Weekly Recovery Thread

[OliverTreeLver]

Hello, People of SaSu! Again!
(will never get tired of writing that, just means another few months of me living)​

It has been a few months since I last wrote one of these, so I apologize for the quality. I want to track my recovery process somewhere, since I haven't been doing that for a while. Why not here! I don't exactly know what schedule I'll be writing in, but probably weekly. I'll try to be consistent. Can't promise. ANYWAYS enough ramble ramble, let's get to it!

with love, Oliver.

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New Life
"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then"
-Lewis Carroll
​

Things have changed for the better I would say. My partner and I have moved into a new apartment since the last one was only throughout the summer. This new one is pretty neat we don't have to worry about other roommates. I am a private person. I like having things that I can keep private from others. Not dealing with three other guys in one (relatively small) apartment was not as comfortable as I thought it would be. It was a bitch to earn enough money to rent the place though; we have almost missed rent payments 3 times! Learning this whole "adulting" thing is hard. Hopefully, as we keep going steady life won't crash and burn like it usually does. I enjoy my partner; they are a lot nicer than my last one. For one, they don't judge me for being me. That is pretty sweet. We both struggle a lot with identity and insecurities, so having each other nearby helps with my journey towards recovery.

I also have a full-time job, granted it is shit. I make sub sandwiches 5 times a week, 8 hours a night, cracking into the early hours of the morning (02:00:00). Thank god for my fucked sleep schedule haha. Most of the people there are alright, nobody judges me for the person I am. I think they don't care, which I am fine with. I can't say I care for them either. My boss is a bit of a freakazoid though; most fast-food bosses are though. I don't plan on staying here for long, nor am I staying in this town for long either. Thinking about the future is my favorite past-time now, about the plans I want to make. I never got the chance when I was in high school; I was too busy thinking about my mortality instead. I don't ask for too much, just a nice home and a nice spouse. Maybe a few cats to raise and care for. God, so sappy I hate it.

Final notes? Life is okay. I struggle a lot, almost daily, but things seem to work out more. I don't know what else to write about, so I'll finish with some creative writing.

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BANG! ...BANG! ...BOOM!

Awoken from his slumber, The Silent Knight arose. His armor clinked as his joints moved, making small adjustments throughout his plates. He stood at a towering seven feet, with a disgusting face hidden behind his scorched helmet. Dirt sifted off him as his legs began to move, slinking out of the divot he once laid in. Chaos raged around the small village, rugged men ran from place to place brandishing swords. The town was covered in a great smog, lights flickered from houses being burnt down to crisps. The Silent Knight waded through the war, ignoring the pleading cries from soon-to-be widows that cut the air as he passed. Stepping over the cannon fodder that lay in mess all over the ground, he continued. His sheath dragged across the limbs of the fallen, thumping as it came down against the ground. His eyes locked forward; words were amiss to him.

As the flames behind him slowly faded out of view, the knight finally stopped. He stood like stone, feet rooted into the ground. Soon, branches emerged from his metal skeleton. The sun rolled over, and time kept passing. The branches tangled and sprouted into twists and turns. Hair pushed its way through creases and cracks in the armor, slowly fading into an earthy green. Days, then weeks, he stood in silence. Seasons changed, time passed, and colorful leaves fell from the branches that bored from within. Snow fell, making a blanket that covered the rolling hills around. Heat rose, the snow melted, but there he stood. Motionless to the world around him, The Silent Knight found a new life for such a damaged soul.

 

[OliverTreeLver]

Week 2
(rambling)​

Hello! I actually did a second entry! Wow! I don't have much time since I work soon but I figured if there is anytime to write this, it is now. I don't exactly know what I want to talk about. I have done a few things over the past week that are pretty cool I'd say. I picked up my violin for the first time in a few years. Played a few pieces and tuned it. It's sound is so unique to me, I love hearing how the bow moves softly across the strings to make the chamber ring. I'm going to practice more, maybe if I get good I will upload a segment of me playing.

I also picked up creative writing again. I did my first one above, but since then I wrote a few more that I have on hand. I love getting into the mindset to write. I think there will probably be weeks where instead of posting some sort of update/blog, I would just write instead. I showed my partner some of the creative writing I did, including the piece above "The Silent Knight". They had a really interesting interpretation of it. They said that at the very beginning the knight dies and the story follows his dead soul as he travels onwards into the afterlife. I promise everyone, I had no thoughts while writing that. When I write, I get an idea and I work on it until it matches my idea. Anything past there I struggle with a lot.

Honestly, there have been some things weighing me down in the past week too. I feel stuck still, even though I am trying new things and living new experiences. I feel like, despite all my growing and changing, I am still stuck in a vicious cycle. I dread everyday that the world is going to crash and burn around me. I almost know it will, but that might just be me being silly. I am happy? I have a partner who I love and live with; yet I still don't want to exist anymore on this barren world we call earth. Sigh, that's life isn't it? I am just happy that I can suffer through it with others right now. Always value what little time there is, or else it will all go away too soon.

