Ways of making peace with dying

[windingdown]

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that the psychological process of making peace with things is a big part of what enables people to initiate and endure the dying part.

I'd like to share some ways of thinking about death and dying that have been helping me to make my peace. They are personal to my mind and life context, yes, but perhaps some of them will resonate with others, too. If they lend support or comfort to anyone, then the sharing is worthwhile.

For context, I am 31/F.

For info, I am not seeking advice here, and certainly no pro-life commentary (maybe there's hope for you, etc).

(1) Whether death comes by suicide or naturally, nearly every person needs to come to terms with death in their lifetime. This process is not just for those who want to catch the bus. If I were 75 and dying of cancer, I would still feel my heart wringing in my chest listening to my favorite choral music, feeling its beauty and the pending loss of it at the same time, aware of its inability to save me: either from death, or depression. I would still need to make my peace with leaving behind the things that feel good or beautiful in life, like old buildings and mountain vistas, and endure the sense of tragedy that I must cease to experience the good things anymore (minute as they've become in my reality).

(2) Death is scary for nearly everyone, and often painful. This isn't unique to the suicidal. I've watched 3 movies lately (all of which I recommend), which involve health problems and the protagonist dying prematurely: Me Before You, Breathe, and You're Not You. All of them (especially Breathe & You're Not You) face hospitalizations and death scares and physical pain, and a huge amount of uncertainty over how death will come about, and how it will feel. Will your lungs fill with fluid and you'll drown? Will you be gasping for air, asphyxiated? Will you be suffering in pain? Will it drag out for hours? And will you be suffering for years beforehand with age-related decline, eg with dementia or a motor disease?

Everyone wants to die in their sleep. This is why a lot of old people, eg through Exit International, want to take the end of their lives into their own hands. They've had the fortitude to make it to old age (unlike many of us), but even at that stage of life, there is plenty of fear about what a natural end will be like. Since natural death (the apparent panacea that we're meant to hold out for) is often scary and painful, and highly uncertain, suicide can provide a quicker, less painful death when a person is ready. I feel it can help to recognize that even many older people are facing many of the logistical end-of-life questions that young suicidal people face, and all the fear surrounding them. We could live to old age, and still end up at this point.

(3) I think a lot of the emotion I've experienced, as I've edged toward suicide over the past 15 months, is really just pure grief: grief over losing the good things I had before. I could have lived till 65 successfully, beautifully, and then everything could have fallen apart then: financially, with my health, etc. And I would be thrown into the reality of grieving what I had lost, at 65 instead of 31: the change for the worse in my circumstances, and the reality that I could never recover what I (or my life) had previously been. Would it be so much easier, just because I was 65? Probably not. It's a hard road to walk either way.

There is a good article here on grieving when you develop a chronic illness or injury, but I think it applies to any change for the worse in circumstances, when you cannot recover your old life; and when you don't know how to live your new one, or whether you can:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Related to (3), I think much of what I've been grieving is actually just getting older. It started out as grieving the me I had lost to mental illness last year: my brilliant brain, my career, and so on. But by now there are too many things that have changed, mentally and physically, that aren't due to mental illness, but just to getting older. They overwhelm me; they are just, quite literally, too much to bear. This is aging? Get me out of here.

For one, I experience grief over losing my unusual beauty. (I am only 31, it is not all gone, but it has taken an enormous hit - especially with severe hair loss.) People who are physically beautiful may understand the unique joy of being beautiful in life, even without being really aware of it, how it shapes your outlook and interactions with the world. Losing that, you lose much of who you have always been. Life becomes dreary and mundane. Without beauty, what is it all for? I don't judge other people's physicality, but it feels that way for myself.

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

It's like there's this whole package of being a certain age, having certain qualities of mind and body; and when those things fall away over time, there is just this great emptiness in its place. Just about everything I've loved and have lived for is no longer present. Again, what is left? Just - nothing. Not enough to sustain a life, certainly.

I honestly don't know how people go on through their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. How do they bear getting older? (I also think my life was so good from 19-30, that there is a veritable chasm between its content then and today; and the contrast has knocked me out flat.)

(5) A further part of grief, for me, is the grief that life cannot be truly beautiful. I always thought that it could - I anticipated a great future, replete with a lovely historic home, a fascinating career, etc. But then, I was in my 20s, and there was that 'whole life package' going on in that decade. Remove the lovely pieces, and there is no lovely life. This realization has come as a shock to my system.

Anyhow, to sum up my thoughts regarding grief, I think it is all rather part of the human experience. It is not unique to me, nor to the suicidal per se. Many people are miraculously able to live with such grief - as many who read the 'grieving chronic illness/injury' article will inevitably do. I, myself, cannot. For me it is a chronic grief, unrelenting, and it makes life unliveable to me.

