Venting Watching my life crumble is so painful

[willitpass]

This past year has stripped everything from me. The three year gap I had in treatment I built such a wonderful life for myself outwardly. I moved into a solo apartment for the first time, had a wonderful job that gave me full financial independence with some expendable income, my own cat, my own car, I was excelling academically. My mental health was horrific, but on the outside I had it all together. I could talk about my goals and aspirations to others, even if I didn't feel anything about them. I knew that if CTB failed or I chose not to go through with it that I had a life built for me that would sustain me. I had a fallback plan. And I had things to talk about to people other than everything going wrong. I didn't feel like a burden to my friends or family because I wasn't telling them all the shitty things going on in my head, I wasn't asking for money, I was succeeding in things. I wasn't a drain on society because I was contributing with my career and my intelligence and my independence and my financial stability.

I have nothing now. Going into treatment has financially ruined me. I have no money to my name and am fully reliant on my family to pay for my bills and day to day living expenses. Obviously that means I have absolutely no expendable income and feel horrible having to even ask for money to get necessities. I am unemployed. I had to drop out of school. I have been away from life for so long that I don't have a damn thing to talk about other than treatment or how it's failed me. I've recently become physically disabled as well so no longer can even independently do the things that bring me fleeting joy in my now endless free time. I have no passions. No motivation. My fallback plan for life is CTB didn't happen has burned to the ground. All I have now is time to sit and think about how I'm a burden to my loved ones and society.

A year ago today I was miserable but I had all that anyone could ever need. Today not only am I equally as miserable, but I can't do anything but lay in bed, surrounded by the reminders of a life that isn't mine anymore. I'm staring right now at my backpack on my floor, full of notebooks for a semester I didn't finish for a degree I'll probably never go back to complete. My room is full of things I bought last year because I had the money to buy something on a whim because I wanted it, but today I don't even have enough money to go buy a coffee.

I can't wait to die. How is this what my life has become?

 

[R. A.]

You may not want this kind of response so I'll obscure it

Spoiler: thoughts

i remember seeing you around when i'd newly joined but don't remember the state of things for you then exactly. but going back through your posts now, it looks like you were seriously ready to go before even then, and felt great despair than things could not improve.

but this period of improvement you talk about here seems to have happened between when i joined and now. i don't know but suspect if youd asked yourself then whether things could have become that stable, you'd have said no.

that doesn't mean it will or necessarily can happen again. all i say is that our perception doesn't always necessarily match reality. and a lot of us fancy ourselves foreseers of the future, when in fact none of us are. me included.

in any event,

 

[willitpass]

I'm in so much pain I can't take it. I can't fucking take it. Words cannot express the emotional agony I am in right now. This isn't living. This is not life. I don't want this for myself. I wouldn't wish my head on my worst enemy. And I can't even talk to anyone about it because they'll just lock me back up in the places that manage to make me feel even more worthless and burdensome than I already feel. I want to die so bad but don't even have the money or physical ability right now to carry out my method and all the other methods have failed me so many times. What could I have possibly done so wrong in my life to deserve years and years and years of this much pain? I cannot handle this pain. Why can't I just die? Please make it stop it hurts so fucking bad and I don't know anything that makes it feel better.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm in so much pain I can't take it. I can't fucking take it. Words cannot express the emotional agony I am in right now. This isn't living. This is not life. I don't want this for myself. I wouldn't wish my head on my worst enemy. And I can't even talk to anyone about it because they'll just lock me back up in the places that manage to make me feel even more worthless and burdensome than I already feel. I want to die so bad but don't even have the money or physical ability right now to carry out my method and all the other methods have failed me so many times. What could I have possibly done so wrong in my life to deserve years and years and years of this much pain? I cannot handle this pain. Why can't I just die? Please make it stop it hurts so fucking bad and I don't know anything that makes it feel better.

I'm so sorry. No one should be forced to remain and endure this degree of emotional or physical pain. Horrible that true help or the release of death is not offered to those who need it. I am in the same sheer panic state from being in unbearable pain while being held back from ctb. I have nothing but long distance hugs to offer.

 

[katara]

This past year has stripped everything from me. The three year gap I had in treatment I built such a wonderful life for myself outwardly. I moved into a solo apartment for the first time, had a wonderful job that gave me full financial independence with some expendable income, my own cat, my own car, I was excelling academically. My mental health was horrific, but on the outside I had it all together. I could talk about my goals and aspirations to others, even if I didn't feel anything about them. I knew that if CTB failed or I chose not to go through with it that I had a life built for me that would sustain me. I had a fallback plan. And I had things to talk about to people other than everything going wrong. I didn't feel like a burden to my friends or family because I wasn't telling them all the shitty things going on in my head, I wasn't asking for money, I was succeeding in things. I wasn't a drain on society because I was contributing with my career and my intelligence and my independence and my financial stability.

I have nothing now. Going into treatment has financially ruined me. I have no money to my name and am fully reliant on my family to pay for my bills and day to day living expenses. Obviously that means I have absolutely no expendable income and feel horrible having to even ask for money to get necessities. I am unemployed. I had to drop out of school. I have been away from life for so long that I don't have a damn thing to talk about other than treatment or how it's failed me. I've recently become physically disabled as well so no longer can even independently do the things that bring me fleeting joy in my now endless free time. I have no passions. No motivation. My fallback plan for life is CTB didn't happen has burned to the ground. All I have now is time to sit and think about how I'm a burden to my loved ones and society.

A year ago today I was miserable but I had all that anyone could ever need. Today not only am I equally as miserable, but I can't do anything but lay in bed, surrounded by the reminders of a life that isn't mine anymore. I'm staring right now at my backpack on my floor, full of notebooks for a semester I didn't finish for a degree I'll probably never go back to complete. My room is full of things I bought last year because I had the money to buy something on a whim because I wanted it, but today I don't even have enough money to go buy a coffee.

I can't wait to die. How is this what my life has become?

I relate on not having any money. American healthcare system is designed so only the wealthy can get help so if you are lower income there's not much help available, trust me I know.
I have memory problems. I have no where to go for help. I never finished high school. My own mom doesn't care and she blocks any way I've tried to get away from her.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling bc I've seen you on here before and you've responded to me and u seem really nice.