Story Wasting away and fading...what am I doing anymore...

[Inferdan]

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Everything loses meaning more and more. I care less and less. I'm unable to care for myself well simply because I don't give a shit anymore. The shithole I live in is now a complete dump, at least it was clean before. I should have gone shopping since a week ago, but why do that, I don't even have the strength to do it. Finally used the little remaining money I had and bought part of what I need, getting payed in two days. The bed isn't made with plates and cables to one side and space to sleep on the other. I don't care. I haven't been visiting SS as much as I have been before, and stopped speaking with friends. Got a doctors appointment today at 12am (It's 3:52am rn), and idk if I can make it. I'll try, at the very least.

I've grown so empty. The agonizing daily torture of pain that i felt everyday is gone, numbed, a dull presence now. But its effects remain the same. Heck, could be stronger now. I've screamed and shouted into my pillow as someone here suggested, and the anger and sadness doesn't come out. Just hollow void. Where did it go, when I'm still hurting. When did become this, when I could've been fine. maybe it's my fault. The way I think, eyes open to the world, overthinking, added with the trauma of the past turned me into a constant loop, a generator of suffering. I switch between thinking about dying to just existing. A 9-5 job seems ok to me; work, eat, sleep. I'm becoming a failure, a disappointment. I had such big dreams, things that actually could be achieved. I had the ability. The creativity, the talent. I drew so much original creatures and characters, fuck, I had concepts for games in the works. Two huge, amazing stories that if done right would've been big. Well...that's gone now...all I do is distract myself from everything. Facing it head-on never helped. Nothing did. nothing I ever did was right. There was always backlash, or it was against my favour. Even moving out at 16, now that I think about it. Then again, staying at my parents would've broken me in a completely different way...

I don't know what to do now. I'm stuck. I don't care about anything, and can't put any effort into anything. I've gone silent to all my friends, barely eating anything at all, sleeping horribly (if at all), and just wasting away at this point. Death would be nice, but I can't even find the drive for that either. It's stupid, and yet here I am. If I did die, my friends and family would be devastated, though. They would suffer a lot, and I know it. I hate that. Don't care if some of you don't agree, I wish I was hated, or at least not held in such high-esteem. Would make everything easier for me (irl, not here).

Now it isn't the question to whether be or not to be. Live a life or don't Now it's either exist or don't. Simple as that.
(Cliche finish, but thanks for taking the time to read. Please, cherish the little things. It's all we have left...)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You sound like me six months ago. Barely eating or sleeping and doing nothing.
Are you just exhausted with it all, is that it? It can certainly seem very futile.
I used to hate the 9-5 but I'd give much to get back to that now. It's all I can do to keep doing the basic things but I discovered everything gets way worse if you let all that slide.
I guess you have to find a new reality and accept it somehow, where taking care of the basics is akin to a full time job. It's no way to live but it's better than fading away, cuz you don't fade at all, you just suffer.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I feel similarly apathetic.

 

[Inferdan]

@Underscore I could probably get better, but the issue is if I want it. There are so many wants and wishes that contradict one another, I've decided not to care about it anymore. Why put the effort into all this, when I've done just that for every single minute of my entire life? I've fought and pushed hard, every single fucking day, to live, to make others happy, to become better, to actually have a life. And what do I get? Endless pain. It never fucking ends. A small part of me still wants to live, but honestly, I'm fed up. I haven't decided, and I don't know if I can, I'm just drifting at this point. I've changed the person I was fundamentally many times, wore many masks, argued and sympathized, created and destroyed...I just don't want any of this anymore, I think I'm sick of it...

I feel similarly apathetic.

Then you'd understand. These are mere words, but I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. Just a different kind of pain, I guess

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you manage going to the doctor today, you might want to ask them to check your vitamin D and thyroid levels.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, and all the struggles you've had. I can relate to what you went through at 16, from 16 to 18 I was regularly kicked out or ran away from home. I can't know for certain that the results would have been better, but there are times I regret not taking the option to emancipate at 17.

 

[Inferdan]

If you manage going to the doctor today, you might want to ask them to check your vitamin D and thyroid levels.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, and all the struggles you've had. I can relate to what you went through at 16, from 16 to 18 I was regularly kicked out or ran away from home. I can't know for certain that the results would have been better, but there are times I regret not taking the option to emancipate at 17.

I'll do that, thank you very much. You would have probably been put into a youth shelter or a children's home, and either stayed there for a while or moved to transitional housing, like I have and still am in. Basically grow up even faster than you already have been. I'm sorry you've suffered the same, or worse, and that we've been led down this road. I hope you and everyone else gets what they are looking for and what they need.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'll do that, thank you very much. You would have probably been put into a youth shelter or a children's home, and either stayed there for a while or moved to transitional housing, like I have and still am in. Basically grow up even faster than you already have been. I'm sorry you've suffered the same, or worse, and that we've been led down this road. I hope you and everyone else gets what they are looking for and what they need.

This was in the late eighties. I already had a job, and had the option to be emancipated so that I could attend school without my parents' permission or involvement. But I also made bad choices with regard to who I associated with, and had a tendency to take stupid risks because I had been so controlled at home. I may have ended up quite unstable and in worse situations than the abuse at home.