It makes me feel more peaceful to realize that a big part of my suicidality is actually grief over the human condition, in this sense, and my inability to accept it and live on in the midst of that pain.

(6) I think the most important thing, when choosing a method, is to choose one that (a) is reliable, and (b) you can bring yourself to do. It doesn't matter how flawless it is, if you cannot bring yourself to do it. And be as gentle with yourself as you can around it. I'm not going to wake up early to do it anymore, and give myself an alarm to dread; I'll do it at my own pace, get everything ordered, not rush myself. Ease into it. Just whatever makes it feel doable, and as comfortable as possible. I wish I could stuff chocolates into my mouth after I have drunk it, the way people are allowed to do with Nembutal. Hey, maybe I will allow myself just one. I like that.

(7) As far as what comes after death, I think that what provides the most courage to carry out the act is just letting yourself believe whatever feels most comforting. A perfect reality? Non-existence? Reuniting with loved ones? I technically believe we are biological accidents, and non-existence is our ultimate end. But for now, I'm allowing myself to believe in a perfect world of my making, populated by all my favorite people. No doubt I will draw on this 'in the moment' to make me feel stronger.

Perhaps I'll add in some personal mythology about catching the Knight Bus from Harry Potter there. Why not?

(8) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OW3mj0MfD4EWzMDll4CDlHxZ6ebm7U-4/view

(9) I have a running Word doc going that is my suicide note. I've been amending it a bit every day. It's helping me feel better about responding to people's emotions, and setting my affairs in order. I recommend this approach - it's very settling. I will print it just before, after I have taken my anti-emetics, to give me something to do.

One of my favorite songs:


EDIT: I added point 7 and fixed the numbering : )

 

[Smilla]

This is an incredibly rich post, thank you for taking the time to write—you have a clarity of thought about death that I admire.

An enormous part of my desire to ctb is also grief for the human condition as you put it. I feel "woke", and wonder what the hell I was doing all of those years as I went to work, seemingly oblivious to the suffering all around me—near and far.

 

[windingdown]

This is an incredibly rich post, thank you for taking the time to write—you have a clarity of thought about death that I admire.

An enormous part of my desire to ctb is also grief for the human condition as you put it. I feel "woke", and wonder what the hell I was doing all of those years as I went to work, seemingly oblivious to the suffering all around me—near and far.

Thank you for reading it, and replying!

I am spending a lot of time thinking about these issues now. Any sort of psychological trickery to get myself over the hump is welcome at this stage.

I hear you on looking back and wondering at your past life. How was I able to maintain such a level of well-being for 30 years? (some bouts of depression, but well-being overall.) I was engaged; I took life very seriously. But when you reach your turning point, it feels like being in a separate world. The former one can never be recovered.

 

[45ready2ctb]

So beautifully put. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Shay]

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that the psychological process of making peace with things is a big part of what enables people to initiate and endure the dying part.

I'd like to share some ways of thinking about death and dying that have been helping me to make my peace. They are personal to my mind and life context, yes, but perhaps some of them will resonate with others, too. If they lend support or comfort to anyone, then the sharing is worthwhile.

For context, I am 31/F.

For info, I am not seeking advice here, and certainly no pro-life commentary (maybe there's hope for you, etc).

(1) Whether death comes by suicide or naturally, nearly every person needs to come to terms with death in their lifetime. This process is not just for those who want to catch the bus. If I were 75 and dying of cancer, I would still feel my heart wringing in my chest listening to my favorite choral music, feeling its beauty and the pending loss of it at the same time, aware of its inability to save me: either from death, or depression. I would still need to make my peace with leaving behind the things that feel good or beautiful in life, like old buildings and mountain vistas, and endure the sense of tragedy that I must cease to experience the good things anymore (minute as they've become in my reality).

(2) Death is scary for nearly everyone, and often painful. This isn't unique to the suicidal. I've watched 3 movies lately (all of which I recommend), which involve health problems and the protagonist dying prematurely: Me Before You, Breathe, and You're Not You. All of them (especially Breathe & You're Not You) face hospitalizations and death scares and physical pain, and a huge amount of uncertainty over how death will come about, and how it will feel. Will your lungs fill with fluid and you'll drown? Will you be gasping for air, asphyxiated? Will you be suffering in pain? Will it drag out for hours? And will you be suffering for years beforehand with age-related decline, eg with dementia or a motor disease?

Everyone wants to die in their sleep. This is why a lot of old people, eg through Exit International, want to take the end of their lives into their own hands. They've had the fortitude to make it to old age (unlike many of us), but even at that stage of life, there is plenty of fear about what a natural end will be like. Since natural death (the apparent panacea that we're meant to hold out for) is often scary and painful, and highly uncertain, suicide can provide a quicker, less painful death when a person is ready. I feel it can help to recognize that even many older people are facing many of the logistical end-of-life questions that young suicidal people face, and all the fear surrounding them. We could live to old age, and still end up at this point.

