to kill yourself. Keep this act up for maybe another few therapy sessions and then end therapy, claiming that you don't have time for it any more, because you have to focus on other things in life (like a hobby, a relationship, your work). That's at least what you could do, if you are still determined to kill yourself.
If not you can obviously also really try to recover. But I think it might not be as much about your therapist as it is about you making up your mind, if you are really determined to end your life or not. But don't take it as a failure, if you change your mind about ctb. Maybe you've been more ambigious about this decision than you have realized before and you only realize it now, as your chosen ctb date is drawing closer?

 

[hiddenbpd]

You don't have to keep living, if you don't want to. You can still tell your therapist that you feel you want to live now and recover and tell some bullshit about how you are feeling much more hopeful now that you have given up your plan to kill yourself. Keep this act up for maybe another few therapy sessions and then end therapy, claiming that you don't have time for it any more, because you have to focus on other things in life (like a hobby, a relationship, your work). That's at least what you could do, if you are still determined to kill yourself.
If not you can obviously also really try to recover. But I think it might not be as much about your therapist as it is about you making up your mind, if you are really determined to end your life or not. But don't take it as a failure, if you change your mind about ctb. Maybe you've been more ambigious about this decision than you have realized before and you only realize it now, as your chosen ctb date is drawing closer?

Thank you for your support and suggestions . You're right, the main focus is whether or not I'm committed to ctb or not. The date approaching gives me pressure to make a decision, but I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% sure. Is it SI or actual desire to live? I guess there's no harm in extending the date, other than my own suffering.

 

[freedomcalls]

I definitely think you should discuss this further with your therapist while you do still have some hope

You obviously have some kind of rapport to have disclosed this anyway; which suggests there is a part of you that wants to be talked out of it / given support in finding an alternative route

If you decide you are going to CTB then I wouldn't discuss that further or def no concrete terms / dates / methods because you put them in a position where they potentially have to hospitalise you or risk their professional career

 

[hiddenbpd]

I definitely think you should discuss this further with your therapist while you do still have some hope

You obviously have some kind of rapport to have disclosed this anyway; which suggests there is a part of you that wants to be talked out of it / given support in finding an alternative route

If you decide you are going to CTB then I wouldn't discuss that further or def no concrete terms / dates / methods because you put them in a position where they potentially have to hospitalise you or risk their professional career

Yup. I think my disclosure of it was an impulsive decision to get help, I think I need to be forced or I'll never make the choice to improve, I can barely make simple decisions, let alone one this large. I think I'm also begging people to care about me and give me a reason to live (not the healthiest mindset, I know, but I didn't make it here having a healthy mind).
You're right though. If ctb is going to be my plan, I need to keep that on the DL from now on.

 

[Nirrend]

I'm feeling pretty confused at the moment. I had confided in my therapist about my suicide plans and how the date is approaching and becoming more serious. This obviously turned into them saying that if I keep heading down this path, that they're going to have to take action to keep me safe (I'm terrified of hospitalization). Wanting to avoid hospitalization, the only option it seems I have left is to try to steer away from suicide and my plan, but I feel like a failure. I've had this plan for over 6 months, and I'm just supposed to throw it away? I thought I was so certain, but I guess if I told my therapist, I'm not as certain as I thought.

Hi sweet @hiddenbpd

I'm sorry the last few months have led to you suffering like this ❤

I understand how you feel because when we plan to ctb, this planning sets up a security in us that allows us to say to ourselves "even if it's not ok anymore, I have this"

I understand today that you're upset about what's going on, but I think it's good in a way that you've talked about it all

You know, I'm going to be sent to hospital too, I'm scared too

But I tell myself one thing in all this. At least I'm trying, if it works, great, if it doesn't, too bad

Because either way, you've got nothing to lose, don't you think?

If you didn't try, you'd end your life in any case, so if you try and things work out for you, you win everything, but if it doesn't work out, you don't lose anything in all this, because you wanted to die ❤

The hardest thing when things go wrong is to believe that there is still hope, your suffering is legitimate ❤ and I too today find it hard to tell myself that there is hope

Then I will tell you, even if I will never incite you

At worst if it doesn't work, you are free of your choices and you can do what you think is good for you after

The choices you make will be without regret because you will have tried everything (living or dying, only you can know what's good for you)

I prefer to consider things like that

For now let's not talk about negative things, I have hope for you, I'm sure it can go well ❤

Think of me when you go there, you're not alone ❤

Love ❤

 

[hiddenbpd]

Hi sweet @hiddenbpd

I'm sorry the last few months have led to you suffering like this ❤

I understand how you feel because when we plan to ctb, this planning sets up a security in us that allows us to say to ourselves "even if it's not ok anymore, I have this"

I understand today that you're upset about what's going on, but I think it's good in a way that you've talked about it all

You know, I'm going to be sent to hospital too, I'm scared too

But I tell myself one thing in all this. At least I'm trying, if it works, great, if it doesn't, too bad

Because either way, you've got nothing to lose, don't you think?

