Help Watching my own funeral

[Takamagahara]

I have commitment problems with CTB. My last two serious attempts I couldn't go through with it. The first time I felt too guilty, the second time I guess was just weakness. Some might consider that a sign that I don't want to die, and you're right; I don't want to die. I just want all the pain to stop. However, enduring life is also too much for me.

I really need something to make me committed to it--"the beginning of the end", so to speak. I'd read a few news articles of people who ended up committing the murders of their own families to force themselves into a box so they could kill themselves; something about "I don't have to worry about them feeling sad about my suicide if they're all dead" along with "I've committed an unforgivable crime, so I have to kill myself."

While I have no plans to do so as I can't bring myself to harm someone else, I was still planning on doing something similar; instead of having my suicide notes on social media delayed, I was wondering if I should send them early as a way of similarly forcing myself to commit to this course of action.

Here's my thinking:

1). I do it and there's no reaction. Great! Honestly the best outcome.

2). I do it and there's lots of reactions. Well, I've irrevocably hurt people who care about me so there's no coming back from that. The only thing worse than suicide is faking a suicide for attention, so at this point I have to go through with it right?

3). I do it and there's lots of reactions and I lose my nerve to suicide again. I guess this is the outcome the pro-lifers would want but I'll have burned all of my bridges on this anyway which would maybe make the next attempt easier.

I don't really see the downside to crossing the metaphorical Rubicon. And no, people on these platforms don't know my address or my name.

 

[SaltySuh]

I don't know, but have you tried all your options when it comes to having the pain end? If so, that's unfortunate. However, I'm not going to plead for you not to commit or encourage you to commit . The strength to do either course of action will and must come from within. Best wishes in all that you do, even if it's ending your life.

 

[Takamagahara]

I don't know, but have you tried all your options when it comes to having the pain end? If so, that's unfortunate. However, I'm not going to plead for you not to commit or encourage you to commit . The strength to do either course of action will and must come from within. Best wishes in all that you do, even if it's ending your life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I've done all the traditional pro-lifer things when it comes to curing suicidality. I have tried meditation and exercise. I have focused on hobbies and cultivating self-growth, utilized art and fiction as avenues of self-expression, opened up to close friends, and generally followed every strategy in the "one day at a time" book--that is, the widely-touted ideology that suicidal people need only focus on making it to the next day.

In general, those professionals who I've paid to speak to agree that nothing about my situation is capable of changing--the only thing I could do is change my attitude about my situation. And frankly, I'm simply incapable of brainwashing myself to be delusional to that degree.

 

[SaltySuh]

I understand. If you want to make sure you have to commit, then I'd try either sodium selenite (SS) or barium chloride (BC). Selenite is impossible to reverse; you're a goner once you've taken 3g. Barium chloride might as well be impossible to reverse since it's effects kick-in roughly ten minutes. Barium also is hard to find on toxicology screenings and the death from it appears similar to a heart attack. You can find both if you know where to look. I won't egg you on, but I hope this helps.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

Why do you need to put a suicide note on social media?

I realize you are trying to place yourself into a mindset to be forced to do it, but I also feel like, you either are going to do it, or you aren't.

The only people who need to see my note would be the closest ones to me, or who would discover my body.

If the note is for random nobodies to see, you already know the reaction they're going to give: half-hearted attempts to talk you down, or making fun of your pain.

 

[Takamagahara]

Why do you need to put a suicide note on social media?

I realize you are trying to place yourself into a mindset to be forced to do it, but I also feel like, you either are going to do it, or you aren't.

The only people who need to see my note would be the closest ones to me, or who would discover my body.

If the note is for random nobodies to see, you already know the reaction they're going to give: half-hearted attempts to talk you down, or making fun of your pain.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to clarify. It's not publicly available, it's only to people closest to me.

 

[yasmine299]

I understand. If you want to make sure you have to commit, then I'd try either sodium selenite (SS) or barium chloride (BC). Selenite is impossible to reverse; you're a goner once you've taken 3g. Barium chloride might as well be impossible to reverse since it's effects kick-in roughly ten minutes. Barium also is hard to find on toxicology screenings and the death from it appears similar to a heart attack. You can find both if you know where to look. I won't egg you on, but I hope this helps.

Hi, sorry to digress from what this thread is about but are there any guides on these methods available that I can read?

 

[SaltySuh]

Hi, sorry to digress from what this thread is about but are there any guides on these methods available that I can read?

The selenite method is found in PPeH 2022 edition. This can be found online. Barium chloride does not have a guide, but I plan on making one.

 

[eashanm]

I understand. If you want to make sure you have to commit, then I'd try either sodium selenite (SS) or barium chloride (BC). Selenite is impossible to reverse; you're a goner once you've taken 3g. Barium chloride might as well be impossible to reverse since it's effects kick-in roughly ten minutes. Barium also is hard to find on toxicology screenings and the death from it appears similar to a heart attack. You can find both if you know where to look. I won't egg you on, but I hope this helps.

Hello,

Can you tell me more about the method of Sodium Selenite (SS) or Barium Chloride (BC)? Does it lead to a peaceful death?

Also, do you have a link to PPH 2022? The PPH available on this website doesn't mention about Sodium Selenite

 

[jwordz]

I understand. If you want to make sure you have to commit, then I'd try either sodium selenite (SS) or barium chloride (BC). Selenite is impossible to reverse; you're a goner once you've taken 3g. Barium chloride might as well be impossible to reverse since it's effects kick-in roughly ten minutes. Barium also is hard to find on toxicology screenings and the death from it appears similar to a heart attack. You can find both if you know where to look. I won't egg you on, but I hope this helps.

which BC? There's BC Anhydrous
and BC Dihydrate

???

 

[SaltySuh]

which BC? There's BC Anhydrous
and BC Dihydrate

???

@jwordz Both are suitable, it's just that you'd increase the dose of dihydrate by a few grams to account for the differences in water weight.