Sometimes, I still think about my ex. He really fucked me up, not going to lie. The other day, on Christmas, I was driving down from the cities and I went past his house. It just filled me with so much anger to see the place, a reminder to what he used to do and where I used to call home. I already had thoughts just from my short stay in the cities of doing some really, really, stupid shit. I thought about buying spray paint and vandalizing his garage door, or just other really petty shit. I decided on the final day (AKA Christmas Day), that I was only going to give him a gift. I wrapped the promise ring he bought me back before I left for college into a present and then set it in front of his door before driving off. He texted me that night about it and I blocked him. I know how much of a scumbag he is, but I feel like a scumbag too now. Weird how that works.

In other news, it is finally 2025. I never even thought I'd live to see 18, let alone the year 2025. I feel hopefully I am going to make it to 2026, at this point if I don't it won't be from my own hands. I might do some really dumb shit and die, or something reckless because of what little regard I have for my life, but I doubt I am going to take it myself. I've been thinking about death a lot, thinking about what I would want to do before I die. I know I am going to probably die young, def from drugs, so I need to live life while I have it. The other day, someone I knew died. I never thought they would, never expected it, but it happened. Ever since they died, something just felt off. Fuck I didn't even know the guy really. I just saw him around, at work and in the frat, and heard about him from friends. I think we would have made good friends, but now I never will get the chance to truly know him. Just something I think about, all the people I will never know.

Think that is about all I have on my mind right now. Sorry the whole thing is a big ramble, I just didn't care to format anything right now. Too much and too little on the mind right now. Here is some writing to close it off, I think I like closing things off with some writing. Hope you enjoy, would love to hear feedback in the comments on it. Always looking to improve. See ya'll next week :3

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Nightly Visits

Black tendrils dripped from the ceiling
Shadows danced on the walls
A black sludge in the vast room
Bubbling with coils into deep vortexes
Stains of black marred the white mattress

"Who goes there?"
A boy sat in bed
The darkness stared back in taciturn silence
Black rot reached to conflict
Ruby eyes pierced the dense atmosphere

"I am the wither akin
To the chaos born from fright
To the wolf in a sheep's skin
I sit and watch each night
As silent as mice"

The darkness bore a wide grin
The boy spoke not a peep
In the room where nobody sleeps
Sat the boy…
… and the man at the foot of his bed​

 

[OliverTreeLver]

Memories
What a cruel cruel thing​

A soft breeze blew through the office as the windows lay dormant. A bookshelf lay toppled over after a long fight. The tomes were scattered about on the floor. A small flash of light as clouds rolled across the sky, revealing the full moon that beamed across the sky. Guilt washed over his face. The room was filled with an invisible smog, so thick you could cut it with a knife. His hand slowly crept up his side towards his collar, gripping it tight. Gasping for air, but, the silence was so deafening he couldn't breathe any. The guilt of a conscience mind lay festering and brewing into something truly unfortunate. Writhing in pain, his head throbs. "What does this mean? Are we but people of constant sorrow? Must we be fodder for the pigs that we feed? Maggots that consume what they must? Are the actions justified if the change was greater? Does guilt form from the consistent desire to change our past? Why?".

Banging his hands against the frame, the last words of the past ring through the chambers of his mind. Must he be mad to have caused such sorrow? Tears rolled down his cheeks as he gasped. The air was fleeting. He must deserve this for the pain he has caused. The lives he used. He dragged them through hell, making them face the demons of the night. A constant cycle of instability. Ups and downs that gave way to a consistent numbness that flooded their lives. Pain lost its feeling. Days turned to weeks. Abuse rots deep. Was he truly guilty of all of it? The cuts and scars on his body serve as a reminder. Too broken to accept it, too weak to deny it; it was a cycle of mental gymnastics. He had to be guilty, for nobody that perfect could be that cruel.

A knock from his chamber door broke the silence. He paused, collecting himself in the moment to make haste. "Hello?" He inquired, slowly opening the door. Nobody. He must be going mad, he knew it to be true. Nothing felt the same since. Something was missing.

---

Soft bow strokes hit the strings as a drowning melody swirls through the room. Nothing means forever and forever means goodbye. His frail arms dance as he twists around his chaos. Tears pelt the floor during a dip, smoothing the bumps as he crescendos. His toes picado across the wooden floors. A sob. Swaying back and forth in rhythm to the violin's mournful wails. Feelings well up inside him, bursting out in a symphony of colors as his fingers fiddled. His dark crescent walls light up in shades of blue and red. Anger and sadness bellow from his throat as his cries turn to screams of pain and hurt. He drops to the floor, letting his instrument loose from his grip. He lies amid the chaos of his madness. Lost to the act of time, wishing for his second chance.