(3) I think a lot of the emotion I've experienced, as I've edged toward suicide over the past 15 months, is really just pure grief: grief over losing the good things I had before. I could have lived till 65 successfully, beautifully, and then everything could have fallen apart then: financially, with my health, etc. And I would be thrown into the reality of grieving what I had lost, at 65 instead of 31: the change for the worse in my circumstances, and the reality that I could never recover what I (or my life) had previously been. Would it be so much easier, just because I was 65? Probably not. It's a hard road to walk either way.

There is a good article here on grieving when you develop a chronic illness or injury, but I think it applies to any change for the worse in circumstances, when you cannot recover your old life; and when you don't know how to live your new one, or whether you can:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Related to (3), I think much of what I've been grieving is actually just getting older. It started out as grieving the me I had lost to mental illness last year: my brilliant brain, my career, and so on. But by now there are too many things that have changed, mentally and physically, that aren't due to mental illness, but just to getting older. They overwhelm me; they are just, quite literally, too much to bear. This is aging? Get me out of here.

For one, I experience grief over losing my unusual beauty. (I am only 31, it is not all gone, but it has taken an enormous hit - especially with severe hair loss.) People who are physically beautiful may understand the unique joy of being beautiful in life, even without being really aware of it, how it shapes your outlook and interactions with the world. Losing that, you lose much of who you have always been. Life becomes dreary and mundane. Without beauty, what is it all for? I don't judge other people's physicality, but it feels that way for myself.

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

It's like there's this whole package of being a certain age, having certain qualities of mind and body; and when those things fall away over time, there is just this great emptiness in its place. Just about everything I've loved and have lived for is no longer present. Again, what is left? Just - nothing. Not enough to sustain a life, certainly.

I honestly don't know how people go on through their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. How do they bear getting older? (I also think my life was so good from 19-30, that there is a veritable chasm between its content then and today; and the contrast has knocked me out flat.)

(5) A further part of grief, for me, is the grief that life cannot be truly beautiful. I always thought that it could - I anticipated a great future, replete with a lovely historic home, a fascinating career, etc. But then, I was in my 20s, and there was that 'whole life package' going on in that decade. Remove the lovely pieces, and there is no lovely life. This realization has come as a shock to my system.

Anyhow, to sum up my thoughts regarding grief, I think it is all rather part of the human experience. It is not unique to me, nor to the suicidal per se. Many people are miraculously able to live with such grief - as many who read the 'grieving chronic illness/injury' article will inevitably do. I, myself, cannot. For me it is a chronic grief, unrelenting, and it makes life unliveable to me.

It makes me feel more peaceful to realize that a big part of my suicidality is actually grief over the human condition, in this sense, and my inability to accept it and live on in the midst of that pain.

(6) I think the most important thing, when choosing a method, is to choose one that is (a) reliable, and (b) one that you can bring yourself to do. It doesn't matter how flawless it is, if you cannot bring yourself to do it. And be as gentle with yourself as you can around it. I'm not going to wake up early anymore, and give myself an alarm to dread; I'll do it at my own pace, get everything ordered, not rush myself. Ease into it. Just whatever makes it feel doable, and as comfortable as possible. I wish I could stuff chocolates into my mouth after I have drunk it, the way people are allowed to do with Nembutal. Hey, maybe I will allow myself just one. I like that.

(6) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OW3mj0MfD4EWzMDll4CDlHxZ6ebm7U-4/view

(7) I have a running Word doc going that is my suicide note. I've been amending it a bit every day. It's helping me feel better about responding to people's emotions, and setting my affairs in order. I recommend this approach - it's very settling. I will print it just before, after I have taken my anti-emetics, to give me something to do.

One of my favorite songs:

You beautifully stated the words floating in my head. The whole ... if this was 65... I think about this all the time. I needed 20 more years of my old life. When you know beauty and lose it, That's devastating. Again beauty in perception of self because that's what matters. I hear you re grief over the human condition. The people in my life can't understand that I would like to end my life because I can't stand to live without the condition I imagined my life to be. The loss is painful and I can't recover. That doesn't make me weak. It makes me human. I've always been someone who values quality over quantity and if I can't make my world livable then I have to change that. I'm not a Martyr nor am I stupid or naive. I lived life to the fullest and if that's not possible I'd rather not live at all. Thank you for the post. It captured my thoughts so perfectly

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experience to the forum! I enjoyed reading it despite having a migraine! I had to push through it because your post was just that good (edit:) and I needed tips and tricks on how to make peace with dying, this helped tremendously. Points 1,2, very true... Death is inevitable but nothing can prepare a person for it. Points 3,4,5, really pulled a heart string for me. Point 6, you have two point 6! Point 7, If that's how your post looks like, I'm curious how your suicide note is looking!