If you didn't try, you'd end your life in any case, so if you try and things work out for you, you win everything, but if it doesn't work out, you don't lose anything in all this, because you wanted to die ❤

The hardest thing when things go wrong is to believe that there is still hope, your suffering is legitimate ❤ and I too today find it hard to tell myself that there is hope

Then I will tell you, even if I will never incite you

At worst if it doesn't work, you are free of your choices and you can do what you think is good for you after

The choices you make will be without regret because you will have tried everything (living or dying, only you can know what's good for you)

I prefer to consider things like that

For now let's not talk about negative things, I have hope for you, I'm sure it can go well ❤

Think of me when you go there, you're not alone ❤

Love ❤

You're so kind . Thank you, this made me feel better. I appreciate the love you have for a complete stranger. I hope you're also able to hold your head high and keep treading the rough waters. It means a lot to me that you took the time to reply to my post.

 

[Regen]

You are really brave!! Brave, that you talked about your suicide and brave that you are not sure what to do now. And it seems like you have a absolutely fantastic psychologist if you can talk about it without panic and the danger of psychiatric ward. That's not always possible. It's fair that she told you her personal borderline.

Do you need a fix date for suicide? You could try how it feels to go in the direction of recovery and the possibility to commit suicide is not lost forever. It seems that your psychologists could be a good one. Maybe it is really a chance for recovery. That would be great....!

 

[hiddenbpd]

You are really brave!! Brave, that you talked about your suicide and brave that you are not sure what to do now. And it seems like you have a absolutely fantastic psychologist if you can talk about it without panic and the danger of psychiatric ward. That's not always possible. It's fair that she told you her personal borderline.

Do you need a fix date for suicide? You could try how it feels to go in the direction of recovery and the possibility to commit suicide is not lost forever. It seems that your psychologists could be a good one. Maybe it is really a chance for recovery. That would be great....!

Thank you . Brave is not something I consider myself, but it's nice to hear that someone else thinks so .
I mean, I guess I don't really need a fixed date. I'm just having trouble letting go of it without feeling like a failure. I thought this date was going to be it for sure (this picking a date and not attempting thing isn't new to me ).

 

[freedomcalls]

So if you are interested in reframing that… you had picked a date to 'quit' and you are worried that you will feel like a failure if you quit…. But what if the only time you know if you have 'failed' or 'won' is if you keep playing the game / running the race / fighting the war (pick your metaphor )

So I don't think you fail by not sticking to your date… I think it is INCREDIBLY brave to say "I've been this close to the edge…. And decided to keep trying"
Even when it hurts like hell.

I'm proud of you

 

[hiddenbpd]

So if you are interested in reframing that… you had picked a date to 'quit' and you are worried that you will feel like a failure if you quit…. But what if the only time you know if you have 'failed' or 'won' is if you keep playing the game / running the race / fighting the war (pick your metaphor )

So I don't think you fail by not sticking to your date… I think it is INCREDIBLY brave to say "I've been this close to the edge…. And decided to keep trying"
Even when it hurts like hell.

I'm proud of you

Thank you for your insight, kind words, and encouragement. I really appreciate the support here when I don't have it elsewhere in my life .
You've got a point. I know other people don't see it the same way as me and I guess that means I need to try to shift my perspective.

 

[noaccount]

Why are you terrified of hospitalization? Do you not trust that what is done there will be for your own good?

 

[noaccount]

After finding it okay and appropriate to talk down about everyone with lifelong trauma from psychiatric abuse, after daring to say to me:

We implement something called least invasive. If the patient takes the medication with encouragement, great no force. If they don't, the amount of force needed increases.

- and these ASSAULTS you admit to committing on these incarcerated people, that you dared to say you NEEDED to do to them- that you dared to say these people MADE you do this to them -

are you suddenly not so sure that the same force would be so appropriate if applied to you?