Venting We broke up

[everlastinghistory]

I know if I message him right now, I'll regret everything I say. I'll probably get blocked and never be able to talk to him again. I lived that once already, I can't again. So instead, I'm here.

He didn't cut off contact, or block me. But he did say he just wants to be friends. That the distance between us (we're in different continents) isn't something he can handle right now.

Don't get me wrong, I get that he's allowed to have feelings. I know I can't force him to stay in a relationship he can't handle. Especially considering he's dealing with a lot of other stuff right now.

I know I should just be thankful we're not on bad terms but I just know we will be if I ever talk to him first. If I talk to him without him starting the conversation I will make the same bullshit mistakes I made with a girl in February who ended up going no contact with me because of what I did and said.

I love him. I really do. He literally saved me. Both in terms of saving my life and just getting me out of a really fucking bad place mentally.

But now I feel like I'm exactly where I was in February when that girl first blocked me. Like none of the progress I made matters anymore.

Sure, I didn't threaten him to stay with me and I didn't ignore his feelings for my own. But that doesn't matter. Even if I'm finally capable of treating someone properly, it doesn't matter. I finally reached a point of believing I could be loved. Of being capable of putting someone I loves feelings before my own. Of genuinely being able to feel bad for someone and of finally feeling truly safe with someone.

But absolutely none of it matters. Cause I don't have that anymore.

I may have the capacity to feel those things but it's not- I don't have the person who made me gain the capacity for those things. He's not gone, as I said we have contact still, but it's not how it was to lead to those things. I can't feel those things for other people.

I honestly don't think I'm ever gonna date someone else. He's perfect. If soulmates are real then I am 100% certain he's mine. He is absolutely everything I've ever dreamed of and so much more.

I think the thing hurting the most is I can't even do anything about it. I didn't cause this. It's not my fault. But if it's not my fault then I can't fix it. I want to be able to fix it.

He still feels the same about me as he did before. As I said: It's the distance that's the problem. That, and a lot of other stuff I won't get into because that's his business and I have no business posting it online.

I've tried to convince myself that if I were to move closer to him maybe it would change things. But really I'm starting to feel like this is the beginning of being ditched.

This is exactly how it started with that girl who blocked me in February.

It started with a message saying she couldn't handle the distance, but we could still talk.

If I lose him completely I will genuinely lose everything I have. And that's why I can't talk to him right now. Because I am damn near certain I would accidentally threaten to kms. But the thing is: I don't think it'd even be a threat if I did. It'd be a fact. I truly believe I will do it if I lose him completely. I will have nothing left. He is all I have. He's the only reason I'm alive right now.

I'm trying not to think negatively but it's pretty close to impossible when you've already lived this with someone else and know exactly where the story goes.

I'll spend months trying to learn his native language, researching visas and all sorts of stuff. Still holding hope that it'd fix things. Then when I least expect it: I'll be blocked without a word. Left with nothing but a weird affinity for a foreign country and my thoughts.

I've done this before. I know that's how it ends. It ends in me dying. I said that last time too, but the only reason it wasn't true was because I met him. Nobody else will ever be as perfect as he is. He is literally so perfect it almost feels fake. He is exactly what I've always dreamed of and I love him more than I know how to express. I won't find someone that stops me again. It was just a weird coincidence that he came along when he did.

Realistically it's already over. It's only a matter of months before I'm back on a suicide mission. I might as well already start writing a note and planning. It's bound to happen eventually anyway.

I know it's not my fault. This time I actually did do everything I was supposed to. But that's never gonna change the fact that I am nothing without him.

So, I guess I'm reliving what I dealt with before. I'll spent a few months obsessing over language learning and figuring out how to move. Then it'll become pointless and I'll be on a suicide mission.

There's only one ending to this unless the universe decides it REALLY likes me. I've accepted it. I accepted it a long time ago, actually. But now it's almost a reality, and that's something different to accept.

 

[hellispink]

I think you would be wasting your time thinking he could come back. When they end things like that, it is sure that they have someone else already. People put whatever excuse when they want to replace you. Distance sucks, I have been there but if you truly love you dont abandon simply as that he would have fought for you but you werent enough for him to stay. Waiting or begging wont make you enough for him at all, it will just destroy you more. Obviously he wont tell you he found someone else or that he is attracted to someone else because he doesnt wanna hurt you, but its just how it probably is. And the faster you accept it the better it will be.

 

[everlastinghistory]

I think you would be wasting your time thinking he could come back. When they end things like that, it is sure that they have someone else already. People put whatever excuse when they want to replace you. Distance sucks, I have been there but if you truly love you dont abandon simply as that he would have fought for you but you werent enough for him to stay. Waiting or begging wont make you enough for him at all, it will just destroy you more. Obviously he wont tell you he found someone else or that he is attracted to someone else because he doesnt wanna hurt you, but its just how it probably is. And the faster you accept it the better it will be.

You entirely misunderstood that post. Damn. He didn't "abandon me" at all. In fact he literally said that if it became more realistic for it to progress to less distance he would be willing to get back together.

As I said: He's dealing with a lot right now. And I mean it. So much so that I was paranoid to post that because he might be on this site too and I didn't want him to see it because he'd know it was about him and feel worse when that's the exact opposite of what I want.

He didn't find someone else. He needs to handle his own issues before he can handle the responsibility of a relationship.

The problem isn't that he doesn't like me. The problem is that he can't handle a relationship right now when he can hardly even handle himself.

 

[Yaffle]

Sorry you're in such an emotional crisis. I can only hope you found it slightly cathartic to write it all down for us.

I'll be honest and please don't shoot me down for this; I can't help feel you want a better life more than you want to CTB. If that's the case you should seek help on the recovery board.

People find themselves on SaSu for a many varied reasons and I promise you're not the only broken heart here.

Stay strong and don't do anything rushed, you should consider this rationally.