 

[blueming]

I loved reading this. thank you. I like your views on death and you gave really good advice for others. It's very relatable and touching :)

 

[lostinthedream]

This post should be a sticky... I know I am going to return to it time and again...

 

[Ben]

Wow. Incredible post, one of the best I've seen on this forum. Thank you for taking the time to write all of this. It's very appreciated. I'm kind of left speechless as to what to say. You just summed everything up so well.

I would gladly read more of your writing, and I hope I get to see another post like this from you before I go.

10/10

 

[windingdown]

Thank you all very much for reading, and for your kind comments. I'm feeling the unique satisfaction that comes from causing people to feel moved (like the boys and young men in the video above might feel from moving people like me). It is the reason I wrote it. If I can provide a shortcut to some of the more useful thoughts I've grappled with this past year, and so ease things a bit for others, I am happy. It is hard enough already.

I've updated my avatar to be the Knight Bus from Harry Potter - it's fitting, and perfect for me.

 

[Ryukil93]

I read your post...I too used to be more attractive and one of my major issues is hair loss in my 20s (I'm a guy). I think if I had a perfect head of hair I would be more willing to stick around - it seems so shallow that this would push me over the edge, but it's really everything combined. I have severe OCD, am unemployed. If I could solve my problems I would want to live, but...the clock is ticking. I'll be 26 in about 6 months...people expect you to have accomplished certain things by 26 and I don't even have my bachelor's degree. Everything has become too much.

However, when I actually get down to trying to hang myself, I chicken out. Overcoming the survival instinct is definitely scary. Which is the main reason I read your post. I need to somehow come to peace with my death...to really come to peace with it. Then I also have a religious upbringing and am afraid of the eternal consequences. But yeah. I don't want to get "old" either, I hear you. I always told myself if I didn't get over my anxiety by age 30 then I would commit suicide. However, another 4 1/2 years seems way too long to me...I really feel like I'm coming to the end of my life, and in theory I'm totally okay with that.

 

[unoriginal]

Wow, I could have written this myself (actually, no, my writing could never be so eloquent and coherent). Seriously, it's is incredibly comforting and gratifying that someone else have had the same very specific ideas and come to the same conclusions on this subject. The grieving of who you used to be, the allowing yourself to have one last fantasy, all these feel so familiar.
Can you expound on point 5, what did realization that life could never be as beautiful you imagined involve for you?
Also, if it's not too private, what happened to you that made you lose your career etc?

 

[whatmattersmost]

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that the psychological process of making peace with things is a big part of what enables people to initiate and endure the dying part.

I'd like to share some ways of thinking about death and dying that have been helping me to make my peace. They are personal to my mind and life context, yes, but perhaps some of them will resonate with others, too. If they lend support or comfort to anyone, then the sharing is worthwhile.

For context, I am 31/F.

For info, I am not seeking advice here, and certainly no pro-life commentary (maybe there's hope for you, etc).

(1) Whether death comes by suicide or naturally, nearly every person needs to come to terms with death in their lifetime. This process is not just for those who want to catch the bus. If I were 75 and dying of cancer, I would still feel my heart wringing in my chest listening to my favorite choral music, feeling its beauty and the pending loss of it at the same time, aware of its inability to save me: either from death, or depression. I would still need to make my peace with leaving behind the things that feel good or beautiful in life, like old buildings and mountain vistas, and endure the sense of tragedy that I must cease to experience the good things anymore (minute as they've become in my reality).

(2) Death is scary for nearly everyone, and often painful. This isn't unique to the suicidal. I've watched 3 movies lately (all of which I recommend), which involve health problems and the protagonist dying prematurely: Me Before You, Breathe, and You're Not You. All of them (especially Breathe & You're Not You) face hospitalizations and death scares and physical pain, and a huge amount of uncertainty over how death will come about, and how it will feel. Will your lungs fill with fluid and you'll drown? Will you be gasping for air, asphyxiated? Will you be suffering in pain? Will it drag out for hours? And will you be suffering for years beforehand with age-related decline, eg with dementia or a motor disease?

Everyone wants to die in their sleep. This is why a lot of old people, eg through Exit International, want to take the end of their lives into their own hands. They've had the fortitude to make it to old age (unlike many of us), but even at that stage of life, there is plenty of fear about what a natural end will be like. Since natural death (the apparent panacea that we're meant to hold out for) is often scary and painful, and highly uncertain, suicide can provide a quicker, less painful death when a person is ready. I feel it can help to recognize that even many older people are facing many of the logistical end-of-life questions that young suicidal people face, and all the fear surrounding them. We could live to old age, and still end up at this point.

(3) I think a lot of the emotion I've experienced, as I've edged toward suicide over the past 15 months, is really just pure grief: grief over losing the good things I had before. I could have lived till 65 successfully, beautifully, and then everything could have fallen apart then: financially, with my health, etc. And I would be thrown into the reality of grieving what I had lost, at 65 instead of 31: the change for the worse in my circumstances, and the reality that I could never recover what I (or my life) had previously been. Would it be so much easier, just because I was 65? Probably not. It's a hard road to walk either way.

