cececo
Depression + Depression != Happiness
- Jan 31, 2022
- 19
I have no idea how to prefix these haha
Anyways, I'm just wasting away today and I hate it. I slept and woke up, managed to get out of bed eventually and start the laundry, now I'm laying on the couch. I'm exhausted and I wish I could sleep and I might eventually if I'm lucky, but that's not what I really want. It's just such a waste of time but no activities appeal. Food doesn't even appeal even though I recognize that I'm hungry, or was hungry. A part of me wishes I could talk to someone and they could just force me to do things like eat. But there's no one like that who knows enough or would care to tell me to do if they did know enough. I can't even bring myself to reach out to anyone on here most times even though we can have so much in common. I should have tried something last night since I work every weekday 8-13 hours and it's hard to get over guilt for trying anything when I might wake up the next day unsuccessful and have to work. I'm already not qualified, the people there are nice and offer help but I wish they wouldn't have hired me. I dread going in to a new week when it's never going to get better, I'm never going to want to live. Others just want/expect me to live and to fit in with their expectations it's about all I can do currently to work myself to death to stay alive. That's the only guaranteed way I won't try anything since it's ingrained in me to be responsible and I should see through my commitment to work for those who hired me. But outside working hours I'm just existing without purpose or joy, wasting away like today. At this point there is barely anything left of my personality. Just existence because due to the working I'm often too tired to try anything on my limited days off. In the past I didn't have the means to get anything I'd need to try more guaranteed ways, now I have the means (mostly) and an utter lack of energy. Plus it's been so disheartening how much hasn't worked. It's very very likely I'll live through all of next week. If I awake on Monday, by principle I have to work every day following. It will be exhausting. I'm already anxious thinking of waking up. I hate it. My one reprieve is a novel recommended by a friend I've hence become too toxic to remain around. I'm over halfway done and I would like to finish it. It makes me cry every night I do read it. I'm hoping I can finish it and find more energy and resolve. Another part of me is here hoping to find someone who would be willing to go with me. I'd love to find my own FrozenRobot or Ove, and we could go out together in an idling car. That would be nice. At this point I'm utterly lost what to do. Death has been my one constant wish and desire for so long and even now it is, but a pesky part of me does seem to wonder if I could be saved. But them I remember I have a life I hate waiting for me. And I remember that even when I feel like I see hope that as soon as I lie down or my mind gets a second of reprieve from working that the reasons I want to die will hit all over again, constantly. Being unconscious can really be my only true reprieve so I need it 24/7, 365 days a year. But I have no idea what to do as well.
Anyways I wrote too much but it is nice to vent. At the same time I wish someone would tell me exactly what I should do so I don't have to think haha I'm so tired of this all but just sleeping will never get me to eternal sleep. Back to wasting away.
Anyways, I'm just wasting away today and I hate it. I slept and woke up, managed to get out of bed eventually and start the laundry, now I'm laying on the couch. I'm exhausted and I wish I could sleep and I might eventually if I'm lucky, but that's not what I really want. It's just such a waste of time but no activities appeal. Food doesn't even appeal even though I recognize that I'm hungry, or was hungry. A part of me wishes I could talk to someone and they could just force me to do things like eat. But there's no one like that who knows enough or would care to tell me to do if they did know enough. I can't even bring myself to reach out to anyone on here most times even though we can have so much in common. I should have tried something last night since I work every weekday 8-13 hours and it's hard to get over guilt for trying anything when I might wake up the next day unsuccessful and have to work. I'm already not qualified, the people there are nice and offer help but I wish they wouldn't have hired me. I dread going in to a new week when it's never going to get better, I'm never going to want to live. Others just want/expect me to live and to fit in with their expectations it's about all I can do currently to work myself to death to stay alive. That's the only guaranteed way I won't try anything since it's ingrained in me to be responsible and I should see through my commitment to work for those who hired me. But outside working hours I'm just existing without purpose or joy, wasting away like today. At this point there is barely anything left of my personality. Just existence because due to the working I'm often too tired to try anything on my limited days off. In the past I didn't have the means to get anything I'd need to try more guaranteed ways, now I have the means (mostly) and an utter lack of energy. Plus it's been so disheartening how much hasn't worked. It's very very likely I'll live through all of next week. If I awake on Monday, by principle I have to work every day following. It will be exhausting. I'm already anxious thinking of waking up. I hate it. My one reprieve is a novel recommended by a friend I've hence become too toxic to remain around. I'm over halfway done and I would like to finish it. It makes me cry every night I do read it. I'm hoping I can finish it and find more energy and resolve. Another part of me is here hoping to find someone who would be willing to go with me. I'd love to find my own FrozenRobot or Ove, and we could go out together in an idling car. That would be nice. At this point I'm utterly lost what to do. Death has been my one constant wish and desire for so long and even now it is, but a pesky part of me does seem to wonder if I could be saved. But them I remember I have a life I hate waiting for me. And I remember that even when I feel like I see hope that as soon as I lie down or my mind gets a second of reprieve from working that the reasons I want to die will hit all over again, constantly. Being unconscious can really be my only true reprieve so I need it 24/7, 365 days a year. But I have no idea what to do as well.
Anyways I wrote too much but it is nice to vent. At the same time I wish someone would tell me exactly what I should do so I don't have to think haha I'm so tired of this all but just sleeping will never get me to eternal sleep. Back to wasting away.
