sonax22
god
- Mar 25, 2019
- 68
flashback to my first attempt at 11, pillsss and lots of further attempts with pillss
I'm 23 now and I'm so frustrated
I've been through so many phases, I've changed in many ways, but I never not wanted to ctb
ever since I was a child, its always been on my mind
that's why looking back, I feel so angry and frustrated on the fact that I'm STILL here
I can try other methods but the matter of the fact, all I'm being is a lil bitch, I'm weak willed and a coward
And I love myself, I really do. and I've come a long way to love myself after hating my guts for half my life. its one of the reasons I wanna ctb so bad, I cant let myself keep living in misery like this
I got a job interview invitation today and this is what triggered me coming back here. all it reminds me of, is that I'm still alive and there's a future for me. this is not what I want, I feel like ripping my skin off because how much I cant stand being alive. and the sad thing is, I have lots of passions and lust for life but my issues and family situation, make them seem like only for daydreaming, so everything that makes want to live is purely just unrealistic.
I've never been diagnosed, I don't know what's wrong with me. I can go on for days talking about how my mental issues are killing me everyday, and I cant tell anyone about them.
I wake up and go through every emotion known to man, my mood swings are very frequent and come in intensities, they get triggered by minor changes in routine/ sounds/ certain people and sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL. I'm starting to forget most of my days and my impulsivity is unbearable. my eating disorder issues turned purely addictive and I'm dreading every day because of it. I am an impulsive spender with bulimic tendencies, between large amounts of food that run out in a few hours, to packets and packets of laxatives. Self harm became addictive in all of its forms, for the pure pleasure and routine rather than a reactionary thing anymore.
I live with my family and I do around 90% of the house work, I'm so tired, I wanted to live alone ever since I was a child, call me a bad person but I feel nothing for my family and I never did even when I was little, its not hate, its indifference. I'm stuck pretending to be a good daughter and my mask is slowly coming off, as my mental issues are getting worse and harder to hide. I stay in my room most of my day now and only come out to cook and clean. being a person is exhausting and in conclusion IM TIRED.
I don't know what to do, I was hoping for the longest time that my eating disorder would kill me eventually. as I'm here typing this. chest pains, nausea and heart palpitations are wild, but id lie if I say I don't experience them often. I guess my body is too used to me abusing it in all ways possible, it always finds a way to keep me alive until now and it makes me so angry.
I'm just so frustrated, I wish I was brave enough to actually ctb with any method from here, but the idea of me surviving it, is fueling my anxiety to the max. I'm so tired I want out so bad. and I don't know how long I can pretend I'm normal
I'm 23 now and I'm so frustrated
I've been through so many phases, I've changed in many ways, but I never not wanted to ctb
ever since I was a child, its always been on my mind
that's why looking back, I feel so angry and frustrated on the fact that I'm STILL here
I can try other methods but the matter of the fact, all I'm being is a lil bitch, I'm weak willed and a coward
And I love myself, I really do. and I've come a long way to love myself after hating my guts for half my life. its one of the reasons I wanna ctb so bad, I cant let myself keep living in misery like this
I got a job interview invitation today and this is what triggered me coming back here. all it reminds me of, is that I'm still alive and there's a future for me. this is not what I want, I feel like ripping my skin off because how much I cant stand being alive. and the sad thing is, I have lots of passions and lust for life but my issues and family situation, make them seem like only for daydreaming, so everything that makes want to live is purely just unrealistic.
I've never been diagnosed, I don't know what's wrong with me. I can go on for days talking about how my mental issues are killing me everyday, and I cant tell anyone about them.
I wake up and go through every emotion known to man, my mood swings are very frequent and come in intensities, they get triggered by minor changes in routine/ sounds/ certain people and sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL. I'm starting to forget most of my days and my impulsivity is unbearable. my eating disorder issues turned purely addictive and I'm dreading every day because of it. I am an impulsive spender with bulimic tendencies, between large amounts of food that run out in a few hours, to packets and packets of laxatives. Self harm became addictive in all of its forms, for the pure pleasure and routine rather than a reactionary thing anymore.
I live with my family and I do around 90% of the house work, I'm so tired, I wanted to live alone ever since I was a child, call me a bad person but I feel nothing for my family and I never did even when I was little, its not hate, its indifference. I'm stuck pretending to be a good daughter and my mask is slowly coming off, as my mental issues are getting worse and harder to hide. I stay in my room most of my day now and only come out to cook and clean. being a person is exhausting and in conclusion IM TIRED.
I don't know what to do, I was hoping for the longest time that my eating disorder would kill me eventually. as I'm here typing this. chest pains, nausea and heart palpitations are wild, but id lie if I say I don't experience them often. I guess my body is too used to me abusing it in all ways possible, it always finds a way to keep me alive until now and it makes me so angry.
I'm just so frustrated, I wish I was brave enough to actually ctb with any method from here, but the idea of me surviving it, is fueling my anxiety to the max. I'm so tired I want out so bad. and I don't know how long I can pretend I'm normal