There is a good article here on grieving when you develop a chronic illness or injury, but I think it applies to any change for the worse in circumstances, when you cannot recover your old life; and when you don't know how to live your new one, or whether you can:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Related to (3), I think much of what I've been grieving is actually just getting older. It started out as grieving the me I had lost to mental illness last year: my brilliant brain, my career, and so on. But by now there are too many things that have changed, mentally and physically, that aren't due to mental illness, but just to getting older. They overwhelm me; they are just, quite literally, too much to bear. This is aging? Get me out of here.

For one, I experience grief over losing my unusual beauty. (I am only 31, it is not all gone, but it has taken an enormous hit - especially with severe hair loss.) People who are physically beautiful may understand the unique joy of being beautiful in life, even without being really aware of it, how it shapes your outlook and interactions with the world. Losing that, you lose much of who you have always been. Life becomes dreary and mundane. Without beauty, what is it all for? I don't judge other people's physicality, but it feels that way for myself.

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

It's like there's this whole package of being a certain age, having certain qualities of mind and body; and when those things fall away over time, there is just this great emptiness in its place. Just about everything I've loved and have lived for is no longer present. Again, what is left? Just - nothing. Not enough to sustain a life, certainly.

I honestly don't know how people go on through their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. How do they bear getting older? (I also think my life was so good from 19-30, that there is a veritable chasm between its content then and today; and the contrast has knocked me out flat.)

(5) A further part of grief, for me, is the grief that life cannot be truly beautiful. I always thought that it could - I anticipated a great future, replete with a lovely historic home, a fascinating career, etc. But then, I was in my 20s, and there was that 'whole life package' going on in that decade. Remove the lovely pieces, and there is no lovely life. This realization has come as a shock to my system.

Anyhow, to sum up my thoughts regarding grief, I think it is all rather part of the human experience. It is not unique to me, nor to the suicidal per se. Many people are miraculously able to live with such grief - as many who read the 'grieving chronic illness/injury' article will inevitably do. I, myself, cannot. For me it is a chronic grief, unrelenting, and it makes life unliveable to me.

It makes me feel more peaceful to realize that a big part of my suicidality is actually grief over the human condition, in this sense, and my inability to accept it and live on in the midst of that pain.

(6) I think the most important thing, when choosing a method, is to choose one that (a) is reliable, and (b) you can bring yourself to do. It doesn't matter how flawless it is, if you cannot bring yourself to do it. And be as gentle with yourself as you can around it. I'm not going to wake up early to do it anymore, and give myself an alarm to dread; I'll do it at my own pace, get everything ordered, not rush myself. Ease into it. Just whatever makes it feel doable, and as comfortable as possible. I wish I could stuff chocolates into my mouth after I have drunk it, the way people are allowed to do with Nembutal. Hey, maybe I will allow myself just one. I like that.

(7) As far as what comes after death, I think that what provides the most courage to carry out the act is just letting yourself believe whatever feels most comforting. A perfect reality? Non-existence? Reuniting with loved ones? I technically believe we are biological accidents, and non-existence is our ultimate end. But for now, I'm allowing myself to believe in a perfect world of my making, populated by all my favorite people. No doubt I will draw on this 'in the moment' to make me feel stronger.

Perhaps I'll add in some personal mythology about catching the Knight Bus from Harry Potter there. Why not?

(8) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OW3mj0MfD4EWzMDll4CDlHxZ6ebm7U-4/view

(9) I have a running Word doc going that is my suicide note. I've been amending it a bit every day. It's helping me feel better about responding to people's emotions, and setting my affairs in order. I recommend this approach - it's very settling. I will print it just before, after I have taken my anti-emetics, to give me something to do.

One of my favorite songs:


EDIT: I added point 7 and fixed the numbering : )

I feel that losing everything at 65 being the same at 31 statement.
I'm in my 30's & feel that same way almost.
Why build everything back when my mental health issues won't let me keep anything good because have self Sabotage Myself my entire life.
Hanging tmrw.

 

[windingdown]

I read your post...I too used to be more attractive and one of my major issues is hair loss in my 20s (I'm a guy). I think if I had a perfect head of hair I would be more willing to stick around - it seems so shallow that this would push me over the edge, but it's really everything combined. I have severe OCD, am unemployed. If I could solve my problems I would want to live, but...the clock is ticking. I'll be 26 in about 6 months...people expect you to have accomplished certain things by 26 and I don't even have my bachelor's degree. Everything has become too much.

However, when I actually get down to trying to hang myself, I chicken out. Overcoming the survival instinct is definitely scary. Which is the main reason I read your post. I need to somehow come to peace with my death...to really come to peace with it. Then I also have a religious upbringing and am afraid of the eternal consequences. But yeah. I don't want to get "old" either, I hear you. I always told myself if I didn't get over my anxiety by age 30 then I would commit suicide. However, another 4 1/2 years seems way too long to me...I really feel like I'm coming to the end of my life, and in theory I'm totally okay with that.

The hair loss is what pushes me over the edge, so I can definitely understand that. I think the issue is far more conceptual and profound than what the 'shallow' idea of just 'hair loss' implies - as we've both touched on. I may think, 'oh well perhaps I can stay around and do this or that' - primarily, working on death with dignity issues in society. There could be a future for me in that. And then I think, 'yeah, without hair?' I just can't.

I think most people would prefer to be well, rather than die. But some then think, if I cannot be well, then I would rather die. I won't live in this horrid state.

 

[windingdown]

But yeah. I don't want to get "old" either, I hear you. I always told myself if I didn't get over my anxiety by age 30 then I would commit suicide. However, another 4 1/2 years seems way too long to me...I really feel like I'm coming to the end of my life, and in theory I'm totally okay with that.

Regarding my age, I also think of how different young poets, writers etc have killed themselves in the 25-30 age range. Like them perhaps, I prefer the 'life in your years', not 'years in your life' approach. We're all just different. I wish this was a public discussion in society, and that different orientations toward life were respected.

 

[lostinthedream]

Regarding my age, I also think of how different young poets, writers etc have killed themselves in the 25-30 age range. Like them perhaps, I prefer the 'life in your years', not 'years in your life' approach. We're all just different. I wish this was a public discussion in society, and that different orientations toward life were respected.

It's still several years off, but I feel we are evolving toward it. Ultimately there will be a greater freedom and acceptance of personal freedom of choice as to the direction of our lives. We're getting there, I'm sorry we're not quite there yet..

 

[windingdown]

Wow, I could have written this myself (actually, no, my writing could never be so eloquent and coherent). Seriously, it's is incredibly comforting and gratifying that someone else have had the same very specific ideas and come to the same conclusions on this subject. The grieving of who you used to be, the allowing yourself to have one last fantasy, all these feel so familiar.
Can you expound on point 5, what did realization that life could never be as beautiful you imagined involve for you?
Also, if it's not too private, what happened to you that made you lose your career etc?

I'm so glad you found it comforting and gratifying : ) About point 5, it's the idea I mention of removing the lovely pieces, and suddenly there's no lovely life. Part of what made life quite beautiful in my 20s was that it contained lots of beautiful pieces. I was part of those pieces - my appearance, my mind, my deep engagement with life. I've lost parts of those things in ways that have torn the rug out from under me; and by this point, it can't be put back.

Regarding career etc, I developed a mental illness in late 2016 (schizoaffective disorder) mainly oriented around bouts of psychosis. Try keeping your golden (or any) career going when you're psychotic for months at a time :D I have been hospitalized 6 times in the past 1 1/2 years, to get effective treatment to bring me out of acute episodes (I am not anti psych wards like many people here, because they have really helped or saved me). And after my first 3 hospitalizations last year, I just collapsed internally and found myself suicidal. I became anhedonic, losing my interest in the things that had formerly fascinated me, and my will to pursue the things I had worked very hard for. I became a drifter. It's no one's fault, really; just biology meets circumstances.

 

[windingdown]

It's still several years off, but I feel we are evolving toward it. Ultimately there will be a greater freedom and acceptance of personal freedom of choice as to the direction of our lives. We're getting there, I'm sorry we're not quite there yet..

Totally agree. Perfectly put.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I just want to say that you have a talent with words, and an eye on how to put together a well thought out and eloquent piece of writing. That was a beautiful post, and it really resonated with me, specifically the parts about how to come to terms with the act of dying, and getting over the survival instinct. Finally, I thank you for the advice, it will be incredibly helpful for my, and others, future attempts.

 

[Ryukil93]

By the way, not that I consider 30 to be old. I think I came up with the idea of "I'll kill myself if I'm 30 and in the same situation" while I was a teenager.

I would attempt tomorrow, and maybe I will, but I just can't get over the fear of dying. There's always that nagging hope that things will get better. In my case, I think it's delusion. Things could potentially get better in certain areas, but...yeah. Delusion has actually helped me to survive all these years, I've realized. Maybe that's a depressing way to look at it, though.

 

[windingdown]

I just want to say that you have a talent with words, and an eye on how to put together a well thought out and eloquent piece of writing. That was a beautiful post, and it really resonated with me, specifically the parts about how to come to terms with the act of dying, and getting over the survival instinct. Finally, I thank you for the advice, it will be incredibly helpful for my, and others, future attempts.

Thank you! I appreciate your reading. I'm so glad you found it supportive.

 

[windingdown]

By the way, not that I consider 30 to be old. I think I came up with the idea of "I'll kill myself if I'm 30 and in the same situation" while I was a teenager.

I would attempt tomorrow, and maybe I will, but I just can't get over the fear of dying. There's always that nagging hope that things will get better. In my case, I think it's delusion. Things could potentially get better in certain areas, but...yeah. Delusion has actually helped me to survive all these years, I've realized. Maybe that's a depressing way to look at it, though.

Do you think your fear is of dying or of death (non-existence)? I find it useful to separate the two. Last summer I realized that if a doctor walked in and offered to euthanize me, I would be game on the spot. I wouldn't be here if this was just about death. It is only dying I fear - the uncertainty of what it will be like, the fear of pain, the fear of fear. (Death makes me sad, but I do not fear it.)

But then, as I discuss in my post, fear of dying even a natural death is also, without question, a part of universal human experience.

 

[Ryukil93]

Well, I don't think I'm afraid of death itself. I hope that it's non-existence. As I said, I have a religious upbringing - I'm basically agnostic these days, but I still worry about things.

Yeah, if I could be euthanized I'm pretty sure I would just do it. Actually, my prefered method of death would be using N. Just dying peacefully in bed, perhaps listening to some music, sounds pretty nice to me. However, I'm broke and can't afford it. So my only option right now is hanging. And, I've experimented with it, and the feeling is not very pleasant...You have trouble breathing, and then immense pressure starts building in your head. So, I don't know if I am psychologically afraid of anything in particular. It's more like my primitive survival mechanism kicking in. It's a bit like trying to override nature's "programming."

The truth is that I probably don't want to die. But I feel like my problems are near insoluble outside of dying. So I promised myself that I would give it a serious try and "see what happens." Like, maybe I'll fall over and hit my head, and the experience of having "nearly" died will change my perspective somehow. Like, I'll decide to stick around for 1 more year and see what happens, or whatever. Or, I'll die and won't have to worry about my OCD/anxiety and hair loss problem anymore. I guess my idea is to leave it up to the universe.

 

[Mr2005]

Fantastic post. A lot there really resonated with me. I couldn't begin to have said it so well. The things about lifes meaning having been lost were really poignant. I'm near enough the same age as you and find it impossible to look forward to a different stage in life. In fact I find there isn't anything really left to look forward too. The difference being I suppose that 19-30 weren't good years for me. They should have been the best years of my life and I 'm aware of that now but they're gone and there's nothing I can do about it. The sense of loss is overwhelming. Naturally I'm not ready to get old when I was never young and it seems to be creeping up quicker than I ever could have imagined it would at seventeen. I too am trying to make peace with death. If I think about what might have been it makes me sad and it makes me angry. I failed and it's best to just accept it but I 'm not going to do that in life. This scene helps me find peace with it. One of the greatest scenes in the history of cinema. I'd love to be able to express myself in the same way but I 'll leave it to Rutger Hauer to sum up the human condition

 

[Nem]

Well, I don't think I'm afraid of death itself. I hope that it's non-existence. As I said, I have a religious upbringing - I'm basically agnostic these days, but I still worry about things.

Yeah, if I could be euthanized I'm pretty sure I would just do it. Actually, my prefered method of death would be using N. Just dying peacefully in bed, perhaps listening to some music, sounds pretty nice to me. However, I'm broke and can't afford it. So my only option right now is hanging. And, I've experimented with it, and the feeling is not very pleasant...You have trouble breathing, and then immense pressure starts building in your head. So, I don't know if I am psychologically afraid of anything in particular. It's more like my primitive survival mechanism kicking in. It's a bit like trying to override nature's "programming."

The truth is that I probably don't want to die. But I feel like my problems are near insoluble outside of dying. So I promised myself that I would give it a serious try and "see what happens." Like, maybe I'll fall over and hit my head, and the experience of having "nearly" died will change my perspective somehow. Like, I'll decide to stick around for 1 more year and see what happens, or whatever. Or, I'll die and won't have to worry about my OCD/anxiety and hair loss problem anymore. I guess my idea is to leave it up to the universe.

I've never tried hanging and I actually had n but my housemate found the empty bottles, I had poured it into another container and was going to chug it back later. What a waste of money too, I had four bottles ready to go and tried to order mod and it was stopped twice. Now I'm screwed and it's either charcoal or hanging. You say there is immense pressure in the head? That must be tough to push past that feeling...I don't have much choice. Sorry to hear your troubles
Peace

 

[windingdown]

Fantastic post. A lot there really resonated with me. I couldn't begin to have said it so well. The things about lifes meaning having been lost were really poignant. I'm near enough the same age as you and find it impossible to look forward to a different stage in life. In fact I find there isn't anything really left to look forward too. The difference being I suppose that 19-30 weren't good years for me. They should have been the best years of my life and I 'm aware of that now but they're gone and there's nothing I can do about it. The sense of loss is overwhelming. Naturally I'm not ready to get old when I was never young and it seems to be creeping up quicker than I ever could have imagined it would at seventeen. I too am trying to make peace with death. If I think about what might have been it makes me sad and it makes me angry. I failed and it's best to just accept it but I 'm not going to do that in life. This scene helps me find peace with it. One of the greatest scenes in the history of cinema. I'd love to be able to express myself in the same way but I 'll leave it to Rutger Hauer to sum up the human condition

Wow. That's one of the most intense cinematic scenes I've ever seen. Thank you for sharing.

Your perspective also resonates with me as a very tragic one. I am sorry for your losses. Loss creates grief, and there are so many losses in life. How can we escape this experience? It's impossible. Though I think it differs between people how profoundly they feel the grief of existence.

One thing is you say 'I failed'. In the Reality Is Negative pdf, someone discusses how we have so many things, nearly everything, working against us in life. It's just the reality of things - our faulty biologies, impossible circumstances. And then we are made to feel 'I failed'. I don't think anyone fails. The decks stacked against us are always insurmountable, whether sooner or later. Do go easy on yourself.

I trained as a social science researcher. Many of the perspectives I've read on this forum have been some of the most interesting, and most intelligent, that I've seen anywhere - and I've read a lot in my life. A part of me would love to stay alive as a social scientist, making it my life's work to represent the perspectives of people like us, and advocate for death with dignity for all adults. It seems like such a shame that life should feel so intolerable to me that I feel no other choice but to abort it, instead. Poor humans. Who will stay alive long enough to resolve the universal human problem of dying? (Thank goodness for places like Exit International and Dignitas, but there needs to be so much more.)

 

[Mr2005]

Same. I know I 'm a good person at heart I just can't live with what I've done. Or the way we're made really. My whole worldview has gone to shit and I'm powerless to make a difference. I can only do what's best for me which might be selfish but everything is really. If you've never seen Bladerunner then I don't know if anything was lost without context but the music alone is beautiful. Like you like choral music I like Vangelis. It reminds me there's beauty in the world and I do find it therapeutic but as soon as it's over I'm back to where I was. It never gets better and you can't live solely for the few things that make it tolerable although the thought of never hearing it again does make me sad but once I'm dead the good things won't matter any more than the bad. I take comfort in the knowledge every time we go to sleep we'd never know if we didn't wake up. That's a taster of death. I'm glad you make the distinction between that and the actual process of dying though. Dying is still very much a part of life and in a lot of cases the worst part by far. I like how Rutger Hauers character here just falls asleep forever once he comes to terms with the fact his times up

 

[Ryukil93]

I quite love that scene from Blade Runner and thought about killing myself while listening to the Tears in Rain music, but I realized that would actually be a betrayal of the meaning of that scene. Roy Batty wanted more life. He was lamenting the fact that he had to die and reflecting on the highs of his short existence. He probably wanted Deckard to realize the beauty of being alive and was jealous. I realize this isn't the stuff to post on a suicide forum, but Blade Runner would be intensely anti-suicidal in its message. The replicants appreciated being alive whereas humans tend to take it for granted.

 

[Mr2005]

By the way, not that I consider 30 to be old. I think I came up with the idea of "I'll kill myself if I'm 30 and in the same situation" while I was a teenager.

I would attempt tomorrow, and maybe I will, but I just can't get over the fear of dying. There's always that nagging hope that things will get better. In my case, I think it's delusion. Things could potentially get better in certain areas, but...yeah. Delusion has actually helped me to survive all these years, I've realized. Maybe that's a depressing way to look at it, though.

Delusions the reason I 'm still alive. After wasting 2004-2009 over something completely avoidable the only thing that kept me going was the desperate notion I could change the past and beleive me I tried. Had I put that much effort into what was holding me back in the first place I wouldn't have been in that position. I've never got over it. It's perhaps the most stupid thing anyones ever done. Slight exaggeration perhaps but if anyones done anything more stupid I doubt they've lived to tell the tale. To waste all that time then immediately want it back. I know they say you live and learn and I 've certainly learned but I can't live with it. I should have killed myself in 2010. If I 'm derailing the topic stop me

 

[Mr2005]

I quite love that scene from Blade Runner and thought about killing myself while listening to the Tears in Rain music, but I realized that would actually be a betrayal of the meaning of that scene. Roy Batty wanted more life. He was lamenting the fact that he had to die and reflecting on the highs of his short existence. He probably wanted Deckard to realize the beauty of being alive and was jealous. I realize this isn't the stuff to post on a suicide forum, but Blade Runner would be intensely anti-suicidal in its message. The replicants appreciated being alive whereas humans tend to take it for granted.

Yeah I get that because whilst he comes to terms with death the musics so beautiful as to make me think life might be worth living. It's a conundrum. If there is a heaven his music is surely from it